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Dib's Wonderful Life of Doom (Transcript)

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The screen fades from black to a close up on a strange, tar-like substance. The camera zooms out to a large, red container with "CAUTION" written on it, attached to a bunch of pipes. It then pans down to the skool cafeteria, where a bunch of kids are waiting in line for their lunch. A child steps to the front of the line, tray in his hands. A tank labeled "GOVERNMENT SUPPLY" squirts some of the gray substance onto his plate, some of it splashing onto his face. He flinches. The camera pans toward his face as his eyes widen, accompanied by a red background. The liquid gets absorbed into his eyesockets, and eventually into his pupils. He struggles and grunts, grabbing his head as if he had a terrible headache. The substance on his plate has apparently attached itself to his chin and arms. Suddenly, he stops struggling, along with a comical dinging sound. He casually walks away and another student takes his place. The camera pans to Zim , who had been previously sitting at the table behind them. He glances back at the lunch line, wearing purple goggles and gloves. He looks down at his food, which was the same unknown substance the other skoolchildren were eating. Reluctantly, Zim picks up his spoon and pokes it a few times in disgust. He looks up from his food. All the other skoolchildren give him strange looks while a cricket chirps in the background. Zim removes his goggles and gloves, then picks up some of the alleged "food" with his spoon. He puts it in his mouth, which is immediately followed by a bout of severe coughing. His eyes water.

Zim: Delicious, delicious!

He stands up on top of the table, pumping his fists into the air.

Zim: I'm normal!

All the skoolchildren, blank-faced, slide off-screen with a whooshing sound. The camera pans to the back of the cafeteria, revealing an annoyed Dib .

Dib: How I am I still the only one who sees Zim's an alien? I mean, come on! Come on! COME ON!

He clenches his fists angrily at the boy next to him. Gaz casually walks by.

Gaz: Why do you have to have a head?

She takes a seat next to Dib, and sets her food on the table. Dib smiles and turns to her.

Dib: Gaz! I want you to see this. Today, things are gonna change. I'm gonna do... something! I'm not just gonna sit back and watch Zim get away with his... his... things he do!

Gaz cracks open an eye, making Dib realize his mistake. Unconsciously, he picks up his muffin.

Dib: I mean—

Gaz: "Things he DO"? What's your problem?

Dib: Oh, you know what I mean! I'm just... I have to do something about it. Something... new! And SOON!

Dib eyes Zim from across the room. Zim picks at his food, making Dib grit his teeth. He continues to pick at his food. Dib is laying on the desk, trunk-style, clenching his fist. Zim still continues to jab at his food. Dib stands up, raising his hand with the muffin in it.

Dib: NOW!

Dib, off-screen, flings the muffin. It hits Zim's head with a squeak.

Zim: What? WHO?!

Gaz: That... that was horrible.

Gaz looks away while Dib smirks. Zim snatches the muffin off the table.

Zim: WHOOO DID THIS?!

Zim jumps up onto the table once again.

Zim: Who dares to soil my normal boy head with this... PORK-COW?!

The rest of the class is looking back at Zim with strange looks.

Poonchy : THAT'S A STINKIN' MUFFIN!

Zim: Silence! Whatever this is, I will find the beast who threw it. I WILL FIND YOU! Sleep peacefully now, for it is the last peaceful sleep you will KNOW FROM THIS MOMENT ON!

Child (O.S.): BUT WE'RE NOT ASLEEP RIGHT NOW!

Zim glances around the class room, a bit of worry in his expression. The whole class stops and looks at him suspiciously. Zim's eye twitchs, and he screams before running out the cafeteria doors.

Dib: Heh, wow.

Gaz opens an eye.

Gaz: Actually, that was kinda funny.

The camera fades to Professor Membrane's house, and into Dib's room. He mumbles unintelligibly in his sleep as he rolls in bed. Apparently his glasses are still on. The sound of rockets landing outside is heard.

Dib (mumbling): Thank you, Mr. President...

A bright light fills Dib's room, causing him to pull his covers over his head. He opens his eyes, yelps, and sits up, his blanket still wrapped around him.

Dib: What?! Wh-wh-what's happening?!

His glasses glare, and two Meekrob float into his room through an open window.

Dib: Who—what—what are you?!

The Meekrobians flash, and turn into a pair of sneakers.

Dib: And... why did you transform into giant shoes?

Meekrob (unison): We are beings of pure energy. This is merely a form your human brain can understand.

Dib: But... you just looked like aliens before you turned into shoes.

Meekrob: Mmm... yes, but you couldn't comprehend that.

Dib raises an eyebrow.

Dib: Yes, I could.

Dib is suddenly slapped across the face by one of the Meekrob's laces.

Meekrob: Oh, forget that, already. Now, Dib—Dib... whatever your last name is.

Dib nods.

Dib: That's right.

Meekrob: We are the Meekrob, and we have a common enemy, Dib. The Irken Empire. We are busy fighting them on our own planet, but have come to offer you a gift that can aid in your battle with them.

The Meekrob glow with power, their laces pointed at Dib. Dib covers his eyes with a hand. The force gets stronger, forcing Dib to grip the mattress as the blanket flies off him. His grasp fails, and he is flung against the wall above his bed. An X-ray view of him appears a few times, accompanied by the sound of electricity crackling.

Dib: Aagh—nyah—OW, it hurts!

The Meekrob chuckle.

Meekrob: Yes. You now have the power to defend the Earth like never before.

Dib is still up against the wall. He looks at them in awe.

Dib: Why... Why did you choose me?

Meekrob: You are the worthiest, Dib. And, nobody's had a head large enough to accommodate so much power. Now, rest.

Dib looks at them one last time before suddenly drifting off to sleep. He falls face-first onto his bed. The Meekrob fly out of the window, leaving the room in flames. The next morning, Dib cracks open an eye. He sits up with a gasp.

Dib: A dream? Was it a dream? I feel... odd.

The camera switches to a view of the kitchen. Gaz picks up the toaster and angrily shakes it. A piece of burnt toast falls out. Gaz picks it up and sits down at the table before biting into it. Dib walks by, giggling to himself. He drops a piece of bread into the toaster and sits down next to Gaz.

Dib: What an amazing morning, isn't it?

Gaz grumbles and spits her toast at Dib. Dib wipes it off.

Dib: No, really! Something's... different.

The toast suddenly flies out of the toaster and into the air. Dib looks up, scoops some butter onto his butter knife, and flings it into the air. He jumps up to meet the perfectly-made toast in mid-air, and bites it before it lands right on his plate. Dib lands in a flawless dismount on the other side of the kitchen. He looks at his hands, smiling.

Dib: It wasn't a dream. I really was chosen!

Professor Membrane walks into the kitchen.

Prof. Membrane: Son, your looking in good spirits today! You must've finally seen the light about studying real science!

Dib turns to his dad, still looking bright.

Dib: No, dad! These alien shoes came into my room, and gave me some kind of gift! I know that sounds, but it's true!

He jumps into the air again, and does a backflip, landing infront of the fridge. He opens it, and takes out an empty glass and a carton of orange juice. He holds the cup upside down as the lid to the carton opens itself and pours itself into the cup. He drinks the juice while the carton puts it's lid back on before putting both back into the fridge.

Prof. Membrane: Those aliens were demented hullocinations!

Prof. Membrane takes out what looks like a laser pointer and holds it up to Dib's head. It projects a X-ray view of Dib's head.

Prof. Membrane: But, your DNA does seem to have evolved beyond that of normal human beings!

Dib looks somewhat confused. Gaz walks over to him with a grunt.

Gaz: Hmm, I... guess I'm sorry about being so mean to you all those times, then.

Dib looks at his hands.

Dib: This is... this is just incredible! I should... I should see if this whatever-it-is really will help me deal with Zim! I gonna head over to his base! Hey..., I'm speaking out loud to myself in an unnatural manner. Oh well!

Dib leaves the room while Gaz and Prof. Membrane watch. A fast slide show of Dib in various heroic, and rather ridiculous, poses appears.

Dib (O.S.): I AM DIB!

Dib steps outside his backdoor and jumps high into the air, accompanied by the sound of rockets. He lands in a bush just inside Zim's cul-de-sac.

Dib: Oh, man! That was great!

He ducks inside the bush and crouches on the ground.

Dib: Time for some serious note-taking!

Dib puts on a pair of viser-like binoculars. He focuses it on Zim's house and lifts up a note-pad and pencil. Abruptly, he puts down his things.

Dib: No! I'm sick of waiting and watching! I should take action! I'm... talking out loud some more! Odd! I'm going for it!

A dust cloud forms around him as he jumps up into the air, again accompanied by rocket sounds. He lands in front of Zim's yard. The gnomes lock on him. He jumps again, right as the gnomes shoot. Their heads blast off. Dib lands, now on Zim's doorstep. Once again, there is a slide show of Dib in several poses.

Dib (O.S.): DIB, D-DIB-DIB-D-DIB!

Dib knocks on the door with a smirk on his face. Zim opens the door, looking somewhat confused.

Zim: Huh?

Dib: I've got a few things to tell you, Zim.

The camera pans upwards towards the sky. The sun changes from mid-day to early evening. The camera pans back down.

Dib: And that's all I have to say about that.

Zim ponders this for a moment.

Zim: Ehh... okay.

Zim walks back inside his house for a few seconds, and comes back with a suitcase and GIR.

Zim: I can't argue with that, Dib. You've won. I'm giving myself up to the Earth authorities.

Zim turns to GIR.

Zim: It's been nice working with you, GIR! Now, self-destruct.

GIR: Finally! Ehehehehee!

GIR emits a high-pitched noise, and blows up. Zim looks back at Dib once more before walking outside. A police car pulls up infront of Zim, and he steps in. They drive away. Dib smiles and looks at his hands.

Dib: This feeling! The power! It isn't going away! Things really are going to be different for me! At last!

Dib exclaims in victory and strikes an epic pose. The camera fades to the front of Professor Membrane's house, and into the living room, where Prof. Membrane and Gaz are watching television.

T.V. Reporter (O.S.): You've opened the world's eyes to the existence of aliens, Dib!

On T.V., a reporter is standing infront of a large crowd, next to Dib.

T.V. Reporter: Now what?

The T.V. reporter puts his microphone infront of Dib.

Dib: There are many other mysteries still unsolved. I figured, you know, I'll do some of that.

Dib smiles at the camera while the flashes of cameras and microphones surround him.

In a new scene, a news truck approaches what looks like a haunted mansion in a dark forest. Kyle Menke, the camera man, exits the vehicle and joins a large group of news reporters in the building. Dib stands at a podium in front of curtains at the other end of the room. He stands taller, and the spike in his hair extends further, showing us that a number of years has passed.

Dib: Ladies and gentlemen, ghosts!

Dib flies up and grabs the curtains with blue static surrounding his hands. The audience is wide-eyed in anticipation. He rips off the curtain and reveals the ghosts of William Shakespeare, Abraham Lincoln and some man on a broom with a bucket hanging from it.

William Shakespeare: Hey.

Man on broom: How're you doing?

David Spade: Dib rocks!

Britney Spears pushes David Spade aside.

Britney: Oh, I love you, Dib!

We close in on the spike on Dib's head and transition to a scene where it has gotten even longer. More time has passed. Dib stands next to a woman (who somewhat resemlbes an older version of Sailor Mercury from Sailor Moon) in a white jacket and glasses on a dock at a lake.

Dib:... and to prove that the lake's spooky monster is real, this task force has granted me permission to drain the lake.

The metal top of one of the wooden dock pillars opens to reveal a red button. Dib stands back and karate-chops it with his hands, again, with blue static surrounding his hands, splitting the entire pillar in half. Two men sit in a boat in the lake as it quickly sinks, revealing monsters all across the lake floor. The audience, although disturbed, begins to applaud obligatorily. A news reporter with a microphone appears and knocks a woman off of one of the docks to make a report in front of the camera.

Reporter: What's left to be discovered now, Dib?

We close in on Dib again and flash forward in time once again, to a dark room filled with strange equipment, computers and wires. Zim sits alone in the dark with a book in his hands. Various wires are attached to his head and body, one coming out of his right eye socket. Zim weakly opens his one eye as he is sharply illuminated by the door opening on the other side of the room. We see from Zim's POV the door continue to slowly open. Zim is held in some kind of chamber and bubbles surround him. The walls of the dark room are covered with wires.

Zim: Dib!

Zim's tongue also has a wire attached to it. Dib enters with actress Claire Danes holding his arms. He wears goggles and the spike of his hair now reaches below his neck.

Dib: It's been years, Zim.

Zim: Twenty of your years to be precise, enduring these indignities. The only reason I have not tried to escape is because it amuses me.

Dib approaches Zim as he talks. He reads the output of some computer next to Zim.

Dib: Amuses you to what?

Zim: Ah, yes. The invasion.

Dib: I didn't ask you about the invasion.

Zim: Oh, you didn't? Well, you were supposed to. Well, they'll be here. The armada will come and there's nothing you can do about it.

Dib: We'll see, Zim. We'll see.

Cut to a red sky with planes flying across. Pan down to Dib standing at a podium.

Dib: To better study the coming alien menace...

Dib looks up and shoots down an alien ship with his goggles, then continues.

Dib: I am proud to introduce the Dib Institute of Paranormal Studies/School of Paranormal Tolerance/Museum/Snack Bar.

Dib extends his arms to shoot a ray of blue static electricity at a tree, launching it in the air and revealing a snack bat with a man standing behind it. Excited people run over to it, and the tree falls back down and crushes them. Fireworks are shot off as the planes in the sky form "DIB" in skywriting.

Fade to a new scene. A man runs through the halls to a bathroom.

Man: Sir, they're coming!

Pan over to a stall. A toilet flushes, and a long streak of black spiky hair appears over the door of the stall. Cut to a door that reads, "United World Association of Fighting Enemies". Dib demonstrates at a chalkboard in front of a group of soldiers. His voice has lowered and lines have begun to form on his face.

Dib: The Massive: the armada capital ship. The side pods are filled with snacks. It's their weak spot. Alpha, you'll be bringing down the Massive.

Dib points to a diagram of the Massive on the chalkboard with a stick, rings of blue static surrounding it.

Soldier: But, Dib -- sir, who will lead alpha squadron?

CU of Dib. He snaps the stick in half. Cut to the inside of a ship with a transparent panel. Dib is strapped inside. He leads a crew of ships toward the massive, also with a crew of ships. Dib uses his blue static to summon a ship control deck. He accelerates and ships shoot at one another everywhere. Dib flies out of the ship and flies toward the front of it. He lands on the window and Red and Purple eye him inquisitively. He then flies to the top, dodging shots from ships flying around the surface. He jumps to the side of the ship and uses the blue static from his hands to open a hole in the side. Snacks spill out.

Red: Our snacks! It's over! Retreat!

Dib, still outside, jumps on ships and crushes them, then jumps down toward Earth. He lands on a stage in front of a large crowd of people with news stations everywhere. He stands up triumphantly next to a man in a suit holding a trophy as the Massive crashes in a large field behind him, sinking deep into the ground. The crowd cheers as they catch the snacks falling from the sky. The man claps softly and hands Dib the trophy, saluting him. 

Flash forward once more. Dib is on a talk show. He is an old man, and the spike in his hair in now grey, and is  longer as he is tall.

Dib:... And that's how I won the "Greatest Person Ever to Live" award.

Host: You've lived quite a full life, haven't you, Sir Dib?

Dib: Yes, Alan. It was everything I could have hoped for, and more. And I even got to ride a moose.

The crowd tearfully applauds.

Alan (laughs): And who could forget that day? Yes, well, we thank you for sharing your incredible life with us and for allowing the human race to survive.

Dib: Oh, yes. You're welcome.

Alan: And, oh, if I may say, there's one final question that would settle the curiosity of your many fans. Did you throw the muffin at Zim's head?

Dib chuckles.

Dib: Wow, that's going back a long ways. As a matter of fact, I did.

Alan's head is replaced by Zim's.

Zim: Aha!

Every person in the audience now has Zim's head, and they all laugh evilly. Dib sits in a large white room as he returns to his normal age. His mouth is agape. Pan up to a red, spherical room containing Zim. Dib, still sitting in the white room, appears on a screen beside Zim.

Zim: I knew it! I knew it was you!

Dib: What? There aren't shoe aliens?

Zim: Get out.

Dib gets up and walks sadly toward the exit.

Zim: Oh, just one more thing.

Zim pushes a button and a large machine appears above Dib. It aims at him and he shields himself as a blue light flashes in front of him, then suddenly stops. Dib looks up and, after a short pause, is pegged with a muffin. Zim laughs wickedly as Dib staggers toward the exit.

Dib: You stink, Zim.

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