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GIR Goes Crazy and Stuff (Transcript)

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GIR Goes Crazy And Stuff

[it is dusk at a cow-filled field in front of a farmhouse and barn. There are cows grazing and mooing. They look up suddenly as a shadow zooms above them, stopping above one cow. The Voot Cruiser hovers above the cow. The Voot Cruiser lowers a little. A hatch opens and emits a tractor beam that envelopes one of the cows. who looks up. Several cows back away as the cow is lifted upwards along with blades of grass and leaves. A silhouette of GIR is seen in the open hatch, with only his eyes visible. He jumps down the tractor beam attached to a bungee cord, coming to a stop right in front of where the cow is hovering. He turns to face the cow and waves]

GIR: HI, COWW!!!

[GIR's head slides open and he pulls out a sombrero. He puts it on the cow's head, turns around and starts shaking his rear as a high-pitched version of the carne theme at the end of Walk of Doom plays in the background]

Zim: [from inside the Voot Cruiser] GIR! Get in here!

GIR: [waves] Bye, cow!

[he is yanked back up again on the bungee cord. The tractor beam disappears, and the cow falls down, mooing. Cut to inside the Voot Cruiser. Zim is at the controls, as GIR rises on a platform behind him. The seat of the Voot Cruiser slides away so GIR is visible in the back of the ship and the hatch closes behind GIR]

Zim: No playing with the dirty cow monsters, GIR! This is serious work we do!

GIR: Oooooh… [pops up next to Zim]

Zim: We’ll switch. You man the tractor beam, I’ll pump the cows full of human sewage.

[GIR leans in closer to Zim]

GIR: [whispering] Cows are my frieeeeends…

Zim: …I don’t like you. The controls, GIR.

GIR: [waves arms] WHEEEEOO!!

[GIR mans the control panel and presses buttons. Zim straps a green canister onto his back with a note on the back saying ‘Caution: Dooky!’. He arms himself with a projectile device hooked up to the canister and puts on his goggles. The inner covering to the hatch disappears and Zim lowers down the tractor beam]

Zim: As soon as I’ve tainted the humans meat supply with filth, they will be ripe for conquest. Soon the name of Invader Zim will be synonymous with DOOKIE!! GIR! Bring me cooow…



GIR[switches to duty mode and salutes] Yes, sir! [switches back to normal mode] I like dooky!



Zim: Sometimes I’m afraid to find out what’s going on in [cut to GIR's point of view. Zim's voice is metallic and robot-like, and the screen is surrounded by a view screen] that insane head of yours…

[in GIR's POV, the cows morph into weenies with top hats and dinner jackets and start dancing]

Dapper Weenies: Dance with us, GIR! Dance with us into oblivion!

GIR smiles and presses a button on the control panel. A pink, waving tractor beam comes out of another hatch in the Voot Cruiser. It picks up a cow, and sends it flying into the air, moo-screaming.

Zim: GIR! What are you doing?!

GIR: WEENIES!! WEENIEEES! Play with the weenies, da da na na naaa…

GIR presses random buttons with his tongue sticking out and his eyes shut. The tractor beam picks up another cow, and holds it in the air for a while, before sending it flying into the barn. A light goes on in the farmhouse next to the barn.

Zim: Stop! You’ll blow our ingenious cover!

[the tractor beam raises a cow into the air, coming dangerously close to where Zim is hovering. Zim turns and attempts to return to the Voot Cruiser but the tractor beam swings the cow up and slams it into Zim, smashing him against the bottom of the Voot Cruiser and sending dooky flying everywhere. Cut to Zim and GIR in the Voot Cruiser. Zim is covered in human sewage with GIR next to him humming, occasionally bursting out in giggles. There is the sound of flies buzzing in the background. Cut to Zim's base. The satellite dish unfolds and the top of the house opens up to let the Voot Cruiser in. Cut to an underground area of Zim's lab. The walls are covered in small, round objects covering the walls and attached by crossing lines - hologram projectors. Zim and Gir are walking towards the center of the room]

Zim: It’s time we did something about your behavioral glitches, GIR.

[a small platform rises from the ground, and Zim starts working the controls]

GIR: Doo dee doo dee dooooo... WAFFLES!!

[Zim pulls a small handheld device out of the platform]

Zim: I’m going to attempt to lock you into Duty Mode with this behavioral modulator.

[GIR's head rotates on his neck. GIR giggles]

Zim: What?

GIR: …Doody.

[Zim turns back to the platform and presses another button. The hologram projectors activate, and the base transforms into a scene outside. A hologram of Dib wavers and appears, holding a large spiked club]

Dib Hologram: I will make YOUUU suffer LARGE, alien!

Zim: GIR! Attack!

[GIR goes into Duty Mode and salutes]

GIR: Yes, sir!

[Zim turns the knob on the behavioral modulator up a notch. The camera switches to GIR's POV. The words ‘Target: Big-headed boy - Destroy’ appear on the screen next to Dibs head. GIR runs toward him, and the words ‘Target acquired’ appear next to Dib's head. However, GIR's view veers off at the last minute and focuses on an empty can of Poop Cola. The words ‘Target: Poop can’ appear on the screen next to the empty can. Switch out of GIR's POV. GIR switches into normal mode and runs toward the empty can as the hologram Dib swings the club and misses. GIR picks up the can and starts bashing it against his head while giggling. GIR puts the can in his mouth]

Zim: No more distractions, GIR! Attack the human!

[Zim pulls out the behavioral modulator and turns the knob up a few notches]

Zim: ...this time on a dangerously HIGH setting!

[GIR turns around and spits out the can, going into Duty Mode and saluting]

GIR: Yes, sir!

[GIR runs toward Dib in an action shot. He jumps, and lands a few feet away from Dib. He moves his hands in front of him in a karate-like style. He stands up straight, and he goes back to normal mode]

GIR: Doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee dooooo!

Zim: Attack!

[Zim turns the behavioral modulator up a notch. GIR goes into Duty-Mode and salutes]

GIR: Yes, sir!

[Zim turns the behavioral modulator up yet another notch]

GIR: [in a more malicious tone] Doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee-

[GIR stops, and his eyes glow. He turns to Zim, salutes, and stares at Dib. Switch to GIR's POV. The words "TARGET: BIG HEAD BOY" and "HOLOGRAM" come up on screen. The words "NO THREAT" flash repeatedly on the screen]

GIR: Sir, target is a hologram and therefore not a threat to our mission!

Zim: And what IS our mission, GIR?

GIR: Blend in with the indigenous life, analyze their weaknesses, prepare the planet for the coming badness! [puts hand behind back] Yay.

Zim: Yes, yes…Yes! With you fully functional and by my side, we shall rule this world sooner than without you by my side…not being funny… ahh, let’s get outta here.

[the hologram background disappears, and the room is now visible again. Zim heads for the door. GIR stares after him with his eyes narrowed. His eye twitches]

[cut to the living room. GIR and Zim walk in from the kitchen. There is a police siren in the background]

Zim: You are now the evil henchman I so rightly deserved all along, GIR. An assistant worthy of me. I AM ZIM!!!! Now, with your amazing new programming, investigate that sound!

GIR: Sir, it is merely a police siren-

Zim: Do as I say!

GIR: Yes, sir!

[GIR runs towards the door]

GIR: Opening door!

GIR rips the door off of the hinges.

GIR: Running! Runninggg!

[GIR runs out of the house. A few seconds later, a police car crashes through the front of the house and lands in the living room. The siren sounds once more and then is silent. GIR's fist smashes through the windshield, and he throws out the policeman, tied up in the seatbelt]

Zim: GIR! What have you done? This isn’t information retrieval! Are you insane?!

[the police officer grunts. GIR now stands on the hood of the car]

GIR: I have captured the enemy for meat testing! Praise me! PRAISE ME!!!

[the police officer stirs and groans]

Officer: All my bones… jammed up into my neck!

[the police officer opens his eyes and sees GIR and Zim]

Officer: Huh…? Aliens?!

Zim: Great. Now I have to wipe his brain to make him forget all he's seeeeen!

[Zim reaches down to grab the officer. Cut to the inside of Zim's lab. Zim and GIR are standing over the policeman who is strapped to an operating table with two tubes attached to his head. Zim is elevated on his spider legs. Zim sighs]

Zim: This memory transplant will take hours! I planned on spending this afternoon experimenting on the happiness centers of that Earth child’s brain…

[A little boy with a shirt that says 'Nick' is inside a containment tube. He has a huge plastered-on grin]

Nick: I’m so happy! All the time! Just great!

[the officer gasps and lifts his head. He flips open his wallet, and a roll of pictures comes out. The first is of a house with a police car in front, the second is of the policeman hugging Samichy and a girl, grinning, the third is of another daughter wearing a police helmet and standing in front of a police lineup, the fourth is of a huge attack dog with a muzzle and a fuzzy cat next to a kennel with ‘Fido’ written on it, and the fifth is of a toilet]

Officer: Please! I have a house, and children, and pets, and a toilet…and.. toilet children…

Zim: Make silence now, human!

Zim sticks a tube into the officer's mouth and begins pushing it down his throat.

GIR: With all due respect, you must know the SIR Unit code enables free will in the event that the mission is threatened. This Police human was a threat.

Zim: You dare tell ME what I already know?!

GIR: Didja know that?

Zim: Of course I…nngh… your legs are stupid!!

Zim walks with his spider legs over to a containment tube with a squid in it and drains it. takes a squid out of it. A compartment of the tube opens and Zim removes the squid from it. Zim carries the squid over to the officer. GIR looks at Zim. Switch to GIR's POV.

Zim: Go upstairs and…um, monitor Earth broadcasts until I think of something better for you to do! That’s a good GIR…

The words ‘Zim' appear next to Zim's head and 'human' appears next to the officer. They disappear and the words ‘Analysing Intelligence: Questionable’ appear. They disappear, and the words ‘Order: Counter-productive’ appear. They disappear, and the words ‘Zim = Commander?’ appear. GIR's eyes glow, and his eye twitches.

Zim: GIR?

GIR: Right away…S-Sir…

GIR leaves. Zim puts the squid down on a small table like structure, and a lid snaps over it. The officer looks at the squid in fear. Cut to the living room. GIR is watching TV with his eyes narrowed. Other smaller TVs are attached to the main one.

GIR: Observing… observing… observing…!

Various stupid shows play on the screen. The Krazy Taco song can be heard as well.

Mr. Elliot (playing a waiter on a TV commercial): Do you suffer from intestinal itching?

A man raises his hand.

Man: I do!

GIR: Television is stupid. The master is not utilizing me properly! I will show my ‘Master’ how information collecting is done!

GIR turns and looks out the window. Switch to GIR's POV. He uses the same guidance technology used in Walk of Doom to locate buildings in the city. He finds three buildings. Two of them have the word ‘Negative’ above them. The last one, a library, has the words ‘Target Acquired’ above it.

GIR: An information center... Excellent.

GIR hops off of the couch and runs into the kitchen. He runs back with a large data canister strapped to his back. He exits through the doorway, which is still missing the door from when he ripped it off earlier. The police car is still in the living room as well. Cut to the library. It is very futuristic looking and advanced. A teenager with a hideous overbite puts some discs down on the counter. A scanner shines a red light in his eyes.

Robot Scanner: Retinal Scan...

A red spotlight appears over the teenager from above

Robot Scanner: Rejected!

A circular device hovers around the boy's feet. It rises up and creates a red barrier around him. He glances around nervously.

Librarian: I’m sorry, you have two discs overdue. We'll have to confiscate your retinas!

The librarian giggles. There is a loud smashing sound, and huge dents appear in the metal library door. The doors are flung away and GIR emerges as a silhouette, with only his eyes and the data canister visible, floating in the air. Whip-like wires extend from the top of the canister, flailing about wildly, and electricity sparks madly at the very top of the canister.

GIR: I require access to all human knowledge!!

Librarian: Hm… hmmm…

The librarian grips her head and groans.

Librarian: That would be under reference!

GIR: Not acceptable, Library-drone!

The wires shoot forward, and the librarian ducks, screaming, as they head toward her. Cut to the lab. Zim (in human disguise) is standing above the officer, who is still lying to the operating table. Zim pulls the tube out of the policeman's mouth, and he sits up straight. Now with a squid brain in his head, the officer become Officer Squidman.

Squidman: My tentacles!! Where are my tentacles?!

Zim: Don’t worry, officer. You are in a filthy earth brain hospital. Your feelings are normal. There’s a squid brain in your head!

The communicator attached to Squidman's arm crackles.

Police Dispatcher: Calling unit twelve! Unit twelve!

Squidman clenches his teeth and grunts and makes a high pitched noise, his eyes shut. He screams, and looks confused.

Squidman: Something’s wrong! My ink!! Why can’t I shoot ink anymore?? What kind of squid can’t shoot ink?!

He screams.

Squidman: Squid!!

Police Dispatcher: Situation at the public library: Flying metal child draining the brains of citizens. Respond immediately!

Zim: Oh, it’s GIR! I've got to stop him before he ruins everything! That horrible robot!

Zim walks off. The Policeman falls off the table, and starts wiggling along the ground after Zim.

Squidman: Please! Just take me back to the sea!

Cut to the library. The ruined police car pulls up. One of the hubcaps falls off. Squidman runs into the library with dilated yellow eyes. He screams and clutches his head, and then jumps onto a nearby door and starts sucking on the window. Zim enters, wearing Squidman's hat.

Zim: Relax, humans! The police are- ewww!!

GIR is floating in mid air still strapped to the data canister. The wires are extended and attached to the heads of humans, keeping them hovering in the air. A huge blue aura surrounds GIR and the canister. There are also wires stuck in the disc sockets of some of the computers lining the walls. One of the wires whips back and inserts a disc into a slot in the canister. A human jerks its head back and forth on the wire. A few flashes of pictures from the information in the discs appear. Another disc is inserted into the slot, and more pictures and diagrams flash by. Another disc is inserted, and yet more flash by. Slow zoom in to GIR, with more diagrams and pictures appearing around him.

GIR: The knowledge… it fills me… it is neat!

Zim: GIR! You’ve drained enough humans today!

GIR: Data canister is not yet full!

Zim: I command you to get outta here before we’re noticed… some more.

One of the wires reaches down and snatches the Behavioral Modulator out of Zim's hand.

Zim: Hey, quit it!

GIR's head slides open, and the wire places the Modulator inside.

GIR: You are no commander! You are a threat to the mission! Your methods are stupid! Your progress has been stupid! Your intelligence is stupid! For the sake of the mission, you must be terminated!

GIR's eyes glow.

Zim: You dare speak to your master in such-

One of the wires shoots out and hits Zim, knocking him over. Zim looks up at Squidman.

Zim: Squidman! Assist me!!

Squidman jumps down off the wall, and clenches his fists, grunting and creating a high pitched noise.

Squidman: Uhh… ink…not…working! All that comes out is… you don’t wanna know what comes out…

Zim stands up. GIR's eyes glow, and Zim jumps out of the way as Gir shoots a laser beam at him from his eyes. GIR continues to fire beams, making big holes in the floor. He shoots out the ground from underneath Zim, and Zim falls down to the lower floor.

Zim: GIR! Listen to me! We have to get out of here! You’re malfunctioning!

GIR peers down through the hole.

GIR: Stupidity is the enemy! Zim is enemy!

GIR's eyes glow. Zim screams, and scrambles out of the way as GIR shoots a laser beam at him. Zim runs away. GIR lowers himself down into the hole to chase after Zim. Squidman runs up to the hole.

Squidman: Wait! Don’t leave me on land!

He jumps down after them. Zim skids to a halt in between two shelves of books. He tiptoes down the rows. A book falls off the shelf. Zim screams, and jumps onto the other shelf, trembling.

Zim: GIR! GIR, is that you?!

Zim jumps down, and backs away. He backs into GIR, who screams and waves his arms threateningly. Zim yells, and runs over to the case, throws a book at GIR, and climbs up the shelf. Switch to GIR's POV. The word ‘Tracking’ appears underneath Zim.

GIR: Target found! Eliminate moron!

Zim climbs up the shelf, and jumps down the other side. Laser beams cut through the shelves. Switch back to GIR's POV. Some of the books are on fire. The words ‘X-Ray Enhancement’ appear on the screen. The shelf ahead of him disappears, and Zim is in his sights. Four arrows point to Zim. Zim gasps, and runs away. He runs down another row of bookshelves, followed by a continuous line of laser beams. Zim grunts as each beam misses him. He jumps forward, and lands in front of a sign saying ‘Book Drop’. Zim moans. A book flies forward and lands in front of him. Zim looks up and runs to the left, just as another laser hits the wall. Zim runs into a room with double doors labeled ‘Viewing Screens’. GIR is visible through the window. Zim runs through the room, which has computer monitors lined up against the walls all around. He stops in front of a dead end, blocked off by vending machines.

Zim: Curse you, snacks! Curse yoooooouuuuu!!!

The lights go off. Zim looks back. GIR's eyes are visible in the darkness. His eyes glow, and electricity sparks up on the top of the canister, lighting up the room. Four wires extend from the canister, slamming Zim into the candy dispenser behind him and cracking the glass. The force of the blow knocks the police hat off of his head as well. Another wire extends, and attaches to the first in the row of computers. GIR's face appears on all of the monitors.

GIR: For the good of the mission, you must be terminated.

Zim: GIR… you were my servant once! Remember?

GIR: Yes. I didn’t like it.

GIR's eyes glow. Zim struggles in vain to escape from the wires. GIR gets ready to fire his laser. Squidman's voice is heard off screen.

Squidman: Hey! Over here!

GIR looks to the left, and a patch of ink squirts into his eyes. He starts rubbing his eyes frantically.

GIR: Vision…impaired! Can’t see!!

Squidman (teary-eyed): My ink! I did it!

The wires shoot back into the canister. Zim narrows his eyes and jumps down from the vending machine. He runs up to GIR and leaps onto him, knocking the canister's hover off kilter. Zim opens GIR's head and pulls out the behavioral modulator. GIR tries to reach him with his own arm, and one of the wires smacks Zim off of GIR's head. Zim turns the Modulator right down. GIR punches the air angrily, and suddenly goes back to normal mode. The canister falls to the ground. He falls out of the canister and lands face down on the floor. He grins.

GIR: Hi, floor! Make me a sammich!

Zim: That’s better!…I guess?

GIR runs in circles around the Data Canister, giggling.

GIR: Sammiiiich!! Nyee hee hee! Sammich! Nyeh heh…

Cut to a tranquil beach scene at sunset. GIR, Zim and Squidman are looking out over the water. Squidman is wearing his hat again. Squidman smiles.

Squidman: I want to thank you. That was quite an adventure! The car wreck, the library fight, and then the galactic space battle that happened on the way to this beach.

Zim: Yes, yes, very nice, now into the ocean with you, where you can tell no one of these things.

Squidman (with his arms in the air triumphantly): I’m coming home!

He jumps into the water.

GIR: G'bye!! G'byyye! G'byee! G'bye, g'bye!!!

The sun goes down very quickly, and Squidman leaps through the water.

GIR: He’s gettin’ eaten by a shark.

Zim looks skeptical. GIR smiles.

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