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FBI Warning of Doom (Transcript)

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FBI Warning of Doom


GIR sits on the couch (out of disguise) watching Intestines of War. In the movie, a soldier clutches his stomach and falls to his knees.


Soldier: Ah, my intestines!


GIR laughs. The phone rings. GIR picks up the phone. Rob Hummel, a Video Outhouse employee, is on the other line.


Rob Hummel: Hey man, it's been 4 weeks since you rented Intestines of War!


Rob pounds his fist on the counter.


Rob Hummel: It's 20 days overdue! Hello? Hello!?!


GIR: Who is it!?!


GIR hangs up the phone. The credits for Intestines of War play:


THE CAST

THE GENERAL - RESS STEVEL

SARGE - STEVE RESSEL

PRIVATE POOP - HIMSELF

NURSE - J. DUFFI

PRIVATE HACK - KRIZ GRAF

COLONEL COLON - ION

THE PRESIDENT - HED CHEEZ

CAPTAIN - DOOK GURGE


GIR picks up the remote and presses a button. Zim walks into the living room from the kitchen and frowns at GIR from the entranceway.


Zim (impersonating GIR): I gonna watch it again!


The TV shows static. GIR sticks his tongue out, making a squeak noise. Zim squints his eyes.


GIR: I gonna watch it again!


Zim walks over to the couch.


Zim: This is the 100th time, GIR. You have to stop watching this thing or- OH WHAT IS THAT!


The TV shows the FBI Warning at the beginning of the movie. The warning reads as follows:


FBI WARNING
WARNING OF DOOM! Federal law provides severe civil and criminal penalties for the unauthorized reproduction, distribution, exhibition of copyrighted motion pictures in any medium (Title 17, United States Code, Section 501 and 500). The Federal Bureau of investigation investigates allegations of criminal copyright infringement. They will hunt you down like the dirty monkey you are and force you to wear a moose skin and ride a greased piggy while singing folk tunes. They're forcing me to ride the piggy
as I write this. The piggy is smelly!!
Show 11B
PRINTED IN USA Zimpact Inc. All Rights Reserved


Zim: A warning!?! Oh no! Oh no! FBI!?! Who is this FBI!?! What are they trying to warn us about!?!


GIR: Shhhhh!


Zim grunts and howls like a monkey as he runs into the kitchen. The theme music for Intestines of War starts playing. The phone rings. GIR answers it.


Employee: Return that movie!


GIR: You got any of them taquitos?


Cut to Zim's underground lab. Zim sits in his chair at the computer.


Zim: Computer! Give me all the information you have on the FBI!


Computer: The FBI is a government law enforcement agency.


Zim: Continue.


Computer: Insufficient data.


Zim: Insufficient data!?! Can't you just make an educated guess!?!


The computer screen shows an FBI agent stepping on the head of a man who is on the ground with his hands in handcuffs while another agent gives a thumbs up.


Computer: Okaaaay... Uh...


The computer screen changes to show two FBI agents flying through the air holding what looks like cell phones.


Computer: Founded in 1492 by... uh...


The computer screen changes to show some demons.


Computer: ...demons, the FBI is a crack law enforcement agency-


The computer screen changes to show two FBI agents breaking into a house, armed with corn on the cob.


Computer: -designed to... uh... I dunno... Fight aliens?


The computer screen changes to show an agent punching an alien and holding his badge while another is kicking an alien and giving a noogie to another alien.


Zim: I knew it! This is bad! This is so bad!


GIR squeals as he opens a bag of Poop Corn and pulls out a handful of uncooked kernels. He giggles and puts the kernels in his mouth. He then proceeds to chew them. Zim scampers up to GIR.


Zim: GIR! That movie is some kind of government spying tool! Quickly! Eat it!


The phone rings. Zim pulls out a voice changing device and presses a button several times as the phone continues to ring. He holds the device up to his throat and presses the button, shinning a red light from the device onto his throat.


Zim: Hello?


Zim holds the device up to his throat again and presses the button.


Zim (deeper voice): Hello?


Zim holds the device up to his throat again and presses the button.


Zim (even deeper voice): Hello? Good, okay.


Zim picks up the phone.


Zim (with deep voice): Hello? How may I help you today?


Rob Hummel: I'm through playin' around! You better return that video or else! This is your final warning!


Zim (with deep voice): I'm sorry, I do not know what you are talking about. I am normal.


Rob Hummel: If that thing isn't in the drop off box by the time we open tomorrow, you're gonna payyy..... late fees!


'Late fees' is echoed. Rob hangs up the phone. A small girl is standing at the counter holding a DVD.


Mary: I wanna rent this one!


The girl holds up the DVD and smiles, making a squeaky noise.


Rob Hummel: Why? So you can keep it for weeks and weeks and not return it!?! What about all the other people who wanna watch it!?! You ever think about them!?! Huh!?! Huh!?!


The girl starts crying. Cut back to Zim's house. GIR chews on Poop Corn kernels. Zim hangs up the telephone and holds the voice changing device up to his neck.


Zim (voice back to normal): That was them! I have to return this thing now!


Zim begins walking up to the TV.


GIR: No! I'm still watching it! I wanna see what happens! I need it!


GIR knocks his bag of Poop Corn off of the couch and starts crying. Zim stops the movie and presses eject.


GIR: Whu... Why!?!


Zim takes the DVD of the movie and walks out the door with it. GIR runs around in circles screaming and crying. He stops running and hops in place. He holds his head and screams a long high pitched scream and then falls to the floor, asleep and snoring. Zim walks up to the mall. It is night. Zim pulls a pair of goggles over his eyes, but other than that he is out of disguise. He walks up to the front door and tries to open it, but it won't budge.


Zim: They've locked down their fortress... with locks! Okay, nothing I can't handle. I'm returning this stupid movie no matter how hard they try to keep me out!


Four robotic spider legs emerge from Zim's Irken Utility Pack and becoming welding tools, creating an opening big enough for Zim to walk through. The robotic spider legs retract into Zim's Irken Utility Pack. Zim walks into the mall. In the main security room, Zim appears walking into the mall on one of the many television screens covering the walls. Slab Rankle, chief security, stands in the center of the room monitoring the security screens. He keeps his left eye shut at all times.


Slab: Rest easy, various retail outlets. Sergeant Slab Rankle is on the job!


Slab Rankle walks up to the security screen displaying the Delicious Weenie restaurant and puts his hand on it.


Slab: Sleep tight, Delicious Weenie! Your seedy buns will go unharmed this night!


Slab rubs the security screen that shows the Video Outhouse.


Slab: Ah, the Video Outhouse! Slumber well, sweet Video Outhouse, with your video treasures nestled deep within your vulnerable belly. Slab's on the job!


Slab stands proud and makes a squeaky noise. Slab gasps as one of the security screens blinks.


Slab: What's this!?!


Slab examines the security screen and sees Zim creeping through the mall, hugging himself against the wall. He darts behind a mall location map, then peeks his head out from behind it. He then examines the map to see where the Video Outhouse is.


Zim: Let's see... Video Outhouse, Video Outhouse... Fourth floor, D405...


The intercom in the mall turns on, making high pitched feedback.


Zim: Ah! They know I'm here!


Slab speaks to Zim through the intercom.


Slab: The mall is closed! You are in direct violation of code 4 slash 7 2! Prepare to face my wrath!


Zim: Who are you!?!


Slab: Sergeant Slab Rankle, serial number F305769 and you are in direct violation!


Zim: I violate nothing! I've come to return this video disk and there's nothing that your precious FBI can do to stop me!


Slab: The FBI!


Slab laughs.


Slab: Nothing but amateurs! No, my friend, I'm afraid your tangling with someone far worse than the FBI. You just crossed... mall security!


Zim: Security? You're not the FBI? Huh. I worried for nothing. This is just a typical Earth store. I've let my fears get the best of me. Heh heh heh, I'm very funny.


Spot lights activate around the mall. One shines down on Zim. Zim runs screaming.


Slab: The game begins.


A panel emerges on Slab Rankle's security control panel with a button labeled 'defenses.' Slab holds his hand over the button. Zim runs down the mall hallway and turns a corner. He sees the Video Outhouse up ahead.


Zim: There!


Zim sees the video drop-off box.


Zim: Simple! This little stink man will not get in my way!


As Zim runs towards the Video Outhouse, Slab presses the defenses button. As Zim runs past the Bank, the sign that says 'Bank' detaches and comes crashing down. Zim summersaults to narrowly avoid getting crushed under the sign. Zim gasps. Lasers shoot out from where the 'bank' sign was. The sign for a small cart called 'MUGs' falls off revealing three bright lights. A wheel extends from the cart and lifts it off the ground as the cart's roof unfolds. Two more tires extend from the sides and create a laser in between them. Lasers extend around the entrance of the Delicious Weenie. A pillar in the mall opens up and shoots lasers out of it. A protective casing covers the entrance to the FrisbeeB's store. A small tree tilts to the side and another pillar opens up and shoots lasers. The entrance to another store is protected by lasers and a small clump of bushes flips over and several devices extend from it. Several more stores get protected by lasers including the Video Outhouse. Another pillar turns into a laser device.


Zim: Huh? Ah!


Suddenly, the top of a small tree near Zim bursts and create a huge wall of lasers blocking Zim from the half of the mall behind him.


Zim: Ah!


Many laser cannons emerge from the floor in a row. The shoot out laser beams one at a time and Zim backs away from them as they get closer to hitting him. Zim starts running. A new laser beam appears behind Zim every second. As he runs by some rods sticking out of the ground, the lasers cut through them. Zim's mechanical spider legs extend giving Zim more speed. Zim runs up towards the transformed MUGs cart. It fires lasers at Zim. Zim leaps into the air, but the MUGs Cart's lasers cut through Zim's mechanical spider legs. Zim flies through the air and rolls across the floor as the last of the laser beams appear behind him. Zim gets up and sees that the Video Outhouse is right in front of him. Behind Zim, a fish water fountain stops spurting water from its mouth. Zim glances at it and hears a beeping sound. Zim hears a different beeping sound and glances in another direction. A large slug that serves as a mall bench sits in front of a store, making the other beeping sound. Zim hears another beeping sound and turns around to see a pig dressed in western clothes in front of a Cowboy Cousine restaurant for decoration. Zim glances around and sees that the three fake animals create a triangle around him. Zim makes a run for it and runs towards the Video Outhouse. A grappling hook launches out of the fish's mouth. Another grappling hook shoots out of the slug's mouth. Two more grappling hooks launch from the pig's nostrils. The grappling hook from the fish attaches to one of Zim's ankles while the grappling hook from the slug attaches to his other ankle. The two grappling hooks from the pig attach to Zim's wrists, causing him to drop the Intestines of War disk onto the ground. The grappling hooks suspend Zim off the ground. Slab walks towards Zim from out of the Video Outhouse.


Zim: Release me! Release me or suffer the wrath of Zim!


Slab picks up the Intestines of War disk.


Slab: We meet at last, young trespasser!


Zim struggles to escape.


Slab: Quiet! There'll be time for you to grovel later!


Slab paces back and forth.


Slab: Tell me something, do you understand the concept of business hours? Do you? Well? DO YOU!?!


Slab pokes Zim's face.


Slab: We have rules for a reason, boy! Without them, there is only chaos, and chaos is, oooh, I don't even want to think of it.


Zim: Could you drop that disk in the slot behind you and let me go with a warning?


Slab: I'm afraid not, this is evidence.


Slab lifts up the disk. He rubs the disk on his face.


Slab: And as for letting you go, NO!


Slab pulls out a remote control. He presses a button and the floor tile underneath Zim opens up as a trap door. The grappling hooks let go of Zim and he falls into the trap. Slab presses a button and the tile closes.


Slab (impersonating the president): Good job Slab Rankle, your country commends you!


Slab switches side so he can pretend he is talking to the president.


Slab: Thank you, Mister President!


The grappling hooks retract into their animals. Zim screams as he falls down a chute into a prison cell. He grunts as he hits the floor. There are seven other prisoners in the cell. One of them is the scary monkey, who grunts and scratches his head. One of the prisoners, a black teen, turns around and sees Zim.


Teen prisoner: Whoa! Oh man! An alien! An alien!


Zim glances around nervously.


Zim: Huh?


Zim turns around and puts on his wig. When he turns back to face the other prisoners, his goggles are gone and he is wearing his contacts.


Teen prisoner: False alarm.


Sgt. Shriver steps forward.


Sgt. Shriver: Rankle got you too, uh? Welcome to our little club... of doom!


Zim: Who are you people?


Sgt. Shriver: We've all got our reasons for being here; shoplifting, loitering, singing...


The Sgt. Shriver motions towards a middle aged man wearing glasses.


Glasses wearing prisoner: I said I was sorry, what can I do? I got the music in my soul!


Sgt. Shriver: He caught me sleeping during my shift. When you break the rules, Rankle sends you here. Every couple a days, he takes someone away. They never come back... Some say he just lets 'em go. Me? I say he takes them and turn 'em into horrible zombie soldiers in that new zombie lab they just put in out back.


Teen prisoner: But I don't wanna be a zombie soldier...


Zim: Has anyone ever escaped?


Sgt. Shriver: The only guy who ever escaped, never made it out.


Zim: Heh?


Sgt. Shriver: Mmmyep.


Zim glances up at the hole in the ceiling that he fell in through.


Zim: There is hope! With the proper guidance, anything is possible and I'm telling you right now, you can get out of this cell if you only believed that you can, then you can! Trust me! Rise my fellow prisoners!


The prisoners look up hopefully.


Zim: Rise up and use your revolting limbs to escape this prison!


The Sgt. Shriver walks over to where the hole in the ceiling is, followed by a Mc Meaties employee.


Zim: That's it! Yes! Climb on top of each other and form a stairway!


The Sgt. Shriver and the Mc Meaties prisoner get down on all fours. The teen prisoner starts climbing on top of them. Other prisoners walks towards them.


Zim: A stairway of hope and cooperation! It's time to run free through your hideous streets once more! If we work together, we can get out of here! Who's with me!


All of the prisoners have formed a stairway, with the scary monkey on top. The prisoners cheer and the scary monkey howls. Cut to the security room. Slab sits in a chair in the center of the room.


Slab: And don't worry, Lemonade on a Stick stand! Your brave protector Slab Rankle will remain ever vigilant!


The Intestines of War disk sits on the chair next to Slab. Cut back to the prison cell.


Sgt. Shriver: We're doin' it! We're doin' it!


Zim: Yes! Onward to freedom!


Zim climbs up the prisoners.


Zim: You see what can be accomplished if you just work together!


Zim climbs onto the scary monkey and jumps off of him into the hole.


Sgt. Shriver: Hello?


The sound of Zim moving through the pipes is heard.


Sgt. Shriver: Hellooo?


The sound of something closing is heard. Zim lifts the floor tile that he fell through earlier and peeks his head out. A small camera tree surveys the area. It passes by Zim peeking through the tile and then goes back to double check, but the tile is back in place and Zim is gone. The camera tree rotates to face another direction. Zim pops back out of the tile and carefully shuts it behind him. He looks over at a staircase that leads to the security room, but a laser beam protects each step. Zim glance behind him and sees the Cowboy Cuisine pig, smiles, and then runs to the stairway. He leaps onto an arrow sign that says 'security' that is right in front of the door. Zim starts waving to the pig.


Zim: Hey! Over here!


Zim starts making noises. The pig's targeting systems aim for Zim. It makes a squealing sound then launches a grappling hook. Zim jumps out of the way and the grappling hook goes through the sign and all the way to the top of the staircase where it latches onto the door to the security room, giving Zim a safe runway to reach the door. Zim runs along the thick wire of the grappling hook. In Slab's security room, Slab looks at a security screen showing the House of Lard.


Slab: Do not fear, lard house. I'll keep your many enemies at bay!


Slab sits back down in his chair.


Slab: And you-


Slab opens his left eye revealing that his pupil is a little smiley face when Slab discovers that the Intestines of War disk is missing.


Slab: Huh? What!?!


Slab looks over the edge of the chair for the disk. Slab looks over towards the security door and sees that it is open a jar. The is some debris on the floor that leads to a broken generator. The generator creates sparks and smoke. Slab looks at it with his mouth hanging open. He looks back at the security screens that cover the walls. They stop showing security camera views and instead spell the words 'LASER GUARD SHUTDOWN.' Slab starts sweating.


Slab: It's not that easy, my friend. Slab Rankle is not that easy to pull one over and defeat. Slab... and Rankle, and, and... Slab, and... Time for zombies!


Zim runs down the mall hallways holding the disk. The stops right in front of the Video Outhouse and looks behind him. A zombie rises out of the trashcan. Another bursts out of a hidden compartment in the wall hidden by a poster that shows the mutant from Door to Door holding hands with a child with the words 'SUPPORT FRIENDSHIP.' Rows of zombies go down the escalator. More zombies are dumped onto the ground through a large tube.


Zim: Zombies!?!


They approach Zim. Zim hyperventilates as they close in. Zim stands still, too scared to move. A few zombies fall backwards. Some run into each other. One falls backwards into the fish water fountain. Zim wiggles his tongue at the zombies. The zombies don't seem to really notice him. Zim walks past them towards the Video Outhouse. A zombie dressed in torn security cloths stands in Zim's way, but that zombie just falls backwards. Zim walks on top of that zombie. The zombie tries to grab Zim when Zim is standing on its chest, but Zim jumps off of it before it can. Zim walks over to the video drop off box and slips the disk for Intestines of War into it.


Zim: Nothing can stop Zim! Nothing! Not even this filthy army of zombies!


Slab pushes his way through the crowd of zombies and walks towards Zim, grunting as he pushes a zombie out of the way.


Slab: Look out.


Slab pushes another zombie out of the way and grunts as he pushes away more. Zim cowers.


Slab: Wait! Stop!


Slab walks up and stands in front of Zim.


Slab: It appears I have met my match. You have bested my zombie soldiers and are a worthy opponent. You have my congratulations- Nay! You have my admiration!


Slab salutes Zim.


Zim: Heh?


Slab: Don't you see? If the two of us combine forces, nothing could stop us!


Slab gets down on one knee and holds out a hand.


Slab: Join me! Together, we will rule the mall!


Slab takes a dramatic pose.


Zim: Uh, no, that's okay.


Zim marches off. When he walks out the exit, a zombie leaning against the wall next to the door sticks her arm out. The door shuts on the zombie's arm. Slab stands backwards on the escalator.


Slab: I guess it's my lonely duty to stand guard. Sleep tight, sweet mall. Everything's okay. I'm here, baby.


Slab reaches the top of the escalator and falls backwards.


Slab: I'm here.

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