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Hobo 13 (Transcript)

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(A purple screen with various blueprints is shown, changing after every name that Almighty Tallest Purple says.)

Almighty Tallest Purple: Plasma-Armed Battle Tanks, Maimbots, Death Wave Cannons, ...a sack of taquitos?

(Shows the Tallest, then Zim on the screen)

Zim: Just a few supplies I'll need to complete my mission.

GIR: (pops in from the side of the screen) Did you get my taquitos yet?

(Zim pushes GIR aside. The camera switches back to the Tallest.)

Almighty Tallest Red: Your exile- er, mission... is to observe the planet, Zim, not annihilate it.

(Almighty Tallest Red sips a glass of water. Almighty Tallest Purple nods. The camera cuts back to the screen)

Zim: Yes, but, I'm quite GOOD at annihilating!

GIR: TAQUITOOOS!!! An' a CLOWN wit' NO HEAD!

Almighty Tallest Purple: Look, we'd love to grant your request, but we think you're insane- (winces, corrects himself) ... untrained.

Zim: (Outraged) UNTRAINED?! INVADER ZIM?!

Almighty Tallest Red: You're trained as an Invader, Zim. Battle tanks are for hardened soldiers.

(Zim growls petulantly and crosses his arms with a pouty face)

Almighty Tallest Purple: Hey, how 'bout we send Zim to Hobo 13? It's the, uhh.. (consults datapad) ... finest military training planet ever! (Turns to Zim) Zim, on Hobo 13 you'll be torn limb from limb!

(Zim looks confused)

Almighty Tallest Red (correcting Purple): Evaluated! Evaluated as a soldier! If you pass, we'll send a big BAG of battle-tanks!!

Almighty Tallest Purple: ...But, not that... clown thing.

GIR (screaming his head off): HEADLESS CLOWN! HEADLESS CLOOWWWNN!!!

(Zim throws GIR back, who lands on his back a few feet behind Zim, then gets back up and runs offscreen.)

Zim: Very well, My Tallest; to attain my tanks, I will allow the evaluation of my incredible brain meats. Zim out!

(Zim salutes, then GIR pops his head in front of Zim's)

GIR: How 'bout clown taquitos?

(The screen fades to static, and the Tallest look at each other and grin evilly. Scene fades out.)

(The scene fades back and Zim is in his spaceship traveling to another planet.)

Zim: Hey! Hey GIR! GIR! Check it out!

(Zim puts his ship on full speed and he goes flying extremely fast.)

Zim: (Singing the first part of the Invader Zim Theme Song) Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doodily-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-DOOOO!

(Zim flies into Hobo 13. The scene goes to inside the planet.)

Zim: With my mighty fists of horror and unstoppable cruelty, I am the tool of destruction, vengeance, and fury!

(He closes his eyes and puts his hands on his hips.)

Hobo 678: I only asked for your name! (Points to someone else) Next!

Throbulator: I am Throbulator! I am a creature of pure headache!

(Throbulator's left eye flies around as he gets a headache.)

Throbulator: YOWWWW! MY HEAD!

(He tilts his head and holds his head.)

Hobo 678: Your name! That's all I want! Gah!

Skoodge: Invader Skoodge!

(Hobo 678 turns to face Skoodge furiously. Skoodge salutes.)

Skoodge: Sir!

Zim: Skoodge? (Turns and points at Skoodge) I thought the Almighty Tallest killed you!

Skoodge: Yeah... but I'm okay now.

(Flies buzzing is heard.)

Skoodge: They say they'll promote me if I pass the evaluation.

Zim: Ha! Foolish, gullible Skoodge!

Hobo 678: Your first task, you scum-puddling squag doogies... is to choose a leader! Anyone who disobeys the LEADER...WILL BE ELIMINATED! Think carefully! This is the most important--

Zim: I CHOOSE ME!

(Hobo 678 turns to look at Zim, who is pointing in the air.)

Zim: ZIM SHALL LEAD! Object and taste my revolting vengeance of power!

(The aliens glance at Zim.)

Hobo 678: Just remember, with leadership comes great responsibility! You take care of your team, and you survive! WITH HONOR!

Zim: Yes, yes! Get on with it! (Puts his hands on his hips) My battle tanks await!

Hobo 678: Prepare yourselves, slime-licking smort crabs, to face a series of trials. The finish line is the dreaded Fortress of... (stands up straight and clenches his fingers) PAIN!!! Any mistakes, and you will be beamed away to a losers' holding pen.

(A beam of light shoots down from the sky at the alien eating a sandwich. He screams at the light takes him away, leaving the sandwich behind.)

Hobo 678: The holding pen, OF PAIN! (points at the sandwich)

Throbulator: The holding pen is painful?

Hobo 678: Yes!

Throbulator: Does it have to be?

Hobo 678: (Scratching his chin) Not really. (Points forward) Now, MOVE IT OUT!

(Zim hums as the aliens march forward)

Hobo 678: Hey! No Singing! Get in step! Shape up!

(Hobo 678's orders become inaudible as the scene changes to show the Almighty Tallest and some other tall Irkens gathered around a TV in a bar-like setting)

Almighty Tallest Red: (From the front of the room) As you can see, brave Invader Zim has begun his journey to the Fortress of Pain!

Almighty Tallest Purple: Anyone wanna bet he gets blown up?

Sneakyonfoota: A thousand monies something eats him-mah!

Almighty Tallest Purple: (Writes down bet on a notepad) Ok, anyone for chopped in half?

Tim: Ooh, me! I bet two thousand monies!

Almighty Tallest Red: (Whispering to Purple who is still writing) You realize that if no one bets for Zim we could be out a lotta' monies.

(Purple looks up from his notepad in sudden realization. The scene zooms out to show the whole room.)

Almighty Tallest Purple: Any bets for Zim succeeding?

(Table-Headed Service Drone Bob walks by, serving drinks)

Almighty Tallest Purple: Come on!

(Red notices Bob and points to him)

Almighty Tallest Red: You! Table-Headed Service Drone Bob! You will bet five-hundred thousand monies on Zim!

Table-Headed Service Drone Bob: But...I only make five monies every two years. (Has a sad expression)

(There is a short pause. The scene changes to show all the other irkens looking at him.)

Almighty Tallest Purple: Five-hundred thousand for Zim!

(The other Irkens cheer as Bob begins to cry. The scene quickly changes back to Hobo 13, scrolling upward from a pit full of lava.)

Hobo 678: (Yelling) First you must use your wits to cross the molten pit of hideous screaming pain!

(The scene scrolls through all the aliens. Each one is wearing a power suit, seen on their arms and hands. Offscreen, the power suit is also found on their legs and feet as well. Zim has a smug expression)

Hobo 678: Your power suit will provide some protection, but NOTHING will defend you from a stupid mistake!

(Hobo 678 effortlessly jumps across the pit)

Zim: Child's play! We shall stand on each other's shoulders! (points across the pit) And fall forward forming a bridge...to safety!

Alien Teammate 1: Why don't we just cut down that tree and walk across? It's safer and...y'know.

(The other aliens converse over his idea. Zim angrily looks around at his other teammates and stands up to the alien teammate.)

Zim: Are we going to have trouble, soldier?

(The scene cuts to show all of Zim's teammates standing on each other's shoulder's, wobbling back and forth due to little stability. Alien Teammate 1 is on the bottom, and Throbulator is on the top, holding his head. They stand at the edge of the pit, until Zim pokes Alien Teammate 1 in the stomach. As they fall over, Throbulator grabs hold of two rocks on the other side, and Alien Teammate 1 holds onto the starting side with his feet, successfully forming a bridge over the lava. Zim happily begins to cross the living bridge, and Alien Teammate 1 struggles to hold on to his end.)

Alien Teammate 1: Can't...hold...on!

(The land under Teammate 1's feet begins to crumble. Luckily for Zim, he makes it over to the other side, stepping on Throbulator's head in the process)

Throbulator: (His eyes pop out a little as he is stepped on) RRRR MY HEAD!

(When Zim reaches land, he turns around to watch the living bridge. The land under Alien Teammate 1's feet gives way, and everyone begins to swing down. As the bridge crashes against the wall of the other side, the three aliens on the end, including Teammate 1, fall away from the bridge, dropping into the pit.)

Alien Teammate 1: YOU'RE A HORRIBLE LEADER! (fades away)

(A beam of light zaps the three aliens away to the loser's holding pen right before they hit the lava)

Zim: VICTORY! (Voice echoes in the distance)

(Hobo 678 cringes and grumbles. The scene quickly cuts back to the Almighty Tallest. A happy Zim is showing on the monitor.)

Almighty Tallest Purple: Um...

Almighty Tallest Red: That shouldn't of happened.

(The Tallest look back to see Bob. There is a flag with "GO ZIM!" on it attached to his back, and he pushes buttons on a calculator, giggling and figuring out how much money he will receive overall if Zim passes the trials.)

(The scene cuts back to Hobo 13. This time, a large canyon is shown.)

Hobo 678: (Yelling) This is the stinking canyon of the ferocious meat-thirsty Hogulus-

Zim: (Cutting him off) -of pain?

(Hobo 678 leans in closer to Zim, who has an evil grin on his face)

Hobo 678: Arrrrgh! ARRRRGH!

(Hobo 678 stands up straight again. He throws a slab of meat into the canyon in front of a nearby cave. A low growl from within the cave is heard)

Hobo 678: It's simple! Navigate from this end to the far end...alive! (Points to the far end.) Good luck. (Pilots away to the end using the rockets on the feet of his power suit.)

Zim: I...have a plan! But I will need a volunteer to distract the hog beast.

Skoodge: Yes sir! I am your loyal-

(Zim nonchalantly kicks Skoodge off of the cliff. Skoodge screams as he falls. He hits his head several times as he plunges to the bottom. When he looks up, he stares right into the eyes of the Hogulus, which roars in his face. Skoodge runs away screaming as the beast chases him. The scene cuts back to Zim and his alien teammates, all looking on in horror.)

Zim: Let's go! (Climbs down into the canyon)

(The scene fades to Zim leading his teammates straight through the canyon. Skoodge is still screaming and running away from the Hogulus. As Zim climbs up the other side, Hobo 678 finally touches down from his rocket-powered ride. Zim walks up to him.)

Zim: Another job well done! (He salutes)

Hobo 678: (Gets into Zim's face) What about your soldier, Skoodge?

(Zim's teammates begin finishing their climb up the side)

Zim: It's what Skoodge would have wanted- Eh? Uh...I mean OH NO! SKOODGE IS IN TROUBLE!

(Zim turns around and attempts to lift up the large rock behind him, making loud exaggerated grunts as he attempts to do so, and fails.)

Zim: Hmm...

(Zim takes a step back and begins pushing some buttons on the arm of his power suit. Skoodge can be heard screaming in the background.)

Skoodge: Nobody's helping me!

Hobo 678: (Looking at Zim) What do you think you're doing?

Zim: I'm programming my suit to steal energy from the rest of the team. Here I go!

(Green sparks come out of the arm of Zim's power suit and aim at another teammate. He collapses to the ground, his arms and legs out of his own control.)

Alien Teammate 2: ARMS...AND...LEGS...USELESS!

(The power bar on Zim's power suit begins to gain more bars)

Zim: With enough power I can lift the boulder and throw it at the monster. NO ONE WILL SAY ZIM NEVER TRIED!

(A sound effect plays as Zim holds his arms triumphantly in the air for a few seconds. The scene cuts back to Zim's power meter, moving up ever so slowly. Everyone looks back at the canyon. A cloud of dust appears as Skoodge continues screaming.)

Zim: (Disappointed) Ehhh...takes a little while doesn't it? (Closes the power meter on his power suit.) Ok I tried. THE FORTRESS OF PAIN AWAITS! (Zim hums loudly and marches off.)

(Hobo 678 watches Zim walk off and facepalms. The scene cuts back to this image being shown on the Almighty Tallest's monitor. The Tallest turn around as Bob speaks.)

Table-Headed Service Drone Bob: (Excitedly) If Zim finishes, I get six million monies! Oooh... (Tears appear on his face)

Almighty Tallest Purple: Oh Bobby, it appears I need a refill. (Giving the glass to Bob) Thanks.

(Red finishes his drink to give to Bob as well)

Table-Headed Service Drone Bob: (Lashing out) AARGH! GET IT YOURSELF!

(The Tallest appear quite shocked at him.)

(The scene cuts back to Hobo 13. Zim and his teammates are running through a maze with lazers shooting at them. Zim reaches the end and jumps right through the ending lights, with most of his team right behind. As everyone looks back, the final teammate, a crystal-like girl, jumps for the ending lights, but falls short. A tractor beam shines on her and zaps her to the loser's holding pen.)

Crystal Girl: Curse you Zim! (Is sucked away) WAAAUGH!

Zim: I AM INVINCIBLE!

(Everyone turns to look at Zim.)

Zim: All I had to do was reprogram the lazer turrets to lock in on uh...what's-her-name...that one person, um...but, she was a fine soldier and better luck to her in the future!

(Hobo 678 and Zim's teammates all glare at him as the scene fades out)

(A montage of trials begin to show set to a remix of Hobo's Theme. First, Zim and his teammates walk across a narrow bridge. Right below the bridge is a pond of toxic green slime. Zim, about to fall, accidentally pushes a teammate into the pond to steady himself. The blue light zaps the teammate to the holding pen before he can fall in. Zim continues to cross. The scene cuts again to another maze. Zim and his teammates traverse the maze, running from a large mechanical dragon. Everyone reaches the end except for Zim and a small, baby-like alien. Just as the baby is about to cross the finish line, Zim scoops him up and hurls him at the dragon. The baby squeaks as he is eaten and taken to the sky, most likely to the holding pen. Zim's teammates watch this, and turn around to see Zim dusting off his hands. The scene cuts to this image being viewed on the Tallest's monitor. The Tallest are in shock while Bob waves his "GO ZIM!" flag with tears in his eyes. The scene cuts back to Hobo 13, in a swamp full of strange plant-like monsters with sharp teeth. Zim and Throbulator hide behind a boulder as Zim throws a small rock in front of his other three teammates as they try to quietly cross. The noise causes the creatures to attack the three, chewing at their faces. Zim and Throbulator run on by to where Hobo 678 is waiting. He growls angrily.)

(As the montage ends, the scene fades to the Fortress of Pain.)

Zim: BEHOLD THE FORTRESS OF PAIN! (Points at Throbulator) What was your name again?

Throbulator: THROBULATOR! (His right eye pops out a bit.)

Zim: Yes! Soldier, I have a very special mission for you.

(The scene cuts to the inside view of the door to the Fortress of Pain. Slams can be heard from the outside, as well as Throbulator grunting. On the third slam, a sticky mucus shoots through the door, and it opens, revealing Zim holding Throbulator, who had used his head to open the door. A section of Throbulator's head droops down.)

Throbulator: (Holding the drooping portion of his head) Throbulator...feel nothing anymore.

(The blue light zaps him to the holding pen.)

Zim: GOOD WORK TEAM! Team? (He looks around, seeing no one of course.)

(Vultures caw.)

Zim: Oh well.

(Zim walk forward into the fortress. Ahead of him is a circular room with spikes on the walls.)

Zim: Well, I made it to the fortress. VICTORY IS MINE!-

Hobo 678: Oh no, Zim. No victory for you.

(Zim appears confused at his voice. Hobo 678 descends from the ceiling.)

Hobo 678: Because of your incompetence your entire squad was eliminated! You are a disgrace to Hobo 13!

Zim: But...I survived every trial! I am the ultimate soldier! I must get my equipment or I won't get it!

(Zim steps forward into the spotlight as Hobo 678 continues descending.)

Hobo 678: Then defeat ME, Zim! Let this be your final challenge. (He lands on the ground.) I'm really looking forward to twisting you into a twisted, horrible knot...made from you! (He cracks his knuckles.)

(Poles come up from the ground, each with a small sphere on the tip. A beam of blue light goes through each sphere, surrounding Hobo 678 and Zim.)

Zim: Hey, that's neat!

Hobo 678: This circle is surrounded by a transportation field. First person to be pushed through that field gets transported to-

Zim: The Holding Pen of Pain?

Hobo 678: No. It's FULL! Now the loser gets sent to...THE OUTHOUSE OF MADNESS!

Zim: EHH?

(Zim's antennae perk up as a flushing toilet sounds. Hobo 678 launches himself at Zim, and Zim copies. Hobo 678 punches Zim, making him fall backwards. His foot barely brushes the transportation field. As Zim gets up from his falls, Hobo 678 charges at Zim, but Zim jumps away just in time. From the other side, Hobo 678 launches his arm attached to a chain at Zim, sending him sky high once again. When Zim lands, he opens up the power meter on his suit in attempt to steal power.)

Zim: I have you now!

(Green sparks come out of the power meter, but launch back at Zim. Zim attempts to run from Hobo 678 while trying to get it to work.)

Zim: UH, NO! UH, NO!

(Hobo 678 grabs Zim with his arm on a chain as he tries to run. He holds Zim right up against the transportation field. A part of Zim's head is already nearly transported. It appears to have liquefied within the transportation forces.)

Hobo 678: You are the worst student I've ever had!

Zim: (Cutting him off) Perhaps you have trained me too well!

Hobo 678: (Disappointed) No really, you're the worst.

(Zim looks over at his power meter, which is going up somehow.)

Hobo 678: Your cheating arm trick won't help you now, Zim! No teammate left to steal power from. HA! WEAK!

(A panel on Hobo 678's power suit arm opens, showing his power meter going down from Zim stealing it. When it gets low enough, Zim looks Hobo 678 right in the eye and delivers an extremely powerful punch from his newly gained power. Hobo 678 screams as he is knocked out of the ring. The scene cuts to the front entrance of the fortress. Skoodge runs in.)

Skoodge: (Panting) Zim! I escaped from the canyon! I made it! I'm alive!

(Hobo 678 ends his fall by landing right on top of Skoodge. A dark shadow and drool cover both of them.)

Skoodge: (Unseen from underneath Hobo 678) Where am I? What am I seeing?

(The scene shows the Hogulus, who is directly above them.)

Skoodge: OH MY...OH NO...

(The Hogulus picks up Hobo 678 in his mouth. He screams as the Hogulus shakes him around. Skoodge watches on in horror. Hobo 678 grabs Skoodge and begins hitting the Hogulus with him. The Hogulus runs off, carrying Hobo 678 and Skoodge, who continue screaming.)

Hobo 678: AAH! PUT ME DOWN!

(Zim walks out the fortress and picks up Hobo 678's dog-tag that had been shaken off of him.)

Zim: Um...this completes my evaluation. The Tallest can deny my requests no longer! I AM ZIM! BRING ME THE TANKS! (Voice echoes)

(The scene cuts back to the Tallest and Bob.)

Table-Headed Service Drone Bob: You can serve yourselves from now on! (He tosses the table off of his head.) HAHAHAHAHA!

(The Tallest look annoyingly down at Bob, then look back to the monitor showing a happy Zim as the scene zooms out. The scene then fades away to space to show a large ship flying by.)

Zim: It sure was nice of the Tallest to give me my own ship! And they tell me if I prove myself as a fleet commander they'll give me my own tanks AND my own battle cruiser!

(Zim fiddles with the controls, which are red and appear to be unresponsive.)

Zim: Hey, why are these controls locked anyway?

(The scene points to the back of Zim's seat. Bob is tied there, with tape over his mouth. He muffles cries and points to the window, showing the ship slowly traveling closer to a nearby sun. The scene cuts to show the full view of the sun with the ship traveling into it. The scene fades out.)

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