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Germs (Transcript)

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Alien spacecrafts hover above the city. Some of the buildings are already damaged and smoke rises from some place. One ship shoots a red laser at a car, flipping the car into the air. A scientist watches the attack from a window. He runs over to a table where some more scientists are sitting.

Scientist 1: What are we going to do? In only a matter of hours the alien scourge will bring the human race to its knees!

Scientist 2: I know! Let's build a giant space station, evacuate all the people, and live among the stars!

Scientist 1: There's not enough time for that!

Scientist 2: Can we build a small station and just evacuate all the scientists?

The scientists grin approvingly. The sound of a woman clearing her throat is heard. The scientists glance to where a female scientist is standing along with an insectoid alien in a tube. The alien growls. The scientists gasp.

Female Scientist: Allow me to make a demonstration.

The female scientist pulls out a pepper shaker.

Scientist 2: Right! We'll destroy them with pepper!

The female scientist stares for a long time. She then pours some pepper into her hand. She lifts the pepper up to her nose and inhales. She starts breathing heavily as she is about to sneeze. The alien in the tube lifts its head up. The female scientist grabs a mouthpiece that is connected to a tubing that links to the tube that the alien is encased in. She sneezes into the mouthpiece and a large bulge of snot moves through the tubing. It sprays on the alien. The alien shrieks and wriggles around. It swells up and then explodes.

Female scientist: The aliens are allergic... to GERMS!

She uses a pointer to point to the word 'GERMS' written on a chalkboard. On an open plain, some soldiers march up to where giant versions of the alien that was in the tube loom. More of the alien spacecraft hover above them. The soldiers sneeze on the aliens, which begin exploding. The camera zooms up to a flag that has the Earth on it and displays the words "HOORAY FOR EARTH". We see that this has all been a movie playing on the television in Zim's living room, where Zim and GIR sit and watch. The words "THE END" appear.

GIR: Hooray for Earth!

Zim: GIR! Earth is our enemy!

GIR: I understand.

Zim: Stupid human propaganda! The very concept of a superior alien species being felled by something as pathetic as...germs... is sheer fantasy! Do they really believe that could happen?

Zim starts laughing, and GIR joins in. Zim abruptly stops, but GIR continues giggling as Zim scampers away. GIR hesitates for a second, and then bursts out laughing.

The scene cuts to Zim sitting at a chair in his lab learning about germs from his computer.

Computer: Trying to conquer an alien world? Remember, never underestimate the small threats... like GERMS!

The word 'Germs' flashes on the monitor.

Computer: Yes, germs. Every planet has them, and many an invading life form has been thwarted by these invisible enemies.

Zim gasps.

Zim: It's true!

Computer: So whether you are out conquering worlds or are just concerned about these tiny pests, make sure you're prepared with a pair of germ-spotting microgoggles.

A rotating 3-D model of the microgoggles is seen in the monitor.

Computer: Click here for a free five-second demo.

Zim pushes his finger up to a little symbol on the monitor. Elevator music plays. A panel next to the monitor lifts up and light pours from the ceiling onto it. A laser creates a wire frame of the goggles then goes for them again to make them solid.

Zim: Oooh, neat!

Zim puts on the goggles.

Zim: Now, let's see this mighty human threat!

Zim turns around in his chair.

Computer: Demo mode activated.

From Zim's view, we see large blotches of germs all over the lab. Zim screams as he looks at all the germs in the lab. Zim takes a breath and screams even more. The microgoggles fade and disappear. Zim cowers in his chair, whimpering.

Computer: Wasn't that neat? Thank you for trying microgoggles. If you like what you saw, please order the full version.

Zim, still shaking, turns around in his chair and presses the goggles on the screen.

Computer: Thank you. Please wait for delivery.

Cut to a planet sized metal sphere lined with tiny cannon like openings. The Irken symbol appears at the bottom of the screen along with the words 'Planet Callnowia.' Zoom in on Callnowia until the camera view goes through one of the cannon openings. The inside is pretty much all wires and machinery. A mechanical extending prod thing comes out of an oven looking thing with a product attached to it and loads it into a tube. It is shot out of one of the cannons into space.

We see it is a rock, and it is headed for Earth. It falls down and bounces on Zim's walkway, cracking it as it goes along. It stops at Zim's door. The top opens up and a mechanical hand lifts out and rings the doorbell. The rock cracks open and shatters into many bits revealing a package inside.

The door opens and Zim, who is out of disguise, carefully peers out and grabs the package with napkins over his gloves to ensure clean hands. Zim opens the box and pulls out the microgoggles, putting them on. He screams some more now that he sees the germs once again. He begins to have a panic attack and loses balance.

Zim: So... much... filth!

Zim walks very carefully over towards the kitchen. The front door opens and GIR, out of disguise, stands in the doorway holding a mud-covered pig above his head.

GIR: Let's go to my room, pig!

GIR goes off somewhere. Zim walks back into the living room wearing the microgoggles and holding a bucket of soapy water and a mop, and a can of germs spray.

Zim: I never even suspected that the battle for the planet would ever take place in my own fortress! Hear me now, germs! Prepare yourselves for destruction!

Zim starts spraying with the can of germ spray. Zim scrubs the floor and mops the couch. Robotic arms come down from the ceiling holding mops, scrubbers, and germ spray cans. They start working away at the house. Zim scrubs away in the kitchen. Zim stands on the toilet. His microgoggles show no germs. Zim inhales.

Zim: Ah. The stink of clean!

The microgoggles zoom into a place between the tiles where a single germ squirms about. Zim screams. He hops down and crawls to the tiles where the germ is and starts spraying with his germ spray can.

Germ: Oh...ick!

The tiny germ coughs and gags as Zim sprays it.

Germ: *reaching to the sky* WHY? WHY? *falls over*

Zim continues spraying.

Zim: Another win for the Irken army! Clean lemony fresh victory is mine!

The sound of the door opening is heard. GIR, in disguise, stands at the door, waving.

GIR: Alright, see you later, pig!

The sound of oinking and a motorcycle driving off is heard. The door shuts, and GIR stands there. From Zim's microgoggle view, germs start pouring out from the place where GIR is standing. They start to cover more and more of the floor.

GIR: I'm gonna roll around the floor for a little bit, kay?

GIR leaps up. He hums as he starts rolling around the floor. He spins around from his spot on the floor, creating a puddle of germs.

Zim: GIR, what are you doing? Stop immediately! You're disgusting!

GIR: Aw, somebody needs a hug!

Zim: No, no, no, no, NO GIR NO!

GIR walks towards him, covered with germs. GIR opens his mouth wide and food drips from his mouth.

GIR: I'm gonna hug you!

Zim: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Zim runs out of the door. He is out of disguise and wearing the microgoggles. Zim looks back towards the house and screams. He starts spraying with his germ spray.

Zim: The enemy...regrouping! Worse...than I thought!

Zim starts scuttling about, spraying the ground. Across the street, a legless neighbor watches as Zim squeals and scuttles around. The neighbor raises his eyebrows.

Neighbor: Mmmm hmmmm....

Zim looks down and sees he is surrounded. He sprays the ground in front of him and steps where he sprayed. He does this over and over until he reaches the house. He opens the door and goes inside, shutting the door behind him.

GIR: I still got a hug in me!

Zim screams again. The neighbor frowns. A lawn gnome in Zim's yard lowers into the ground and a tree pops up, replacing it. GIR, in disguise, is tied to a rope which is tied to the tree. GIR is suspended above the ground by the rope, but it slides down so GIR can reach the ground.

GIR starts running around the tree until he reaches the end of his rope and falls to the ground. He gets back up and starts running around the tree in the opposite direction. In Zim's lab, Zim now wears a germ-safe suit, which includes a shower cap, the microgoggles, suspenders, rubber gloves over his own gloves, and tissue boxes on his feet. Zim sprays with his germ spray can in random directions.

Zim: Not gonna get me. Germs, chewing my squeedly spooch. Not my squeedly spooch, you don't. What about the mission? What about the mission? I should report in, but, the germs. Explody germs. So many germs. The mission! The mission. I have a job to do! I am an invader! I can't let these germs make me lose sight of the bigger MISSION! The skool! The skool will know I've been missing! They must be really suspicious by now!

Cut to Ms. Bitters' class.

Chunk: Hey, where's Zim?

Mongo Slunchy: Hmmm? I dunno.

Cut back to Zim.

Zim: And I haven't reported to the Tallest in too long! They will be worried about me! Mustn't alarm them!

Cut to the Massive

Computer: Incoming report from Earth.

The Almighty Tallest groan. Almighty Tallest Red sits on a couch while Almighty Tallest Purple stands.

Purple: Zim. You know we really should've given him a mission on a sun or a planet of broken glass or something...

Red: Or one of those exploding head planets.

Purple: (Answering transmission) Yes, what is it now, Zim?

A monitor screen fades into a view of Zim in his lab in full germ-free suit. Zim salutes.

Zim: Sirs. I apologize for not reporting in, but- Excuse me.

Zim runs out of view. The sound of Zim spraying with his germ spray can is heard. He pops back into view.

Zim: All is going well, nothing too big to report aside from the usual- Ah! Would you look at the size of that one!

Zim sprays with his germ spray can, emptying it out.

Zim: No! No! I'm almost out of disinfectant! All hope will be lost if I don't get more! Never! MMAHA! But, I'm not giving up! I'LL DESTROY YOU! And you, and you, AND YOU!

The transmission goes into static.

Purple: Did that scare you too?

Red nods.

Cut to Zim's front lawn.

GIR is still running around the tree. He runs out of rope again and it gags him. He starts running around in the opposite direction when the front door opens. Zim walks out, in his full germ-free suit and holding a can of germ spray.

Zim: GIR!

GIR stops running and looks at Zim.

Zim: Pay attention, GIR. We have to go to the store to pick up some more cleaning things. I need as much as I can get, so you'll have to help me carry stuff.

Zim sprays GIR in the face. One of GIR's eyes twitches. Zim makes a disgusted groan.

Zim: You're still so germy! But it'll have to do.

Zim unhooks the rope attaching GIR to the tree and puts him on a leash.

Zim: I need to save some of this for the trip. Come, GIR!

Zim and GIR start walking down the sidewalk. When they reach the store, it is dusk. The store is just called 'STORE' and it says '24/7' on it.

GIR: Look, there it is.

GIR tries walking past the store, but the leash stops him. GIR turns around and sees Zim spraying the germ spray, but only the last little fizzle is coming out. GIR snatches the can from Zim.

GIR: Lemme try.

Zim: No GIR! The germs!

GIR shakes up the germ spray can. He gets distracted when he hears the sound of a cow being butchered. He looks across the street and sees a fast food restaurant, Mac Meaties. Mac Meaties looks like meat heaven as the top half looks like it is made of meat and ribs. GIR runs across the street to Mac Meaties, still holding the germ spray.

Zim: My germ spray! GIR! COME BACK!

Zim stops in the middle of the street and eventually runs to Mac Meaties. A snorting pig can be heard. Zim walks in and sees germs everywhere. He sees John Fountain, who is sitting at a booth, scoop food into his mouth. Zim's microgoggles zoom in on John's mouth as he chews. He looks over to where a woman kisses a giant germ sitting in a baby seat. The microgoggles zoom in on her lips as she kisses it. Zim backs up and bumps into a lady.

Lady: Are you next in line?

Zim gasps and slowly backs away from the lady.

Zim: Horror...

Zim backs up into GIR.

Zim: GIR! The disinfectant! Where is it?

GIR: Oh, I lost it.

GIR reaches behind his back and pulls out a large dripping burger.

GIR: Wanna bite!

Zim jumps under a table, but then peeks his head out.

Zim: Wait a minute!

GIR licks the hamburger, Zim snatches it from GIR.

Zim: There are no germs on this thing!

Zim lifts up the top bun. The microgoggles scan the burger for germs.

Zim: Completely germ free!

The word 'CLEAN' flashes in the microgoggles. Zim goes to a booth where Jhonen Vasquez and Steve Ressel sit with the storyboards for the first episode of Zim, each of the holding a burger. Jhonen offers Zim his burger. Zim lifts up the top bun of Jhonen's burger and peeks inside.

Zim: How is this possible?

Zim lifts up the top bun of Steve's hamburger and peers inside.

Zim: How can this be?

Zim jumps onto the ceiling and then lands on the counter in front of an old man working at the cash register. Zim points at the man.

Zim: You! Burger lord! How is it that this meat is so pure, so perfect?

Burgerlord: Well, it all started in 1962...

The burger lord has a flashback. We see a rocket blast off into space.

Burgerlord: Utilizing advances in modern food synthesis, scientists at NASA began work on a germ hostile space meat-

As burger lord says 'space meat,' his face appears along with a meat patty, but disappears right after that. 'Space Meat' is echoed. The rocket opens up revealing a probe.

Burgerlord: -to be used during long expeditions into deep space!

As burger lord says 'deep space,' his face appears. The words 'deep space' are echoed. Scientists are seen sending volts of electricity into a patty of space meat.

Burgerlord: Only recently has their hard work paid off.

A scientist fiddles with a burger from behind a wall by sticking his hands through two openings into gloves.

Burgerlord: As even more advances in the field of space meat have been made and applied to what is now called "Operation Meat".

Burgerlord's head appears when he says 'space meat.' Both 'space meat' and 'meat' are echoed. A building is seen. A chart shows lost profits, which is a plummeting line graph. Angry customers are shown by the graph.

Burgerlord: Seeing this as a way to end their streak of being sued by angry costumers poisoned by their burgers, the Mac Meaties corporation decided to try this miraculous space meat.

The words 'space meat' are echoed. The flashback ends.

Burgerlord: Not having access to that technology, we make ours out of napkins.

The word 'napkins' is echoed. Burger lord motions to a bin full of used napkins.

Zim: Ingenious. This gives me an idea, greasy burger man. Yes! A way around the germs! A way I can resume my mission and deal with the germ enemy without bringing any attention to myself! Yes, yes! The answer is in the meat!

Zim grabs burger lord by his dog tags.

Zim: Give me all the meat!

Cut to Ms. Bitters' class. The students are talking when Zim walks in, wearing his disguise, but also covered in dripping meat armor.

Zim: How ya doin'?

Ms. Bitters and the students stare.

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