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Lice (Transcript)

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A navy blue insect climbs up a blade of grass in front of the skool. Dib stands at the front of the class, giving a presentation. The word 'Galileo' is written on the board. On Ms. Bitters' desk there is a very nasty, worm-ridden apple.

Dib: ...But nobody believed Galileo! They even put him in jail! Now if all these people who just called him crazy were brought back and shown just how wrong they really were, they'd be sorry! Oh, they'd be sor-

Ms. Bitters: Time's up, Dib. Any questions?

Zita raises her arm.

Ms. Bitters: Yes, Zita?

Zita (Referring to Dib): You're crazy!

Ms. Bitters: Excellent, Zita! You get an A!

Zita sticks her tongue out at Dib.

Zita: Nyah!

Zim snickers quietly.

Dib: But that wasn't a question.

Dib walks to his desk. Zim and Dib exchange angry glances. Dib takes his seat. Melvin stands at the door with a veiny head. He scratches his head and hums, then skips inside the classroom. Melvin continues to scratch his head.

Melvin: Sorry I'm late! My head's itchy!

Melvin giggles. Close-up on Melvin's head; it is covered in lice that are biting his scalp. Melvin scratches his head furiously and a swarm of lice leaves his head and looms over the class. Ms. Bitters gasps and points at Melvin in a very accusatory way.

Ms. Bitters: LLIIICE!

The lice swoop down on the children. They get out of their desks, itching their heads and screaming. Carl scratches through his beanie, showing his skull. Zim gets out of his desk, screaming and feeling his wig. He calms down when he realizes there is no lice. Chunk bangs his head on the wall. Zim holds his lice-less head and looks around.

Smeedge and Penny rub their backs together. Sara and Rob bang their heads together. Zim removes his hands and looks at them. The children burst through the classroom door into the hallway. Mathew P. Mathers III also tries to run into the hall but instead runs into a wall. Gaz stands against the wall in the hallway, playing her GS2.

As the skool children run down the halls, more students burst out of the other classes, also afflicted with lice. Pretty soon, all the kids have lice. Gaz continues playing her GS2, ignoring the lice. Biscuity Goodness walks up to Gaz, screaming and scratching his head.

Biscuity Goodness: Itching! In my braaain!

Gaz: Pshhh, whiner!

Gaz waves her hand and Biscuity Goodness gets thrown back. A panel on Ms. Bitters' desk slides open; a glass covering lifts up, exposing a red button. Ms. Bitters presses the button.

Cut to the delouser headquarters. Countess Von Verminstrasser sits in a chair watching three monitors, which show random views of the skool interior, when red lights start flashing. The monitors show the exterior of the skool with the word 'red alert' flashing. The Countess gets up and points to some teleporters. The Countess and two assistants enter the teleporters, and with a red flash, they are gone.

Cut back to Ms. Bitters' class. The walls in the corner of the class split along with the ceiling tiles in that area as a teleportation device unfolds. The Countess and her assistants teleport into the class. The kids are all back in their seats, all of them screaming and itching except for Zim. One of the assistants waves a handheld scanning device across the class.

Assistant: Level 1 infestation, ma'am.

Countess: A level 1. I am Countess Von Verminstrasser, the delouser! For your own good, you will cooperate! You have lice, and until your condition changes, you will all be detained here indefinitely!

Dib: You can't really make us stay here.

Countess: You dare question me? Question my methods? You, who stands to benefit the most from my work? You disgust me!

Ms. Bitters: What a nice lady.

Dib: All I said was-

Countess: Silence! Let the delousing begin!

Cut to the outside of the skool. A quarantine tarpaulin unfurls and drapes over the skool.

Countess (voice only): Any attempts to escape will be severely frowned upon, so don't try!

Two children run down the skool hallway to the exit and open the front door. They put there hands on the quarantine sheet and an electric shock sends them flying down the hallway, charred.

Cut to the auditorium. The lice-infested skool children are packed in there. The Countess stands at the podium on the auditorium stage with her two assistants behind her. Ms. Bitters and Zim sit in chairs on the stage too. Some of the children in the crowd are charred and smoking, due to attempting to escape.

Countess: You have been separated according to the severity of your cases. The worst over here!

The Countess points to some children standing in one area of the auditorium moaning and itching, including Gaz, Dib, Melvin, Carl, and Chunk. The Countess points to Ms. Bitters and Zim.

Countess: These two have no lice on them at all!

Zim stands up and marches over to the podium.

Zim: I'd just like to say that if I were a member of an alien race- Which I'm not! Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh! I'd have to take this opportunity to say-

Zim stands on top of the podium.

Zim: Filthy Earth creatures! It is clear who the superior species is! Isn't it!?! Isn't it!?! You stink!

Zim growls and claws at the air. Dib throws a wad of paper at Zim, causing him to go silent. Zim and Dib exchange angry glances. One of the Countess's assistants grabs Zim by his head and lifts him up, placing him back in his seat. The Countess goes back to the podium.

Countess: The two CLEAN ones will be taken to a special area for immunity research.

Dib: This is insane! Isn't this a bit much for just an outbreak of lice?

Melvin shrugs.

Melvin: Eh.

Countess: The rest of you will see my assistants for your assignments.

Cut to a hallway in the skool. Dib and Melvin walk down it, handcuffed to each other, while the two assistants walk behind them. The doors in the hallway are open. As they walk, Dib looks into a door to his left where Samichy's head is being shaven by another assistant. Dib looks into a door on his right and sees Spoo hanging upside down and being dunked into a vat of delousing fluid.

Dib looks into a door on his left and sees Rob sitting in a chair with a monkey on his head picking off lice and eating them. Dib and Melvin groan as one of the assistants shoves them into a room and shuts the door behind them. Melvin falls down. He gets up and they both start scratching their heads. Inside the room is a device with mechanical arms, two empty chairs, and a vat of delousing fluid.

Dib: We've gotta get out of here!

Dib runs to the window, dragging Melvin along on the floor. Dib yanks on the window seal.

Countess: Take your seats, licey children!

The Countess stands by the chairs.

Dib: You won't get away with this!

Countess: Get away with it? When I'm finished here I'll be looked upon as a hero!

The Countess shakes her fist.

Countess: You simply do not comprehend my work here, boy, and I do not have time to explain! Take your seats now!

Melvin runs to a seat, dragging Dib along. Melvin screams as the Countess uses a tasor-like delousing device on him. Afterwards, his head is covered in the pink foamy delousing fluid.

Countess (to Dib): Your turn!

One of the Countess's assistants stands in the doorway.

Assistant: Countess, you are required in B-Wing.

Countess: So much to do! I'll be back!

The Countess run out of the room, dropping the tasor-like device on the floor. She pushes the door on her way out and it starts to close. Dib jumps up and kicks the tasor-like device and it spins towards the door. It gets lodged in between the door and the wall, stopping the door from closing completely.

Dib: Melvin! It's obvious this 'delouser' has become mad with power!

Melvin: You mean...

Melvin's voice becomes demonic and his eyes twitch.

Melvin: ....She craaaaazy!?!

Dib: Yeah... We've gotta tell the world what's happening! The skool, no, the world depends on us!

Dib runs, dragging Melvin along on the floor. By the time they are in the hallway, Melvin is back on his feet and running behind Dib. The ground is littered with mines. Dib stops at a door and Melvin keeps running, causing him to fall down due to the handcuffs. Melvin gets up and rubs his head.

Dib: Immunity research? Zim!

Dib peaks through the glass section of the door. Zim and Ms. Bitters sit on chairs. One of the Countess's assistants approaches them with a device that looks like an electric cheese grater.

Assistant: We'll need skin samples to find out what makes you immune to the infestation.

Zim: I'm no different from the other humans! I'm loaded with lice! They're simply... heh... in my belly!

Zim squeezes his stomach and it squeaks. The assistant walks over to a table.

Zim: Maybe you should just put me in with the normal filthy Earth child group!

The assistant approaches Ms. Bitters with the device. Ms. Bitters stands up and growls.

Ms. Bitters: Take it from the child!

The assistant backs away. Zim grins nervously. Light flashes through the skool as the assistant uses the device on Zim. Zim screams, his voice echoing through the skool.

Zim: My skin! My superior skin!

Cut to the room where Gaz is. She sits in a chair playing her GS2 with tubes in her head.

Gaz: Pfff.. Whiner.

Cut back to the hallway.

Dib: Uh, that was kinda neat, but-

Countess (voice only): What is it!?! Make it quick!

Dib realizes the Countess's voice is coming from a room across the hallway. Dib drags Melvin over to it. The door is open ajar, so they peaks inside. Gretchen sits in a chair scratching her head while the Countess and one of her assistants stand.

Assistant: Forgive me Countess, but 15 of the test subjects have... disappeared.

Gretchen: Um... Heeey!

Countess: Escaped?

Assistant: Uh, no, they never would've made it past the mine field. They're, they're just gone!

Gretchen: Heeey! Excuse me!

Countess: Leave us! Up the security! The final battle is upon us!

The assistant beams away.

Gretchen: What are you talking about?

The Countess paces around the room.

Countess: An infestation of this size provides me with research opportunities I could only dream of before! Some will suffer, yes...

The Countess pats Gretchen on the head.

Countess: ...But for the greater good!

Gretchen: Why am I here?

Countess: But these disappearances... This is something more! Perhaps the proof I've been searching for!

Gretchen: Why are you telling me this?

Countess: Proof of a mastermind Queen Louse, the source of all lice! And I will stop it!

Gretchen: Can I go now?

Dib backs away from the door as Melvin's teeth chatter.

Dib: A lice queen? She's crazier than I thought! We have to stop her! Keep quiet Melvin and we'll-

Melvin starts jittering and moaning.

Melvin: Nooo! Noo!!!! Lice Queen!!!

Melvin sobs.

Dib: That was not quiet.

One of the assistants walks down the hall and approaches them. Melvin chatter his teeth.

Assistant: What are you doing out here!?!

Dib: What... are you doing out here!?!

The assistant shakes his head.

Assistant: Using... mind tricks...

The assistant grabs his head and screams.

Dib: Come on, while he's distracted!

Dib and Melvin make a run for it.

Assistant: Huh?

The assistant starts to chase them. The Countess pops out of a room holding Gretchen by her wrist and another assistant pops out of another room. The Countess points to the second assistant.

Countess: Continue your studies! We'll handle this!

Inside the room the second assistant popped out of lies Zim with his chair lying on its side. Skin has been removed from Zim's face and Zim moans and drools. Dib and Melvin continue running and enter a room. Inside are rows of students hooked up to machines that have mechanical arms zapping their heads. Dib looks behind himself and sees the silhouette of the assistant pass by the glass portion of the door.

Dib: We lost her!

Melvin screams. The Countess stands in front of them, still holding Gretchen off the ground by her wrist.

Countess: I knew you'd be trouble!

Gretchen: I really don't wanna be here!

The Countess pulls out a tasor. She turns it on and swings it at Dib. Dib groans and ducks and it scraps the top of Melvin's head, sending smoke from his hair. Dib and Melvin back up towards the students in the machines.

Dib: This has to stop!

Countess: You don't get it, child! No one gets it! But I will show you! All of you!

Dib: Don't get it? They're just lice! Look, they don't hurt anybody!

Dib sticks his hand in his hair and lifts it out. Lice crawl all over it. Dib holds onto his wrist and screams. Dib waves his hand to get them off.

Countess: You can't see the full extent of the problem! It's much bigger than you know!

Dib: Oh, not the lice queen thing!

Gretchen: This place smells. Can I have a soda?

Countess: You just need to open your mind!

The Countess points at her head.

Dib: You're insane!

Dib makes the hand motion for craziness.

Dib: There is no lice quee-

The ground starts to shake and the floor beneath them cracks. The ground crumbles revealing a massive cavern bellow. The children strapped into the machines fall in, followed by the Countess and Gretchen who scream as they fall. Melvin starts to fall in and he slips out of the handcuffs and falls. Dib twirls his wrist, glad to be free of the handcuffs. The ground underneath Dib crumbles too and he falls in. They fall into the lice hive. The Lice Queen growls. She is a giant louse with a large bulbous egg-laying section. Many children are cocooned within the chamber. The Lice Queen growls some more.

Dib: What!?! What is this!?! What's going on!?!

Countess: The Queen! We found the nest! I knew it! I was right!

Dib: She was right.

The Lice Queen puts its egg-laying tube onto Mathew P. Mathers III's head, then it pulls it off of him.

Countess: Look, it's filling these kid's heads with lice, just like Melvin, so they could spread them to the outside world!

Melvin screams. The Lice Queen growls back.

Countess: All those years, searching, waiting! They laughed at me, told me I was loosing my grip on reality! But there it is, proof of everything I've known to be true!

Gretchen: She does this, she just keeps talking!

The Lice Queen places its claws on its egg laying section and tears itself loose while growling so it can be in a more agile state. The Lice Queen leaps down towards them.

Dib: Hey, that thing you were right about... It's about to eat us!

The Lice Queen lifts a claw up and smashes it down, sending everyone flying and screaming. The Lice Queen growls and approaches Melvin. Melvin dives out of the way of the Lice Queen. Melvin runs, narrowly missing more swipes from the Queen's claws. The Lice Queen returns to the group. She smashes a claw down and the Countess is sent flying. Another claw almost hits Dib. The Lice Queen turns around and sees Gretchen. Gretchen backs away and then runs but the Lice Queen chases.

Assistant: Boss!

The Countess looks up and sees one of her assistants looking down from the gap in the ceiling. The assistant lifts up Zim.

Assistant: This green child, he is the answer! His skin! His skin destroys the lice! Here!

The assistant pulls out a large bazooka-like weapon.

Assistant: Use this against them!

The assistant tosses down the gun to the Countess. He then tosses down Zim and he lands in the dirt. The Lice Queen growls and strikes a claw down on Gretchen's teeth. Nothing happens. The Queen pounds Gretchen's buck teeth repeatedly to no avail. The Countess steps forward and places Zim in an opening in the gun. She points it at the Queen. The Queen looks at the Countess. Zim starts to spin as the gun blenderizes him. The Queen runs towards them, screaming.

Countess: Close your eyes, baby!

The Countess fires the weapon sending a scream of liquefied Zim skin at the Queen. The Queen screams and melts. The Countess then runs to the nest area and sprays all the cocooned students. The cocoons melt and the students slide off of the wall. The Countess pops up in front of Dib.

Dib: You were right all along! I was wrong about you! Sorry, I guess...

Countess: You should be.

The Countess sprays Dib, sending him to the ground. All the lice slide out of his hair.

Countess: Thanks to the bravery of this child...

The Countess lifts Zim out of the weapon, revealing his ground up lower half.

Countess: ...the world will never have to deal with the threat of lice ever again!

Zim screams and wiggles his ground up legs.

Zim: The pain!

Gaz (voice echoing from above): Whiner!!!

Countess: Future generations will sing songs about him, and his brave sacrifice for the fight against head lice! Good work, child!

Dib: He's an alien you know...

Countess: My work here is done!

The Countess lifts up Zim. The children start to gather behind her. Cut to Ms. Bitters sitting alone in the Immunity Research room. She twitches and scratches her head and then goes back to her normal stance.

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