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Battle-Dib (Transcript)

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Battle-Dib

Some screen grabs from Prof. Membrane's show 'Probing the Membrane of Science' play as an announcer speaks.


Announcer: We'll be back with more mind-shattering adventures in science in just a moment when Professor Membrane returns.


The first screen grab that plays shows Prof. Membrane holding a rod that is shooting electricity at the head of a kid who has a metal ring around his head. The scary monkey is next to the kid with the top of his head removed, exposing his brains. The second screen grab shows Prof. Membrane lifting up a baby by the neck as children watch while Dib stands next to him holding out a folder that he most likely wants Prof. Membrane to view or sign. The words 'Probing the Membrane of Science' appear. The third screen grab shows Prof. membrane pouring a mixture in a room full of smoke and rays of light. The skeletons of two kids run away. Cut to Prof. Membrane studios. Dib runs up to the door panting and holding a briefcase with the Swollen Eyeball insignia on it, but a guard stops him, holding a tazer stick at Dib.


Door guard: Whoa! Whoa!! Audience tryouts are on the OTHER side of the building!


Dib: No, (pant) I have to get in to see Professor Membrane!


The door guard zaps Dib with his tazor. Dib screams. The door guard does it again and Dib screams louder.


Door guard: Nobody gets in to see Professor Membrane without a security clearance!


Dib: You don't get it! He's my dad!


The door guard shocks him again. Dib screams.


Dib: Dib: Really, I need him to sign this!


The door guard shocks him again. Dib screams.


Dib: Will you cut that out!?!


The door guard raises his tazor away from Dib.


Dib: If I don't get him to sign this, (Dib pulls a permission slip out of his vest and waves it around) the world as we know it will be destroyed!


Door guard: Okay. You explain it to me.


Dib: Okay...


Flashback to Dib's house. Dib is in his room at the computer. The same brief case lies on a desk in Dib's room, open and displaying a 3-d rotating projection of Zim's head without the disguise on. Dib's monitor displays the silhouette of an agent from the 'Swollen Eyeball' society.


Swollen Eyeball: Agent Mothman, your fellow Swollen Eyeball members agree to see this presentation of yours at 8:00 sharp tonight. But you will need a signed permission slip to attend tonight's meeting.


Dib: Are you kidding? I need my dad's permission to save the world?


Swollen Eyeball: Don't try faking a signature either. The paper is programmed to explode in just such an event.


Dib's monitor fades out. Dib stands up and walks over to his open brief case.


Dib: Well, they at least gave me this chance to present my findings on Zim. I can't mess this up.


Dib shuts the brief case and picks it up. He points to the sky.


Dib: Mankind depends on it!


End flashback. Dib it pointing to the sky. The door guard puts his tazor up to Dib and then shocks him. Dib groans.


Dib: Hey!


Gaz walks up as smoke rises up from Dib.


Dib: Gaz! What are you doing here?


Flash back to Dib's living room. Gaz sets a box of pizza on the coffee table as Dib walks in.


Dib: I can't believe I don't have handcuffs to lock this thing to my wrist! Okay, checklist. Briefcase, permission slip, extra copy of permission slip just in case... I think that's it.


Gaz lifts the last slice of pizza out of the box and holds it to her mouth. Dib pops up next to her and grabs the pizza.


Dib: Oh yeah! Thanks, Gaz! Don't want to starve to death while saving the Earth!


Dib runs off. Gaz hyperventilates. Her eyes widen. The background changes to that of frowny faces.


Gaz: Let it be known that from this day, until the end of the day, vengeance will be mine. Dib, you will not know the meaning of peace, for I shall rain misery down upon your pizza-stealing heart!


Gaz's eye twitches. The flashback ends.


Gaz: I thought I'd help you out.


Dib: Thank you, Gaz. It's about time somebody helped out. You'd think people would be a little more eager to help fight off an invading alien swarm.


Gaz makes swirly motions with her finger to indicate to the guard that Dib is crazy.


Dib: Now if you would just show me to the-


The guard shocks Dib. Dib screams.


Door guard: Professor Membrane is shooting his show. The only way you get to see him is if you make it into the audience.


Dib: But he's my dad!


Door guard: Other side of the building!


The guard shocks Dib again. Dib screams. A large tube lowers over Dib and sucks him up. Dib hits his back on the edge and then groans as he is sucked up. His briefcase follows.


Door guard: Fanboy...


Dib falls out of the other end of the tube in a room with many desks where people are filling out a test. Dib lands in an empty desk. He glances around and then his brief case falls from the tube onto his head. Dib groans. A hovering robot approaches Dib holding a piece of paper in one claw and a pencil in the other.


Robot: This is the Professor Membrane audience admissions exam.


The robot hands Dib the paper and pencil. Dib holds up the paper and glances at it.


Dib: You need to take an exam to be in the audience?


Robot: This exam will test your knowledge of science, math, and the personal history of Professor Membrane.


Dib: How am I supposed to know what Dad's first sentient thought was?


Gaz: It was, "I will poop now."


Dib looks at the desk behind him and sees Gaz sitting there reading the book 'I, membrane.'


Gaz: It's here in his autobiography.


A Professor Membrane Rejected Girl wearing Membrane merchandise sitting behind Gaz looks over Gaz's shoulder.


Rejected Girl Heh, that's not it, it's-


Gaz knocks the rejected girl out of her chair with a hearty smack in the face.


Dib: How did you get in here?


Gaz: I took the staff entrance.


Dib: There's a staff entrance?


Gaz shrugs.


Dib: Fine! Maybe I don't know Dad's first poop, but I can beat this test with my superior knowledge of science.


As Dib writes, the robot hovers by. Gaz looks over Dib's shoulder and shakes her head. Dib smiles as he writes some more. Gaz looks over his shoulder and shakes her head again. Dib looks over at the person sitting to his left, but Gaz shoots out of the side of the screen, blocking Dib from cheating. Dib writes and glances back and forth to Gaz nervously. Dib looks at Chris Farley who is sitting on the right, but Gaz pops down from the ceiling, upside-down, blocking Dib's view. Dib glances at Gaz repeatedly as he writes. Gaz rises out of view. The rejected girl sitting behind Gaz raises her hand and the hovering robot hovers to her. It grabs her test and slips it into a slot on its head.


Robot: 94 percent. Your score is...


The rejected girl sits happily waiting for the answer.


Robot: UNACCEPTABLE!


The rejected girl screams as her desk slides out of the row and zooms backwards towards the wall. The desk goes into an open chamber of pitch black room and steal doors shut behind her with the word 'reject' marked on them. Red lights flash. Dib looks back at where she went, worried. The hovering robot grabs Dib's test and sticks it into the slot on the top of its head.


Robot: Evaluating... 94.1 percent. Your score is... acceptable! Congratulations!


A celebratory tune plays from the robot. A compartment opens on the robot and confetti sprays out.


Dib: Okay, that was annoying.


Dib grabs his suitcase as the hovering robot hovers away.


Dib: But at least it was easy.


The tube lowers from the ceiling above Dib's head. As Dib gets sucked up, he hits his head on the rim. Dib screams. Dib rises up into a darkened arena in a battle suit, holding his suit case. A mechanical arm places a helmet on Dib's head. Another mechanical arm places a disk shaped marker on his chest. A light shines on Dib.


Announcer: Welcome to the audience admissions test, round two!


Dib: Round two?


Lights turn on revealing that Dib is in a giant chain-link dome. Dib gasps. He turns around and sees Gaz leaning against the outside of the dome.


Dib: Gaz?


Gaz: Staff entrance.


We see that the announcer's voice is coming from a bundle of speakers outside the dome.


Announcer: Junior scientist, choose your science tool!


The floor opens up and a row of giant tools rise out, including tongs, a dropper, a cork-screw, and a nail file.


Dib: Okay...


Dib grabs the dropper. A mechanical arm that was holding it up lets go and all the other tools lower into the floor.


Announcer: Now, let the battle begin!


Dib: Battle?


A deformed green ogre kid with a gargantuan head charges Dib with a giant q-tip.


Shunk Wugga: Feel the power of Shunk Wugga!


Dib screams and runs as Shunk chases after him, grunting as he runs. Shunk knocks Dib down by smacking him with his q-tip. Dib bounces against the wall and hits the floor. He looks up at Shunk, worried.


Shunk Wugga: Don't worry small friend. Shunk have plan. We end in tie we both go see show.


Dib: What? Okay, Shunk was it?


Dib extends a hand to Shunk but accidentally hits Shunk's point marker. It flashes.


Announcer: Point goes to contestant number one!


The score board increases a point on Dib's side.


Shunk Wugga: All of Shunk's dreams not come true!


Dib walks over and sits down on a seat against the wall in front of where Gaz watches from behind the fencing, griping it in her hands.


Dib: I'm not sure what kind of test this is, Gaz, but I seem to be doing okay.


Gaz growls and lets go of the fencing, leaving. Shunk sits on the seat on his side of the arena.


Shunk Wugga: Little guy betray me! Shunk feel hurt like never before!


Gaz appears behind Shunk outside of the arena.


Gaz: You know, he says he could slice you....


Gaz scuttles out of view and appears on the other side of Shunk.


Gaz: Like a pizza! And your head is hideously misshapen.


Shunk Wugga: No!


Announcer: Battle 2 of 3! Test your knowledge of combustion with Pyrochaos!


Two large monitor screens outside the arena show an image of flames in place of images of Dib and Shunk that is was showing before. Dib glances down as the floor lowers leaving 18 platforms. Flames shoot out from where the floor was. A mechanical arm emerges from the wall and attaches a cable to Dib's back. The same thing happens to Shunk. The mechanical arms rise to the top of the arena. Dib looses his balance and falls onto the edge of the platform he is standing on.


Dib: What does this have to do with science!?!


Dib gets back up. Shunk leaps from platform to platform with the help of the cable attached to his back. Dib glances at the flames and tucks his brief case under his arm and then clumsily jumps over to a platform and then over to another. Shunk leaps down on Dib and knocks the dropper out of Dib's hands with his q-tip. It falls into the flames and shatters. Dib leaps up as Shunk swings his q-tip. Dib leaps again and flies across the arena. He falls to a platform and Shunk leaps at him. Shunk misses Dib with his q-tip and cracks the platform. Flames rise and in front of Dib, and when they lower, Dib sees Shunk right in front of him aiming his q-tip. Dib attempts to get away, but Shunk grabs Dib by his ankle. He pulls Dib back and lets go, sending him launching into the air. Dib hits the dome wall and bounces off of it. He falls down between the platforms. The cord pulls him back up just as flames rise. As he flies back up, Shunk swings his q-tip and misses. Dib flies up to the wall again but latches on this time.


Shunk Wugga: Come down.


Dib: Nnnno...


Shunk Wugga: Come down and face Shunk.


Dib: No.


Shunk Wugga: SHUNK!


Dib: How did you pass the verbal portion of the exam anyway?


Shunk puts down his q-tip and grabs the chain link wall. He shakes it and the entire dome shakes. Gaz watches happily. Dib screams as he looses grip and falls onto a platform. Shunk goes over to Dib. Shunk flips Dib over with his q-tip and uses the end of the q-tip to hit the marker on Dib's chest. It flashes and beeps.


Announcer: Score goes to contestant 2. Let the tie breaker begin!


The score board adds a point to Shunk's side. The floor rises back up. They return to their corners and sit down. Dib pants.


Dib: It may be time to change strategies.


Gaz: Yeah? Maybe I can help.


Dib: Tell Shunk I'm willing to reconsider his offer for a tie.


Gaz appears behind Shunk.


Gaz: Dib says he wants you to explode and your head is still big!


Shunk Wugga: Doctor say big head not mean anything bad! Shunk not bad! Shunk eat enemy!


Shunk drools.


Announcer: Prepare for the final contest! Testing your knowledge of the insect world and cybernetic death machines, cyborarachnarama!


The monitor screen shows a spider shape along with the words 'CYBOR ARACHNA RAMA.'


Dib: Cyberachno? Spider robots? Do spiders have robots?


The top of the arena opens and two legless spider body suits lower from the ceiling. Each one is carried to the opponent by a mechanical arm. When Dib's reaches him, the top opens up. Dib tries to scramble away but a mechanical arm grabs him and puts him inside the spider suit as he gasps. The suit closes on him so only his head is sticking out. Dib looks at the control panel. The mechanical arm holding up the spider suit lets go and Dib flips around the ground grunting before spider legs extend from the body. Both Shunk and Dib scramble up separate sides of the dome. Shunk leaps at Dib but Dib side steps him. As Dib scrambles away, he slips, but he regains balance. Shunk and Dib both leap off of the walls and hurtle towards each other. Shunk hits Dib with a spider leg and they both cling to separate sides again. Shunk shoots artificial spider webbing out of the abdomen of his suit. Dib tries to jump out of the way but it ties around all of his legs. Dib also shoots his webbing and it hits the ceiling. Dib hangs from the ceiling as Shunk climbs up the wiring.


Dib: Hey, Shunk, how 'bout we do that tie thing now, eh?


Shunk Wugga: Big head can go off and explode huh?


Shunk cuts the top webbing with his spider arm. They both fall to the floor, except Shunk falls on Dib breaking open Dib's spider suit and shooting him out. Shunk lies on his back in the spider suit.


Dib: See? It's a tie! This way we both win!


Shunk breaks out of his suit by sheer force. Dib shields his face as parts of the suit fly at him. Shunk walks over and looms over Dib.


Shunk Wugga: Shunk destroy!


Dib's lips wiggle in fear. Shunk raises a fist. He gently taps Dib's marker. Dib frowns. Shunk waves his arms victoriously.


Announcer: The winner is Shunk Wugga!


Fireworks explode with smoke.


Announcer: All losers leave the arena. Now.


A gate opens in the arena and studio guards walk in towards Dib, growling. One of the guards is the same one that guarded the Membrane Studio door.


Dib: Wait! I'm Doctor Membrane's son! Run a DNA test!


Dib grabs his brief case.


Dib: You gotta believe me!


The guards grab Dib and drag him out of the gate.


Dib: Come on... listen... to me... lemme... go!


Dib is dragged kicking and screaming through the halls. Dib looks at the clock and sees that it is 8:00. Dib screams even louder. The guards drag Dib past Gaz.


Dib: Gaz! Help me! I'm sorry about your tacos or whatever, just help me...


Gaz smiles and waves goodbye to Dib. Gaz catches sight of a box of pizza on a table with one slice of pizza left in it. Her eyes bulge and her pupils widen. As Dib gets dragged along, he opens his brief case and pulls out the two permission slips. He puts one back and shuts the brief case.


Dib: Excuse me, do you have a pen?


Door Guard: Here you go.


The guard hands Dib a pencil and Dib writes 'Prof. Membrane' in cursive on the signature line.


Slip: Forgery alert. This permission slip will self destruct in 5 seconds.


The slip starts beeping. Dib crumples it up and hurls it into a trash can. The trash can explodes. The guards get distracted by the explosion right as they reach the exit door. Dib bolts for it.


Guard: Hey, get back here! You!


They run past Gaz as she lifts the slice to her mouth. Dib runs by again.


Guard: Watch out!


Gaz turns to look and sees the guards coming back. One of the guards bumps her and she drops the pizza. The pizza drops to the floor in slow motion as Gaz reaches her hands out. It splats on the floor, bugs rushing to it. Dib runs down the hallway of dressing rooms.


Dib: Dad's dressing room must be around here somewhere!


Dib opens the door to Prof. Membrane's dressing room as he is powdering his face. Dib pants and holds up the other permission slip. The door shuts by itself behind Dib.


Dib: You gotta sign this! For the sake of all mankind!


Prof. Membrane: Now, now. I don't sign autographs backstage, little boy.


Dib: Little boy? Dad, I'm your-


The door opens up and the guards burst through.


Guard: There's the intruder! Get him!


The guards drag him out of the door. Dib drops the permission slip on the floor. After Dib is gone, Prof. Membrane picks it up.


Dib: Noooooo!!! Planet Earth, doooomed!


The guards hurl Dib into an alleyway by the trash, still wearing his battle outfit. His brief case lies on the alley floor.


Door guard: Next time, we'll call your parents! Or legal guardian!


They shut the door behind them.


Dib: This is awful. When the aliens have come and we're all slaves to their alien evil, will the world ever know how hard I tried? Will they? Huh? Huh?


The door opens back up and the door guard stands in the doorway.


Door guard: Oh yeah, Professor autographed this for ya.


The door guard drops the permission slip onto the ground and shuts the door behind him. Dib picks up the slip.


Dib: My permission slip! I can give my presentation! I did it! the world is saved!


Dib laughs and snort happily.


Dib: I can do my presen-


Dib falls backwards.


Dib: Ow!


Dib walks on stage to the Swollen Eyeball meeting chamber. Two monitor screens show the eyeball insignia. Dib walks up to a podium. the audience is filled with guys that look just like the one that talked to Dib at the beginning of the episode.


Dib: My fellow Eyeballs. I won't make you wait any longer. What you are about to hear and see will... um... will...


Dib glances around and then stares, slack-jawed. Cut to the alleyway behind the Membrane Studios. The briefcase is laying on the ground. The spooky Chihuahua walks up to the briefcase. He grabs the handle in his mouth and growls as he drags the briefcase away. Cut back to the Swollen Eyeball Meeting chamber.


Dib: Uh... Could we reschedule this?


Fade out.

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