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Bad, Bad Rubber Piggy (Transcript)

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Inside the Membrane studios, an episode of "Probing the Membrane of Science" is being recorded in front of a live studio audience. The title of the show appears and then fades out shortly afterwards.

Announcer: And now for adventures in science, with Professor Membrane!

The camera zooms up on Prof. Membrane. The audience cheers. Kids scream happily and women in the audience hold up signs declaring their adoration for Prof. Membrane. One child activates a jetpack and shoots up into the ceiling as he cheers.

Announcer: Professor...?

Prof. Membrane: Thanks again to Doctor Faulky and his miserably failed attempt at a better cold fusion! Now, let's take a question from the audience.

A child in the audience stands on a risen platform. A microphone attached to a mechanical arm goes over to him. Cameras come down from the ceiling and focus on the child. The "Jeopardy" question theme plays.

Child: My mommy makes me eat Breakfast Chunks for breakfast. But I hate them! I HATE THEM SO MUCH!!! Could I go back in time and stop them from ever being invented?

Prof. Membrane: I'm glad you asked that! Altering the past to effect the present is theoretically possible. A floating monitor screen like the one Prof. Membrane used in Parent Teacher Night hovers up beside him, displaying a child at breakfast with a bowl containing one large breakfast chunk. He bangs on the chunk with his spoon, but nothing happens. He gnaws on the chunk, but to no avail.

Prof. Membrane: You could prevent Walton Chunky (the monitor screen shows an image of Walton Chunky holding a box of Breakfast Chunks) from ever inventing Breakfast Chunks by using temporal object replacement technology!

The monitor screen shows the words 'Past: Walton' in the corner while showing a clip of Walton Chunky at the dump next to a car crushing machine. A sack of Bran lays next to him.

Prof. Membrane: See, there's Walton Chunky in the past-

Walton Chunky grabs a handful of bran from the sack next to him.

Prof. Membrane: -and, uh, I guess he worked in a garbage dump or something. And, there's a big sack of bran, I guess.

Walton Chunky pulls a lever and a machine crushes a car into a block shape.

Prof. Membrane: But here's where he gets the idea for Breakfast Chunks.

Walton Chunky shapes the fistful of bran into a block shape.

Prof. Membrane: Oh, look, he's happy. Using a space/time transfer device, (the monitor goes into static) we replace an object from the past with an object from the present and stop this moment from ever happening.

The monitor shows some scientists in a mad science lab with the words 'Present: Science Lab' in the corner.

Prof. Membrane: See? They're the scientists! And they're sending a horrible giant squid into the past!

A one-eyed giant squid in a large biojar moves on a conveyor belt into a time portal. The temporal replacement kicks in as the sack of bran next to Walton Chunky disappears and is replaced by the giant squid. Walton Chunky screams as the squid wraps its tentacles around him and pulls Walton towards itself. The monitor goes into static.

Prof. Membrane: But be careful: if the Breakfast Cube was never invented, tasty breakfast squids would sweep the nation!

The monitor shows the same child who was trying to eat the Breakfast Chunk. The temporal changes being put in force, the chunk in his bowl disappears and the word 'chunk' on the box turns to 'squid'. The child cheers, but then two tentacles emerge from his bowl and latch onto the boy's head, turning his joy into terror. The boy tries to pull back against the squid's force and falls backwards, pulling the squid out of the bowl. The monitor then goes static.

Prof. Membrane: Further unpredictable effects would arise as a result of mankind's foolish altering of the timeline!

The monitor shows a giant fish in a bear suit lumbering through a city with the words 'Present: Tokyo' in the corner.

Prof. Membrane: ... Like this giant fish in a bear suit! He would be horrible! Look at him go!

The giant fish in a bear suit walks up to a skool bus.

Prof. Membrane: The consequences would be disastrous!

It lifts the bus above its head. A child falls out of the bus and screams as he plummets into the fish's mouth.

Prof. Membrane: So, despite the temptation, altering the time line is more foolish than productive!

The words 'Present: Membrane' appear in the corner.

Prof. Membrane: Anybody who would build a space/time object replacement device is a complete moron!

The word "moron" is echoed as we see that Zim has built a space/time object replacement device in his lab, despite Prof. Membrane's better judgment... and which makes Zim the perfect moron, as he is about to find out soon. Zim pops up holding a wrench.

Zim: GIR! The space/time object replacement device is ready!

GIR, who is out of disguise, plays with a rubber piggy toy as if it were a toy airplane, making it fly through the air and making his own sound effects and then giggles. Zim presses some buttons on a control panel and a monitor attached to the side of the space time object replacement device shows some kids punching a wobbling alien toy with the words 'Past: Dib' in the corner. The children laugh. Further up the street from the children, a younger Dib pulls up in a tricycle. A younger Gaz stands behind him wearing a bow.

Younger Dib: An alien! Stand back! I'll get it!

Dib rides his tricycle towards the children.

Younger Gaz: Not again.

The monitor attached to the space time object replacement device shows a freeze frame of Dib riding his tricycle.

Zim: There! Dib in the past. So unknowing. So unprepared. Back before he was ever a threat to our mission, GIR!

Zim walks over to a control panel. Steam releases from a device attached to the ceiling. Zim pulls a lever on the control panel. The bottom of the device detaches from the rest of it and hovers down, serving as a platform for a hunter destroyer machine.

GIR: Ooooooooooooooh!

Zim: A Hunter-Destroyer ma--

GIR: What is it?!

Zim: A Hunter-Destroy--

GIR: What is it?!?! Zim: A Hunter-Destroyer machine, programmed to target the Earthboy in the past, to ensure that he will not be a problem to us in the present.


Zim walks back to the control panel for the space time object replacement device. The hunter destroyer machine starts moving around in the background. A monitor attached to the space time object replacement device shows Dib as a younger child vs. the hunter destroyer machine = a victorious Zim with a crown and a flag that has a picture of Earth on it - basically, Zim's equation of his latest plan of doom. Zim presses buttons on the control panel.

GIR: Wait, if you destroyed Dib in the past, then he won't ever be your enemy, (short circuits) then you won't have to send a robot back to destroy him, and then he will be your enemy so you will have to send a robot back--


Complex temporal paradoxes can do a number to one's head, as GIR's goes BOOM! His body falls over, smoking. (Thank goodness for spare parts.) Zim presses more buttons on the control panel. The hunter destroyer machine approaches the time portal opening.

Zim: Now, to unleash screaming temporal doom!

The hunter destroyer machine goes into the portal, but is immediately shot back out. Cue the reason:

Computer: Object not compatible with temporal field.

Zim groans.

Zim: "Not compatible"?! Is this thing just completely useless?! "Not compatible"!

Zim grabs GIR's rubber piggy and chucks it. It bounces off of the overturned Hunter-Destroyer machine and - much to Zim's surprise - goes into the time portal. The rest is altered history...

Computer: Object accepted! Temporal displacement in process!

Zim: Huh?

The monitor attached to the space time object replacement device shows the same clip from the past as earlier, with the small children punching the blow-up alien toy.

Dib: An alien! Stand back, I'll get it!

Dib rides his tricycle towards the children.

Dib: Beware, alien, I'm gonna--

The space/time replacement tech does its magic as the tricycle is suddenly replaced with GIR's rubber piggy. Dib still moves his legs in a pedaling motion, pedaling with the rubber piggy's feet. Dib crashes into the ground and screams as he bounces into a tree. He hits the tree so hard, bark from the other side of the tree falls off. Ouch.

Dib: Take... that...

The monitor goes into static. Cut to Dib's house in the present. Gaz sits on the couch watching a strange show on TV showing a goblin thing wearing a wig like Zim's while flames roar behind it. Dib walks in holding an empty box of Count Coco Fang cereal.

Dib: Hey Gaz, did you eat all the cereal? (Dib shakes the empty box upside down) I was gonna have this for breakfast tomorrow, you know!

Gaz: You think you own all the cereal. Well, you know what Dib? You don't. You just don't.

Dib: Look, all I'm saying is if you're going to--

The temporal consequences kick in as a flash of light occurs, and suddenly, Dib appears weaker, with bumps on his face. A tooth falls out of his mouth. His voice changes too.

Dib: What was I saying? Gaz, have I always sounded thisth funny?

Gaz: Long as I've known you.

Dib: And have I alwaysth had thisth claw for a hand?

Dib lifts up his right arm, which has a metal claw in place of a hand.

Gaz: Tricycle accident when you were 3, don't you remember?

Dib: Hmmm... now that you mention it, I do.

The TV changes to a commercial for Bloaty's Pizza Hog, a man in a morbidly obese pig suit with flies buzzing around him. Bloaty drools as he talks. He holds a pizza. Various cheeses are behind him. The words 'Bloatys Pizza Hog' are written above him. The voices of children chanting 'Bloaty's Pizza Hog' can be heard in the background.

Bloaty: Heeey! You eat the pizza!

Bloaty holds the pizza up to the camera, showing that it has various pig parts on it as toppings. Dib stares horrified, no thanks to the altered past. Zim watches from the monitor attached to the time space object replacement device.

Dib: The pig... it haunts me...

Zim: Fascinating! Not the same as the Hunter-Destroyer plan, but I might be able to rid myself of Dib after all!

Tears stream from GIR's eyes. A rare sight on a robot, that.

GIR: Whyyy?!?!

GIR pounds the floor.

GIR: Why, my piggy?!?! I love-ed you, piggy! I love-ed you!

The monitor attached to the space time object replacement device cuts from Dib to a news report, with the words 'Present: News' in the corner of the screen.

Newscaster: And in other news, giant fish people are rampaging through the city.

Another monitor attached to the space time object replacement device shows a giant fish in a bear suit among buildings holding up a sign that says 'HI MOM!' on it - exactly what Prof. Membrane warned everyone about. The words 'Present: Tokyo' are in the corner of the screen. The fish growls. The monitor cuts to Dib in the past wearing a hover helmet. This is a few years after the tricycle incident. The words 'Past: Dib' are again in the corner. He and Gaz are outside. Dib adjusts the hover helmet.

Gaz: You're gonna get in trouble as soon as Dad finds out you took his hover-helmet!

Dib: I'll put it right back!

The hover-helmet beeps and then starts rumbling.

Dib: I just wanna see if I can make it into space with this thing!

The hover-helmet lifts up, pulling Dib with it. It makes Dib bump into the same tree as earlier and then lifts him above the neighborhood.

Zim: GIR! Another pig!

GIR walks over to a control panel and presses some buttons. A panel on the floor next to him opens up and light pours out. A pig hovers out of the open panel. GIR grabs the pig and walks over to Zim. He cries, then holds his head down and holds the pig out to Zim.

Dib: Wow! I can spy on a family of Nosferatus who just moved in down the street!

With a flash of light, the hover-helmet is replaced with a rubber piggy strapped to Dib's head. Dib screams as he plummets towards the ground. Temporal displacement strikes again. Gaz has a spot of chocolate on face as she is eating a candy bar.

Gaz: Wow!

Dib crashes in the neighbor's lawn. The rubber piggy bounces out and lands next to Gaz's feet. Cut to the present. Gaz sits on the couch sucking on a lollipop while watching a TV program showing some bats flying above a cow. Dib walks up wearing a cloak.

Dib: So anyhow, I was thinking I'd try one of Dad's old cloaking jackets and go spy on Zim's houthse!

Gaz: Dib, shhh. They're gonna show the bats eating a cow!

The sound of the cow wailing as it is being eaten is heard.

Dib: Whatever. I'm gonna sthneak up past those giant gnomesth--


Dib peers through a handheld camera device. Suddenly, a flash of light occurs. Dib becomes weaker, no thanks to Zim wreaking pig-related havoc to his past. His hair is disheveled and more teeth are missing. He has a large vein running across his head. He talks slowly as if he is always out of breath. A machine attached to his back pumps air into him through tubes attached to his neck. He is also no longer wearing the cloak. Instead of holding the binoculars, he is holding a piece of paper.

Dib: --and leave a... nahsty message note (Dib stumbles on his words)... and leave a nasty note on his door. Gaz... have I always had these tubes in my neck?

Dib pulls on the tubes.

Gaz: Hover-helmet accident when you were 6. Punched a hole through it in the sewer system, don't you remember?

Dib: *sigh* And have my plans always been this lame?

Gaz: Ooooh yeah.

Dib: And these... (eye twitches) visions of pigs... in my head... What's with these pigs?!

Cut to Zim's lab. The tricycle is there, along with the hover helmet, which is on a pedestal and is smoking. A few empty canisters lay on the ground. Zim holds one of them, peering into it.

Zim: Hmmm... hmmmm.... More piggies, GIR! I demand more piggies!

GIR runs up and hands Zim a piggy. Zim eyes GIR suspiciously and holds a hand out to GIR. GIR's antennae retracts and his head open up, then hundreds of rubber piggies shoot out and fill the lab. GIR giggles shamefully.

Zim: No! These are for science!

Zim holds up a rubber piggy.

Zim: Science!

GIR's antennae bends to the side and his eyes water.

Zim: Okaaay.

GIR smiles and then dives into the pile of rubber piggies.

Zim: Now...

Zim walks over to the time space object replacement device.

Zim: ... back to my filthy evil, I guess.

Zim presses some buttons on the control panel. A monitor attached to the time space object replacement device shows a Bigfoot child climbing to the top of a playground structure, obviously fleeing from Dib. Dib climbs towards the Bigfoot child. The words 'Past: Dib' are written in the corner. Dib holds the camera and clings to the bars of the playground device with his claw hand.

Dib: It's a Bigfoot baby! I know it!

Bigfoot Child: Leave me alone!

The Bigfoot child makes it to the top of the playground structure.

Dib: Nobody has ever gotten footage this close before!

The Bigfoot child makes a moaning noise.

Bigfoot Child: I'm a regular kid! I just want to eat grubs!

Dib: Eat your grubs, Sasquatch!

While Dib is looking through the camera, Zim's time-changing shenanigans does more damage as a flash of light occurs and the camera is replaced with a rubber piggy. Dib screams. He loses his grip and falls to the ground. Electricity from the broken oxygen pack on his back surges through him. Cut to the present. Dib walks down the street towards Zim's house with the nasty note in his hand. As he walks, the flash of light occurs and he becomes weaker and weaker, with more veins on his face and veiny eyes. GIR walks out of the house, out of disguise, singing and holding a rubber piggy.

GIR: Doo dee doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo, doo dee doo dee doo, doo.

Dib makes it to the front lawn of Zim's house just as GIR is leaving. Dib screams, dropping the nasty note. GIR screams as well, throwing the rubber piggy into the air. Dib screams again. GIR screams again. GIR runs off into the house. Dib looks at the rubber piggy and growls. Zim presses buttons on the control panel of the time space object replacement device when he hears pounding on the front door.

Dib's voice: Zim! Zim!

GIR watches from the window as Dib lies on the ground in front of his front door, pounding on it.

Dib: I know you're behind the piggies, Zim! I don't know how, but I know that it's you! Rubber piggies have ruined my life, and it's all been you!

Zim laughs.

Zim: So close to victory.

A monitor attached to the time space object replacement device shows Dib, close to Death's door, in the past, directly after he fell trying to tape the big foot child. He is on the ground, and the paramedics are next to him. His oxygen pack is broken in half and lies nearby. A small crowd of people are gathered around. A paramedic crouched next to Dib holds defibrillator charge pads, ready to use them on Dib for one last ditch revival.

Paramedic: Come on, kid! If I lose one more patient today, I'm gonna get written off!

Dib opens his eyes weakly.

Paramedic: Clear!

Suddenly, the charge pads get replaced with two rubber piggies, courtesy of Zim.

Paramedic: Come on, kid!

The paramedic presses the piggies onto Dib's chest, causing more pain than good.

Paramedic: Clear!

The paramedic rams the piggies into Dib's chest again.

Paramedic: Oh, stay with me! STAY WITH ME!!!

Dib's eyes close... perhaps this is the end of the road for Zim's Earthenoid rival. A monitor attached to the space/time object replacement device that shows Dib's history, heartbeat, and lifeline shows all three lines go flat, signaling his presumed final death. A machine lowers from the ceiling of Zim's lab and dispenses a drink for him to commemorate the Irken exile's victory. Zim takes a sip of the drink.

Zim: Aaah.... foolish Earth creature.

Zim walks over to an elevator shaft. A hovering platform lifts him up. As Zim rises up to the next level, the lines show life again - looks like Zim underestimated Time itself, and is about to suffer the consequences. Dib, fetched from Death's doorstep in the nick of time, weakly opens his eyes. A monitor attached to the space time object replacement device shows an urgent news report with Prof. Membrane in the past, with the words 'Past: Dib' in the corner.

Prof. Membrane: Since my son's skeleton was accidentally crushed by a paramedic in a freak piggy accident, I have created the new MegaBoy 3000 (Prof. Membrane lifts up a small model of the MegaBoy 3000) fusion-powered titanium exoskeleton! It will give him the strength of ten thousand little boys!

Zim rises out of the toilet, sipping his drink. Suddenly, the house shakes and Zim drops his drink.

Dib's voice: You will pay for ruining my childhood, Zim! YOU! WILL!! PAY!!!

Zim: That last piggy should have reduced him to nothing! What happened?!?! Where did history go wrong?!?!

Zim goes back down through the toilet. Dib bursts through the wall of Zim's house in the MegaBoy 3000. The lawn gnomes fire defensive LASERs at Dib as he walks into the house - to no effect. GIR stands in the kitchen doorway, holding a piggy. He is dumbstruck at the sight of Dib in the MegaBoy 3000. His antennae droops down.

Dib: My whole life has been a miserable pig-filled ordeal because of you!

Dib punches a picture of Zim and GIR in their disguises that is on a shelf.

Dib: You can hide, Zim, but you can't... hide!

Zim hurls rubber piggies into the time portal at a constant rate.

Zim: There must be some way of stopping him, some point in time where he's still vulnerable to the piggy!

As Zim throws piggies in, unfortunately, that only made Dib stronger as rays and missiles suddenly appear on the MegaBoy 3000 exoskeleton thanks to temporal alteration, until Dib's exoskeleton becomes a fully-armed-to-the-teeth battlesuit.

Dib: Prepare for destruction!

Dib launches a motherload of rockets and missiles. GIR screams and runs, the missiles coming right behind him. He jumps into the toilet just in time. He screams as he falls into the lab, fires blazing behind him. He rolls up behind Zim, holding the rubber piggy. Zim turns around and grabs the piggy.

Zim: Only one left! Noooooo!

GIR: Yay-- we're doomed!

The lab shakes as Dib pounds his way into it from the upper layer.

Zim: Wait! There may be one last chance!

Zim presses some buttons on the control panel.

Zim: I have to warn myself in the past to never use this time machine!

The monitor attached to the space time object replacement device shows when the hunter destroyer machine was first being sent into the time portal. The words 'past: Zim' are in the corner.

Zim: Now, to unleash screaming temporal doom!

Zim hums as he writes something on the rubber piggy. Dib bursts in from the ceiling above.

Dib: And now, Zim! This is for tampering with the past! This is for the pigs!

Dib raises the fist of the Mega Boy 3000. Zim tosses the piggy into the time portal. Dib swings his fist towards Zim.

Dib: Enjoy your last moment--

Suddenly, with a flash (you see Bloody GIR in the middle of the portal), Dib is back to normal. He stands outside of Dib's front door holding a camera.

Dib: --of privacy! Soon the world will see-- wait a minute. Have I always been like this? Yes, I have, haven't I? My whole life! Good old Dib-like Dib!

Two of the lawn gnomes turn around to face Dib then they slide towards him with their arms outstretched.

Dib: Wuh-hey!!

The lawn gnomes grab Dib by his feet and drag him away.

Dib: Hey, wait a minute! Hey!

The lawn gnomes drag him off screen and then the sound of them punching Dib as he shouts can be heard. Cut to Zim's lab.

GIR: It's like none of it ever happened! Where did the last piggy go?

Zim groans and drools, then lifts up his brain. The words 'one hour earlier' appear. The hunter destroyer machine approaches the time portal opening. Zim presses more buttons on the control panel.

Zim: Now, to unleash screaming temporal doom!

Suddenly, a flash of light occurs and Zim's arms go all wiggly as he drools and groans. Cut to an x-ray view of Zim's head, where we see that the rubber piggy is in his head in place of his brain. Zim's voice reads what is written on the rubber piggy.

Whoops.

Zim's voice: ZIM! Don't use the time machine! Love, ZIM!

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