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Door to Door (Transcript)

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TemplateUnderConstructionImage "Some doors, a couple of windows..."
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The camera fades to a doorknob, which pans upwards to the window that leads to Ms. Bitters ' classroom. A luminesent "13" is displayed on the rim of the glass. On the blackboard behind Ms. Bitters is the word "Civics". It covers up the entire board.

Ms. Bitters: Then, add a card to represent the overworked education system.

A child is seen tied to a rope suspended from the ceiling. He shakily drops a playing card on top of a giant house of cards. The camera pans downwards, showing Dib looking up at the tower from his desk.

Ms. Bitters: Now, add the deadweight of students like you.

The child drops a heavy stack of cards onto the tower. It starts to wobble.

Ms. Bitters: So, you can see, children, that our whole society is nothing more than a perilous house of cards...

Dib watches as most of the cards crumble onto his desk.

Ms. Bitters: ... Destined to collapse under its own weight.

Dib's desk creaks, & the desktop breaks off of it's stand. The remaining cards fly in different directions.

Ms. Bitters: Dib! The warranty on your desk has run out.

She points to something behind the camera.

Ms. Bitters: Get a replacement from the pile.

Dib: Yes, m'am.

Dib gets up from his desk & walks toward the back of the classroom. The camera pans to a view of the class room, showing that every kid has random items for desks.

Ms. Bitters: Well, children, as you know, the desk budget for this year has run out. But the skoolboard has given a chance to lessen your misery.

Dib comes back, dragging a dirty garbage can infront of him. He looks into it, & is suddenly attacked by a large rat.

Ms. Bitters: Lights!

The lights turn off, & the blackboard opens. A screen hidden previously hidden behind it turns on, showing an old black & white countdown. The sound of a rat screeching is heard faintly off-screen.

Dib (O.S.): Aagh!

The screen fades into a video featuring a man in a poorly-tailored anthromorphic gangster dog suit. In the background is a cliche alleyway with colorful graffiti on it. The sound of a women screaming & police sirens is heard throughout the video.

Poop Dawg : Word up, kids! This is Poop Dawg, the Poop Cola gangsta clown with a little fund-raiser! Do you wanna go magnet with the monies?

The screen cuts to a bunch of children.

Children: Yay!

Child #1: What does that mean?

The children glance at Child #1 with weird looks. Back in real life, the skoolchildren are watching the video. Melvin leans forward.

Skoolchildren: Hmm?

The camera cuts back to the video, showing Poop Dawg holding up a box of Poop candy.

Poop Dawg: Then jack this box of Poop Cola candy!

He puts down the box & walks up to the screen.

Poop Dawg: It's the great taste of Poop Cola, wrapped in a layer of chocolate badness!

He holds up a bar of Poop Cola candy. The children from before appear again.

Children: Ooh!

The screen cuts to Poop Dawg.

Poop Dawg: Every bar you sell earns money for your skool!

He points at the screen for a moment, & puts it down. The camera cuts to his face, & the sound of a cash register ringing is heard each time he says "prizes".

Poop Dawg: But what's in it for you? Prizes, prizes, prazizes!

The skoolchildren share glances.

Skoolchildren: Hmm.

Poop Dawg: Sell a hundred bars, & you'll win a-- [ADHESIVE MEDICAL STRIPS].

The camera cuts to Zim lowering an eyebrow. A visual list of prizes fly past the screen, accompanied by a dinging sound whenever Poop Dawg mentions one of them. The skoolchildren "ooh" & "aah" occasionally.

Poop Dawg: Sell a thousand, you'll win a crash helmet! Sell ten thousand, you'll win an electro scooter! At five hundred thousand, you'll get a hovercraft, plus the helmet, plus a box of-- [ADHESIVE MEDICAL STRIPS].

The skoolchildren continue to say things like "Oh!" & "Wow!". Dib is also heard with them. Zim turns to the class & clenchs his fist.

Zim: Garbage!

He points to the screen.

Zim: That hovercraft is a joke of engineering, & that helmet would never protect your brain from lasers.

He crosses his arms, & the camera changes to Poop Dawg again.

Poop Dawg: But if you all think you's all somet'in with the top sellies, and—wit--

He stops, & looks down.

Poop Dawg: I can't do this.

Director (O.S.): Cut!

The film cuts to another take.

Poop Dawg: The top prize is something your b-b-brain won't believe!

He does a little stomping motion when he says "brain". Zim watches with narrowed eyes.

Zim: Nonsense.

Poop Dawg: It's so amazing, it's a secret.

Zim dashes infront of the class.

Zim: Secret!?

He climbes onto the table, & points at the camera.

Zim: What are you hiding, dog-man!? Tell me! TELL ME!!!

Poop Dawg: Good luck, my fellow Poop slices!

The screen switches to a warning, showing a person choking & a line going through it.

Warning: Warning. Candy made entirely of saw dust.

Zim: Secret? Yes, of course. But what could it be? What?! What?! I MUST POSSESS THIS SECRET PRIZE!

Ms. Bitters pokes her head in the frame and looks at Zim scornfully, with her teeth bared.

Dib: Ms. Bitters, why don't they take the money they spent on candy and prizes and use it to buy desks?

Ms. Bitters holds Zim up by his shirt collar.

Ms. Bitters: That answer wasn't in the video.

The scene cuts to the next day. The sun is rising, and all the people in the neighborhood are getting up for the day. A paperboy rides down the road tossing papers on people's front lawns. An elderly lady tends to her garden. A guy walks outside holding his coffee and waves to his neighbor who has a running hose in his hand. The scene cuts to a few seconds of the skoolchildren walking up the road holding fundraising supplies with dramatic music beginning to play. The kids charge, and a guy talking to a car driver in the middle of the road notices the approaching crowd.

Chatter: [gasps] Fundraising...ch-children!

The kids charge down the road, lazers shooting everywhere for some reason. The car the chatter was talking to speeds off. People run into their houses trying to avoid the crowds of children. The scene cuts to Zim walking down the road with GIR with chaos still occurring behind him. GIR is wearing a costume resembling a small child. His blue eyes are visible through the mouth of the costume.

Zim: Then that horrible man-dog hybrid taunted us by not revealing the secret prize! It must be something of unimaginable power, GIR.

They walk past Dib, who is drinking a Poop Juice Box and holding an empty box of candy bars.

Dib: [Holding up the empty box] Hey, Zim! I sold a whole box at my dad's lab! Beat that!

Zim: So, you're trying to beat me to the prize, is that it? [Opens his box of candy and picks up a bar] Just more proof of its strategic value.

Dib sneaks up behind him and grabs the candy from Zim's hand.

Dib: The only reason I'm selling this dirt in a wrapper is to watch you fail at something else, Zim! [He laughs]

Zim looks down at his full box of candy. Dib sips his juice box, then quickly makes a loud noise to scare Zim, thrusting the juice all over him and making him drop his box of candy. Dib laughs and walks off, but not before having a second laugh at GIR's horrible disguise.

Zim: I can sell these horrible candies better than any human! Just watch!

Dib runs off holding his candy bar box on his shoulder.

GIR: Why is his head so big? Whyyyyy is his head so big?

Zim: [Getting up] Just follow my lead!

Zim marches up to the first door and knocks. The elderly woman looks through the peephole and sees Zim holding the candy bar up to it. Skeptical, she grabs a baseball bat and opens the inner door.

Zim: [Pleading] Please, Ma'am! If you don't buy my candy, my little brother will go insane!

Zim points to GIR, who is spinning in circles on top of a box of candy. GIR does a headstand and breakdances. The woman opens the outer door in preparation to whack Zim, but suddenly, GIR's body flies off his head! The woman screams.

Elderly Woman: Good heavens! He's worse then I thought! [Putting down the bat] Please, of course I'll buy some candy!

GIR's body falls from the sky. The woman grabs some money from her pocket, tosses it in Zim's candy box, and takes a candy bar. Zim looks down in the box, then back at the woman. She opens the bar and starts eating it.

Elderly Woman: Mmm!

She suddenly begins choking. Sawdust flies out of her mouth and she coughs and falls to her knees.

Zim: Mmhmm, that's the sawdust.

The woman continues coughing up sawdust, which lands on a pile on GIR's headless body. GIR's body gets up on its own, startling the woman. She opens her door slightly, kicks GIR away, and runs into her house. GIR's body runs up the door and begins knocking on it. Zim looks down at the money in his candy box.

Zim: [Holding up the money] Hmm, she only bought one of these horrible things. You'll just have to try harder, GIR!

Zim picks up GIR's headless body and tosses it into a wheelbarrow full of dirt. He then picks up the candy box and tosses it in as well. GIR's head resides in the box. Zim wheels it away as the torches in front of the house light up and the camera pans upwards to the sun.

The scene cuts to the next door. GIR throws eggs on the ground as he walks. The eggs fry on contact. Zim knocks on the door, and a middle-aged woman holding a baby answers. She is fanning herself with the baby because of the intense heat. When she looks down at Zim, she screams and drops the baby, which bounces back up on its own. The woman slams the door shut. Zim is confused, but when he turns around, he sees Madness the Chihuahua; the real reason the woman got scared. The dog eats one of the fried eggs on the ground. Zim and GIR scream, throw everything they have up in the air, and run away, waving their arms frantically. The dog licks its lips.

The scene cuts once again, and a montage of Zim attempting to sell candy plays. First, an adult man is screaming due to the "grass angels" that GIR has made in his yard. Next, when Zim tries to sell candy to the guy with the hose, the guy aims the water right at Zim, pushing him up against a trash can and soaking him. GIR stands behind the trash can holding the candy, and is protected from the water. The scene cuts to Zim struggling to walk down the sidewalk, holding a full box of candy. He eventually trips, and the box falls on top of him. GIR jumps into the box and begins devouring the candy like a maniac as the camera spins round and round.

We now see Zim sitting on the edge of the sidewalk. The box of candy sits next to him, and GIR is still sitting in the box, eating the candy. GIR coughs up some sawdust, but continues eating.

Zim: I don't understand! Today has been a horrible failure. [Turns to GIR] GIR, DON'T EAT THAT FILTH!

GIR stops eating, and coughs up a little sawdust. Zim picks yup a candy bar.

Zim: It is the key to the mystery of the prize.

GIR: [Airy] The mystery of the priiiiize...

As GIR says the word "prize", some brown liquid comes out of his mouth. Zim hold up a candy bar to the sun. The candy melts a little bit.

Zim: Uuugh...this miserable Earth sun...even Ceres Minor didn't orbit such a horrible star. [Looking directly at the sun] SO HOT!

The area begins to become slightly red-shifted as Zim begins to hallucinate. A familiar figure appears at the end of the street. It inches closer to Zim.

Poop Dawg: [Spooky voice] Zim...ZIM...I have come for you...

Zim: [Confused and worried] Eh? What is this?

The cloaked figures appears in front of Zim.

Zim: [Pointing] Who are you?

Poop Dawg: [Inching closer] I am-

Zim: [Pointing] Who are you?

Poop Dawg: [Inching closer] I am-

Zim: [Pointing] WHO ARE YOU?

Poop Dawg: I am Poop Dawg! The Gangsta' Spectre o' D'feat in fact! And you will NEVER win the mystery prize, fool! Wahahahahaha!

Zim: WHAT IS THIS MIRACULOUS PRIZE THING? [Walks up and shakes Poop Dawg, who towers over him]

Poop Dawg: I 'aint tellin', yo!

Zim: Does it defy the laws of time and space? Can it alter the mind of sentient beings? IS IT THE KEY TO CONTROLLING ALL MANKIND?

Poop Dawg shakes Zim off, launching him against the nearby fence.

Poop Dawg: The prize will never be yours, Zim! So say the Gangsta' Spectre o' D'feat!

Zim: I will not give up...Poop Dawg! NEVER! [Shakes his fist]

Poop Dawg: Ahahahahaha, yo. AHAHAHAHAHA!

Zim picks up GIR and hurls him at his hallucination of Poop Dawg. He ends up hitting Dib, who was the one actually standing there.

Dib: Uwaaugh! Jeez, Zim! I haven't even done anything to you yet! [Clutches his stomach, where GIR hit him]

Zim: [Still hallucinating] Get out of here, Gangsta' o' D'feat! Begone with you!

Dib: [Brushing himself off] Man, Zim. Defeat's made you crazy.

Zim motions for him to leave. As Dib walks away, Zim's hallucination ends. Zim makes a face of sudden realization.

Zim: Of course. That has been my mistake all along. I've been trying to sell like a miserable HUMAN! GIR!

GIR spits a little bit of the candy he is eating into Zims face by accident as he snaps into duty mode. His eyes turn red.

GIR: YES MY LORD!

GIR quickly snaps out of duty mode.

Zim: [Wiping the candy off his face] I will use inferior human fundraising techniques no longer!

GIR takes off the hood of his costume and blows a red balloon with an Irken symbol on it from his single antennae.

Zim: Now watch as I unleash the full power of Irken persuasion! [Grabs the balloon]

GIR: YAAAAAAAY I'M GONNA BE SICK!

GIR throws up all the candy he ate right in front of Zim. Zim cringes, but holds up his balloon proud. The camera pans up to the balloon.

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