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Bloaty's Pizza Hog (Transcript)

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Dib zips up a black stealth suit and snaps a belt around his waist. He adjusts a pair of binocular goggles on his forehead. On the floor next to him, Gaz draws an evil-looking piggy with crayons.


Dib: This is it, Gaz: Months of spying on Zim's freakish little house are about to pay off.


Gaz frowns and moves her piggy drawing to the side and begins drawing another one.


Dib: I know every outer defense and just enough of the inner ones to actually make it down to the real base underneath.


Gaz crumples up the half-finished piggy drawing and throws it, then begins scribbling another piggy.


Dib: And once I get in there, I'm... man, am I gonna to do something...


Gaz grips the crayon she is drawing with tightly and grinds it over the drawing and onto the carpet. She begins pounding the floor with her fist as her head slowly rotates a full 360 degrees.


Gaz: I'm trying to draw a little piggy!


Gaz groans as she sweats and drools. Her voice echoes.


Gaz: Can't you see I'm trying to draw a little piggy!?!


Gaz goes back to normal.


Gaz: Be quiet.


Dib: Don't you care that Zim's trying to destroy all mankind? Huh?


Gaz starts drawing a pig on a fresh sheet of paper.


Gaz: But he's so bad at it.


Dib sighs.


Dib: You just don't get it.


Dib walks off. Prof. Membrane's hover screen hovers over to Gaz projecting an image of Prof. Membrane.


Prof. Membrane: Gaz, it's the annual family night out, and it's your turn to pick where we eat. The time for choosing is now!


Gaz's eyes become swirling spirals. Gaz's eyes show images of Bloaty's Pizza Hog's head rotating.


Prof. Membrane: What's the matter? Do you know where you-


Gaz: Bloaty's. We're going to Bloaty's Pizza Hog. Pig... commands me!


Prof. Membrane: That sounds fine. I'll be home at eight!


The hover screen goes static and hovers away. Gaz's eyes widen as images of Bloaty's Pizza Hog swirl around her head. As Dib yells out, the images of Bloaty turn to flames.


Dib: I'll be home in time for Mysterious Mysteries.


The flames disappear.


Gaz: You know Dad's taking us out tonight. I picked Bloaty's.


Dib: This is bigger than pizza, Gaz! This is the fate of all mankind!


Gaz: You and your mankind...


Dib: Uh-huh. Whatever. Look, if I'm not home in time, call this number and tell them the Mothman is caught in the spider's web.


Dib hands Gaz a sheet of paper that shows a picture of a swollen eyeball with the number 1-555-555-0199.


Dib: They'll know what you mean. But, like I said, I'll probably be back before the Mysteries theme song starts.


Dib opens the front door.


Gaz: You can go now.


Dib leaves, shutting the door behind him. Gaz drops the Swollen Eyeball sheet onto the floor and goes back to drawing piggies. The words 'Two Hours Later' appear. Gaz is still drawing piggies. The TV is on.


Announcer: Welcome, truth seekers, to Mysterious Mysteries... of Strange Mystery.


Gaz's eyes widen. Gaz grabs the Swollen Eyeball sheet and eats it as Prof. Membrane walks through the front door.


Prof. Membrane: Kids, I'm home. Are you ready to go? Where's your brother?


Gaz: He's out, let's go.


Prof. Membrane: No, no, It's family night. That means everyone! If he doesn't get back soon, we'll have to put it off 'till next year.


Gaz: What about the rest of this year?


Prof. Membrane: Hmmm, well...


Prof. Membrane taps a button on his left arm that is connected by a wire to his goggles.


Prof. Membrane: Simmons, how does my schedule look for the rest of this year?


Prof. Membrane's goggles light up.


Simmons' Voice: Busy sir, very busy. Wait! Something just opened up for September. Oh, scratch that. It just filled up.


Prof. Membrane presses the button on his arm again and his goggles turn dark.


Prof. Membrane: No good, honey. It has to be today! And I've got a cure to discover at 9:30-


Gaz growls.


Prof. Membrane: -So if he's not home soon, we're going to have to cancel the whole thing!


Gaz growls as Prof. Membrane walks inside. Gaz walks into her room when Dib's voice comes from a watch-shaped device around her wrist.


Dib: Gaz! Come in, Gaz! Emergency!


Gaz looks at the device. It has a small view screen that shows Dib transmitting from Zim's lab.


Dib: There you are, Gaz! Looks like you'll have to tape the show for me, I made it in! It's... incredible! There are things down here I've never even dreamed of! I'm gonna try and blow it up.


Gaz: Come home now, Dib! Your weird obsessions are not gonna mess today up for me! I just want to go out and eat with Dad, that's all! Stop playing with Zim and get back here!


Dib: You're breaking up! I can't hear you, I- Bolts of energy fly past Dib. He looks to his side.


Dib: What!?! Zim! You'll never get away with-


Dib screams as a bolt of energy hits him and makes him fly out of view.


Dib: You got away with it for now, Zim-


The view screen goes into static.


Dib: -But you won't get away with it for long!


Gaz pulls off the device and throws it onto the floor. It falls under her bed.


Dib: Gaz, make sure you don't record over any old episodes!


The static on the screen is abruptly replaced by GIR's red-eyed visage, with his eyes narrowed wickedly... then the static returns. Gaz zips up her own stealth suit and puts on boots. She walks up to Zim's front door and rings the doorbell. RoboMom answers the door.


RoboMom: Well, hello little boy, oh!


Gaz grits her teeth and grunts as she shoves RoboMom back into the wall. RoboMom's eye falls out. RoboMom feels the empty socket.


RoboMom: How embarrassing! Ah!


RoboMom wheels towards its eye. GIR sits on the couch holding a stuffed monkey.


GIR: Shhh... I'm guarding the house!


GIR lifts up the monkey and holds it up to Gaz. Monkey noises are heard. RoboMom picks up its eye and tries putting it back into the socket. The TV plays a commercial for Bloaty's Pizza Hog. The sound of children chanting "Bloaty's Pizza Hog" is heard through the commercial. Flan rubs pizza on his head while Billy Slunchy jams two pizzas into his mouth. A hand holds up a sign that says 'Bloatys Pizza Hog' on it with pictures of pizzas in front of the camera. The hand lifts the sign away. Kids climb all over the man in the Bloaty's Pizza Hog costume while eating pizza.


Bloaty: Come to Bloaty's Pizza Hog! We got games! We got Bloaty! We got pizza!


One kid throws a pizza and it hits Bloaty in the face.


Bloaty: What more you askin' for!?!


Gaz's eyes are once again swirling spirals with images of Bloaty's face rotating in them.


Kids: We love you Bloaty!


Bloaty: I love you, kids.


Bloaty groans and drools. Gaz's stomach growls. She clutches it. Gaz shakes her head to get out of the Bloaty trance.


Gaz: Where's Dib?


GIR goes into serious mode. He throws the monkey into the air and hops off of the couch. Guns and missile launchers emerge from his head. GIR holds up a hand.


GIR: None may pass! You are an intruder!


Gaz: Where is Dib?


GIR goes back to normal, his weapons retracting into his head.


GIR: He went down there.


GIR walks over to the desk in the living room. It lifts up and the floor beneath it opens. GIR and Gaz step onto a hover platform that lowers them down towards Zim's lab. GIR looks at Gaz and opens his mouth wide, making a happy noise. Gaz looks at him disapprovingly and grunts. GIR goes it again and Gaz growls at him. The hover platform reaches the lab. Gaz follows GIR over to a few teleporters. GIR points to one.


Gaz: You're sure they took this one?


GIR: Yes! Wait... I dunno.


Gaz walks into the teleporter. Electricity goes through it. She walks out in an identical teleporter elsewhere. She walks over to a window and looks out to find she is in a massive Irken space station high above the Earth.


Gaz: Eh.


Gaz walks through the ship. The echo of Zim's laughter is heard. She walks into a hallway and the laughter grows louder. At the end of the hallway, Gaz finds herself on a platform looking down on a large room where Zim is along with Dib in a large glass containment unit.


Zim: Impressive that you got inside my base, Dib. if you hadn't of made the stupid mistake of trying to transmit a message, I may never have caught you. But I did catch you! By the Irken rules of war, you are my prisoner. You'll do your species the honor of being one of the first to experimented on.


Gaz crawls along on a thick wire.


Gaz: Hmmm.... Just one experiment, then I go rescue him.


Zim laughs.


Zim: Now Dib, let's see what you look like with all your organs... On the outside!


Zim pulls a lever and light flashes.


Gaz: Oooooh!


Zim: On the outside! Get it? The outside!


Cut to Gaz dragging Dib inside her house with his organs on the outside. Flies surround Dib.


Gaz: Okay Dad! We can go to Bloaty's now!


Prof. Membrane: No, no, no! We can't go anywhere with him like that! Family night is canceled until his organs are inside him again.


Gaz: Canceled!?! Nooooo!


Gaz glances at Dib as she groans and screams. Cut back to Gaz in the ship above the Earth, revealing that that was just a fantasy.


Gaz: That's enough of that.


Gaz leaps down and slides over the containment jar Dib is in.


Gaz: Come on, Dib.


Zim: What is this!?! Is this some kind of a joke!?! Dib, you really sunk low if you think your little sister can help you! I made that containment chamber myself. I would destroy you right now if I didn't expect to get so much enjoyment from watching you try to get him out.


Gaz grits her teeth. Her leg jitters. She kicks the containment chamber and cracks the containment chamber glass. It breaks open and the liquid inside spills out. Dib slides out with it. Zim groans. Zim screams as the liquid washes him away. There is a a hovering platform next to the cracked containment chamber.


Dib: Gaz! You rescued me!


Gaz: Yeah, yeah, now let's go. Dib: We can't leave now! We can stop him once and for all, you and me, as a team! Whaddya you say?


Gaz grits her teeth. Cut to Dib strapped onto the hovering platform and Gaz pushing him along.


Dib: What are you doing? We can't leave him like this!


Gaz pushes the hover platform ahead of her, sending it crashing into a wall.


Dib: He's vulnerable! We can stop his reign of terror!


Gaz: All I want is to have some pizza-


The hover platform hovers back over to where Gaz.


Gaz: -hang out with Dad, and not have your weirdness mess up my day.


Dib: Reign of terror, Gaz! Reign of terror!


An electrical sound is heard, followed by Zim's laughter. They look over to see Zim standing on one of the teleporters. All of the wires hooked up to each teleporter are cut.


Zim: You can't escape by teleporter, little Gaz. I've cut the power.


Zim jumps down from the teleporters over to where Gaz and Dib are.


Zim: Your pitiful rescue attempt is nothing but a pitiful failure! Stupid, stinking, humans.


Gaz: Doesn't this station have escape pods?


Zim: Of course, they're right over there.


Zim points. Gaz starts to push Dib towards where Zim pointed.


Zim: Stupid, stupid... Hmmm?


Zim wails. Cut to the docking area of the station. Gaz sits in the pilot seta of an escape pod while Dib is set upward, still strapped to the hover platform, in the passenger seat.


Dib: Come on, Gaz! You'd sacrifice the entire planet just for some pizza!?!


Gaz: Look, you got to pick what we ate last time and now it's my turn!


Gaz grits her teeth.


Dib: Why can't you just go tomorrow!?!


Gaz: You just don't get it, do you?


Gaz presses a button on the control panel and the escape pod undocks. Zim hops into another escape pod. Zim presses a button and the windshield closes up. Gaz flies her escape pod out of the station, Zim flying right behind her. They fly along the surface of the moon.


Zim: Try to outrun me in one of my own ships?


A joystick emerges from the control panel of Zim's escape pod. On the front of the escape pod, a gun emerges. Zim presses a button on the joystick and the gun fires laser bolts. Gaz dodges the shots and they hit the surface of the moon. As the laser bolts hit the surface of the moon, it creates chunks of debris. One chunk hits the laser of Zim's escape pod, crushing it. Zim clicks the button on the joystick but nothing happens. Zim grows angry and moves the joystick back and forth and wails as he rips it off of the control panel. Gaz presses some buttons on the control panel. A view screen turns on, showing an image of Prof. Membrane in his lab.


Gaz: Dad, it's me.


Prof. Membrane: Did you find your brother?


Gaz: Yeah. I'm going to meat you at Bloaty's, okay?


Prof. Membrane: Alright.


Gaz grunts as Zim rams their escape pod. Dib screams.


Gaz: I've got to go, Dad. Dib's little friend is bugging me.


Gaz presses a button on the control panel and the view screen go'es black.


Zim: Doo dee doo doo do.


Zim presses a button on the control panel. The damaged gun lowers and a new weapon emerges. The new weapon is a grappling hook launcher. It launches at Gaz's escape pod and attaches to the back of it. The two ships collide together as they approach the Earth.


Zim: Too easy...


Gaz: Hold onto something.


Dib: I can't!


Gaz presses some buttons on the control panel. The ships start to burn as they enter the atmosphere. She pounds a button and her thrusters turn on. The thrusters blast into Zim's ship. Zim groans. Since Zim's escape pod is attached to Gaz's by a grappling hook, it flies over Gaz's ship and lands in front of it. The cockpits now face each other. Gaz waves to Zim and then hits a button on the control panel. She manages to break away from Zim's ship and flies off, sending Zim's escape pod spinning as Zim hyperventilates, sweating. Gaz flies into a satellite and then the escape pod flies towards the city, flaming.


Gaz: Alright, this is gonna be rough.


Dib's cheeks swell up like he is going to barf. Cut to Bloaty's Pizza Hog restaurant. A giant mechanical Bloaty sticks out of the roof, waving. The guy in the Bloaty suit squeezes into a room that says 'Do Not Enter.' Once he makes it inside, he hacks and coughs, then shuts the door behind him. He unzips the costume. Inside the Bloaty costume is a morbidly obese man. As soon as the costume is off, his fat flabs out. He moans.


Fat Man: I eat too many pizzas.


The man lumbers over to a couch, moaning. As soon as he sits down, he falls asleep, snoring loudly. Many empty pizza boxes are stacked on the ground next to him. Gaz's escape pod bursts through the wall and flies into the man's side. The fat makes the escape pod bounce back. The man doesn't wake up. The windshield of the escape pod lifts up. gaz pushes Dib out, still strapped to the hover platform. Gaz hops out next.


Dib: Please, Gaz! Listen to reason!


Gaz pushes Dib's hover platform along and towards the door.


Dib: He's still out there! He'll be back! He's gonna-


Gaz and Dib exit, the door closes behind him. The shutting door wakes up the fat man for a second. He awakes with a groan.


Fat Man: No more pizza....


He falls asleep again, drooling. Cut to the game area of Bloaty's Pizza Hog. Kids play games like 'Pool of Balls' and a whack-a-mole type game. One kid stands at a 'Zap 'Em' booth and gets vaporized. The kid's companion laughs. At the restaurant area, the animatronic Sgt. Squid wanders by the tables where families eat. Animatronic mascots are everywhere. Miss Manatee walks in place in the corner while Moose of Doom frightens a baby with its mechanical claw. Gaz, Dib, and Prof. membrane sit at a booth. A waiter in Bloaty clothes delivers pizza to their table. Dib is still strapped to the hover platform while Prof. Membrane talks to one of the scientists through a view screen.


Prof. Membrane: Make sure that you keep a close eye on the pressure and I'll be back in the lab in about an hour.


Dib: I had him! I had him Gaz!


Gaz groans as Dib talks.


Dib: If you hadn't rescued me I would've-


The bell to the front door of the restaurant rings and Zim walks in. Zim straightens his wig and notices Dib and Gaz.


Zim: Hmmm!


Dib: There he is! Gaz, unstrap me!


Dib struggles to break free. Zim leaps into the air and lands on the table across from Gaz and Dib.


Zim: Now Dib, we finish this once and for-


Zim screams as a mechanical Bloaty with a wobbling head zooms over.


Mechanical Bloaty: Doo dee doo dee doo. (repeats this over and over)


Zim crawls away, sweating. The sounds of children chanting "Bloaty's Pizza Hog" can be heard. The other Animatronic Horrors pop up, surrounding Zim, including Sgt. Squid, Moose of Doom, Miss Manatee, and a sailor lemur thing. Zim glances back and forth and slowly crawls away. The mechanical mascots bob up and down. Zim stands up and the mascots rotate around him.


Zim: What form of Earth monsters are these!?! Zim screams and shoves past them, then runs out of the restaurant.


Gaz: There, see, you won. Eat your pizza.


Dib struggles to move.


Dib: I can't.


Gaz flings a pizza at his face, splattering with grease and pepperoni. He catches the tip in his mouth and chews on that.

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