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Mysterious Mysteries (Transcript)

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The Blotch sits on a throne in a small stone room. The screen is slightly pixelated, since it is a recording. His eye twitches. He squeals, snorts, grunts, then snorts some more. Some of the Children of the Bright and Shining Saucer are in the room with the Blotch. The anchor for Mysterious Mysteries of Strange Mystery holds up a microphone to Yoa. The Blotch continues grunting as Yoa talks.

Yoa: ... And, like the alien said, 'go to the Blotch! The Blotch knows,' so I, like, left my husband and came out here to commune with the Blotch!

Children of the Bright and Shining Saucer: The Blotch knows... The Blotch knows!

The anchor holds the microphone towards himself.

Anchor: What exactly does "the Blotch" know?

The anchor holds the microphone back towards Yoa.

Yoa: Um... The future? I dunno (coughs). It's, eh, really hard to make out, you know?

The Blotch starts screaming.

Yoa: Yeah, he does that sometimes.

The camera pans out so we see the Anchor sitting in a chair, watching this recording of the Blotch on a screen on a control panel in the Mysterious Mysteries studio. On the recording, the Blotch resumes screaming again. The anchor puts his hands on his head and shakes his head in disgrace. The producer opens the door and peeks inside. She wears a badge that says 'We Make Magic!'

Producer: Hey, got bad news: YOU'RE FIRED! (pause, laughs obnoxiously) Gotcha! No, you're not fired, but you will be unless you liven up the show!

The producer walks away. Alexi Aaronovich walks in holding some files under his arm.

Alexi Aaronovich: Submissions for next week's show!

The anchor takes the files.

Anchor: There has to be something good here!

He thumbs through the files and pulls out a sheet of paper and examines it.

Anchor: An unusually fat baby? No.

He puts the paper back and pulls out a new piece with a photo clipped to it.

Anchor: Angry mutant beef jerky... No!

He crumples up the paper in his hand.

Anchor: D'oh, it's hopeless!

Alexi Aaronovich: Well, there's always that stuff that crazy Dib kid keeps sending in.

Alexi motions to a door labeled 'The Dib Archives.' The anchor shudders. His eye twitches.

Anchor: No. No! Not after what happened that last time...

The anchor feels a scar on his face... courtesy of Dib, whose image flashes on screen. The anchor opens the folder on top of the pile labeled 'Pigfoot' and finds a picture of a man in a pig suit inside.

Anchor: "Pigfoot"?! Oh, this is ridiculous!

The anchor puts a hand on his forehead. He looks up at the door to the Dib Archives. He raises an eyebrow, then looks back at the Pigfoot picture. He sighs. The anchor gets up and drops the files on the floor. He walks over to the Dib Archives. He opens the door and flips on the lights, revealing that the Dib Archive is a large room full of boxes, creates and bags full of letters and papers sent in by Dib. As the anchor walks through, the sounds of animals are heard such as hooting and howling. The anchor stops in the center of the room and looks around. He looks down and sees a video disk lying there. He raises and eyebrow and bends over, picking it up.

Anchor: It's got to be better than Pigfoot.

The anchor walks out of the room and sits back into his chair at the control panel. He sticks the disk into a slot. The sound of Zim and GIR laughing can be heard.

Anchor: Get the van!

Alexi runs out of the room.

Anchor: I think we got something!

New opening credits for Mysterious Mysterious of Strange Mystery roll. It starts out with a magnifying glass going across the black screen making the words 'Mysterious Mysteries' appear, followed by the word 'of' which simply flies into place, followed by two electrically conductive poles appear that spell out 'of Strange Mystery' between them in electricity.

Anchor's voice: Mysterious Mysteries of Strange Mystery!

Light shoots through the screen. The screen changes to show a video of a man in his underwear walking through the forest a la Bigfoot. The Anchor appears standing in front of the screen.

Anchor: Now, harder-hitting...

The screen changes to show a silhouette of the Loch Ness Monster.

Anchor: ...faster-paced...

The screen changes to show a U.F.O.

Anchor: ...and even more... mysterious!

The anchor stands on the set of Mysterious Mysteries, which is a platform with 5 chairs and a few television screens in the background displaying things from the opening credits.

Anchor: Are we alone in the universe?

A screen lowers behind the Anchor.

Anchor: Tonight we'll show you some intriguing video that may just answer that vexing question!

The view screen displays a tape made with a hand held video camera that shows nothing but bushes. The camera focuses on this video screen so that it takes up the whole screen. Dib's hands are seen pushing through the bushes. Zim stands next to a tree out of disguise while GIR sits on a branch out of disguise looking at a floating light. Zim is muttering while GIR is squealing happily. Dib speaks out suddenly from behind the camera, causing Zim and GIR to turn, stunned toward the camera.

Dib's voice: Look, Gaz! You're my witness! He is an alien! I have him on tape! I have you on tape witnessing it!

The camera falls to the ground and goes into static. Cut to the anchor standing outside of Dib's house.

Anchor: Thanks to a horribly large-headed boy named Dib, we have a new piece in the puzzle that is the search for alien life! I set out to investigate...

The sound of a car crashing and a car alarm going off is heard in the background. The Anchor walks up to the front door.

Anchor: Kids play without fear in the streets of this humble hamlet. In fact, it's the kind of place where you don't even have to lock the door.

The anchor opens the door and walks inside. Gaz sits on the couch eating popcorn while watching TV.

Gaz: Who are you!?! Get out of my house!

Gaz throws the bowl of popcorn at him. Dib runs up to the anchor.

Dib: Oh, wow! You're here! I knew one day you'd come! I knew it!

Cut to footage of Dib and Gaz as babies. Dib is playing with blocks.

Anchor (voice over): Young Dib has been chronicling the paranormal nearly all of his brief life.

Dib spells out 'aliens' in the blocks. Gaz walks over and kicks the blocks like a regular bully. Cut to a photo of Zim sitting at his desk. The words 'photos courtesy of Dib' appear.

Anchor (voice over): So, when a green kid claiming to be a human boy with a skin condition (A new photo replaces the last one. It shows Zim sitting alone at a table in the cafeteria with a tray of food) entered his classroom, he says (A new photo appears showing Zim dragging GIR (in disguise) along the sidewalk) he was prepared.

Cut to the Mysterious Mysteries studio. Dib sits on one of the chairs on the set. The words 'Dib: large headed believer' appear.

Dib: Look at him. He's so... green.

Anchor: Help us. Clear up what happened that night.

The screen goes black and the words 'dramatic reenactment' appear.

Dib (voice over): I was monitoring some of the higher-frequency radio waves...

The screen fades in to show a set of a forest somewhere in the Mysterious Mysteries studio.

Dib (voice over): ...when I picked up on an alien distress signal! So I went out with Gaz.

Actors portraying Dib and Gaz walk on set. The Dib actor holds up a cardboard camcorder. The Gaz actress wears a crude mask/helmet made to look like Gaz's head.

Dib (voice over): She's kinda my sidekick.

Dib actor: We are close now! I feel it in my brain!

Actors playing bushes are up ahead. They hide behind pieces of cardboard made to look like bushes, but their legs are visible and they are moving.

Gaz actress (in a very un-Gaz-like Valley-Girl voice): Oh, golly! What is that?

The Gaz actress puts her arms around the Dib actor.

Dib actor: Stay back, Gaz!

The Dib actor pushes her back with one arm. She stands in place as the Dib actor continues on. The bush actor walk off set, revealing a large cardboard tree where actors playing Zim and GIR are. The Zim actor wears a mask/helmet made to look like Zim's head while the GIR costume is made from cardboard boxes. The glowing light is recreated with a light bulb hanging from the tree. The ladder leading up the tree is visible behind the tree.

Dib actor: Look, Gaz! You are my witness! He is an alien! I have him on tape! I have you on tape witnessing it!

The Zim actor pulls out a laser gun, which he shoots at Dib. Purple glowing orbs shoot out. They come from a little hole in the fake tree but it is meant to look like they are coming from the Zim actor's laser. They fly past the Dib and Gaz actors. Dib pretends to get hurt, then Gaz grabs her head and screams. A stage hand can be seen eating something and watching up on the catwalk. The Dib actor throws his cardboard camcorder. Zim drops the laser and dives for the camcorder, but so does Dib. They both tug on it.

Dib (voice over): He tried to wrestle the video away from me, but I was too much for him!

The Zim actor lets go and falls to the ground.

Gaz actress: Dib! The glow!

The Dib actor drops the camcorder and climbs up the ladder behind the tree. He shoves the GIR actor out of the tree and yanks on the light bulb. He rips it from its cord and throws it, grunting. It lands near a cardboard bush and shatters. Smoke starts to rise from the bush. It sets on fire. Water is poured on the bush until the fire is out. Cut back to the set where the real Dib sits.

Anchor: Aliens? That's quite a claim! Are you prepared to defend it?

Dib: I think my video speaks for itself.

Anchor: This young man denies your accusation!

Zim walks on the set (in his skool boy disguise) and sits in the chair next to Dib.

Dib: What's he doing here!?! He's the alien!

Zim: I came to put a stop to all your alien talk!

The words 'Zim: Alien?' appear on screen.

Zim: When will the lies end!?!

Anchor: Well, Zim. I guess my first question is... are you an alien!?!

Zim: LIES!!! The filthy Earth boy lies!!! I mean, no.

Anchor: Well, what about the video?

The camera zooms up on one of the view screens until it takes up the whole screen. It shows static, then the static is replaced by the black screen that says 'dramatic reenactment.'

Zim (voice over): I was out playing...

The screen fades and cuts to the set of the tree where the Zim and GIR actors are. The Zim actor shines a flashlight in the GIR actor's face.

Zim (voice over): ...like any normal Earth larva, when he came looking for trouble!

The Zim actor gives the GIR actor the flashlight. The Zim actor walks down the ladder. The Dib and Gaz actors approach.

Dib actor: Hey new kid! Give me your lunch moneys!

Zim actor (speaking with strong British accent): But I need these moneys to buy nutrients!

Dib actor: Give me the moneys or I'll tell everyone you're an alien!

Zim actor: Leave me alone! I just want to play!

Dib actor: Fine!

The Dib actor lifts up the cardboard camcorder.

Dib actor: Look, Gaz! You are my witness! He is an alien!

The Zim actor cowers.

Dib actor: I have him on tape! I have you on tape witnessing it!

Two stage hands can be seen on the catwalk eating pizza. The Dib actor lowers the camcorder, walks over to the Zim actor, and pushes him down. He shakes the ladder until the GIR actor falls out of the tree. Water sprays out of two valves under the eyes of the Zim Actor's Zim mask.

Zim actor: Boo hoo hoo hoo!

The screen fades out and cuts back to the set where Dib and Zim sit.

Dib: That didn't happen!

Zim: He lies!

Anchor: Calm down, you two!

Dib: You'll never get away with this!

Zim: Silence, you tiny brain... head!

Dib: What about that glowing thing? Look at it! That's no human glow.

Anchor: We asked an expert.

The three of them watch Professor Membrane on a screen.

Membrane: Possibly a weather balloon. Or swamp gas.

Dib: Swamp Gas?

Zim: He's crazy. Ask anyone in our class.

Cut to a video of students being interviewed.

Zita: Dib, yeah, um... He's pretty crazy.

Rob: He told me my daddy was a Yeti. My daddy's not a yeti... (begins sobbing, covering his face) He's not a Yeti!

Student 3: What's up with his head?

The video ends

Anchor: Well, Dib, I guess the question for you is: Are you crazy?

Dib: Of course they say I'm crazy! That's what they always say about visionaries.

He notices Zim next to him using a small purple device.

Dib: What's he doing? What are you doing? Calling your space friends?

Zim: Nonsense! It's my medication.

He swallows it agonizingly, tears in his eyes.

Anchor: Come on boys, this is national TV. Some peoples' jobs are on the line.

Dib: This is insane! You've got to talk to my sister. She saw the whole thing.

Cut to a video of the anchor following Gaz on the sidewalk. She faces forward as she walks, trying to ignore him.

Anchor (VO): Zim: Tormented child with a skin condition, or scheming demon from the stars? Dib: Misunderstood visionary, or raving lunatic? Perhaps only this little girl knows. Excuse me...

Gaz grabs a pile of dirt from a flowerpot and throws it in his face.

Gaz: Go away!

Anchor (spitting out dirt): I wanted to ask you a few questions about your brother. Maybe you can us straight on the whole craziness issue.

Gaz turns around and faces the camera again. The anchor gasps and backs away in fear. Cut to Gaz now on the show with Zim and Dib.

Anchor: Gaz, after what you saw, do you believe that your brother got proof of intelligent extraterrestrial life?

Gaz: Intelligent? No. My stupid brother did drag me out to look for stupid Zim. He didn't make that part up.

Cut to another re-enactment. Dib now holds a seemingly resistant Gaz by the arm as he whacks himself in the face repeatedly with the camera. We approach Zim again. Zim and Dib make retard noises and Dib points at the light bulb.

Zim and Dib: Huh, huh, shiny...

Zim faces Dib

Zim: Duh?

Dib clears his throat. We cut to the POV of the original video again. Zim flops around involuntarily and falls over.

Dib: Look, Gaz. He is an alien. I have him on tape; I have you on tape witnessing it. Duh...

Gaz kicks Dib in the legs and knocks him over. The video ends. Cut back to the studio. A boom mic hits the anchor.

Anchor: Huh? Oh. It looks like we will never know what really happened that night. I'd like to thank you all for watching what will almost certainly be the final episode of Mysterious Mysteries.

Someone comes up to the anchor and whispers in his ear.

Anchor: Uh, it seems we have a surprise witness who was there, and claims to know the truth.

GIR appears with his face blurred out.

Dib (OS): But he works for the alien!

Anchor: Restrain him!

We hear punching noises and Dib screams. GIR waves.

Anchor: Now, what can you tell us about Dib?

GIR: Dib's all mean to my master. He's not nice to Zim! I've seen it. Dib is bad. Hee, hee!

Anchor: And about the night in question?

Cut to the re-enactment once more.

GIR: I was a chubby lady hiding in the bushes.

A woman in a dress crouches behind one of the bush props, her face also blurred out.

Anchor: Uh huh. And what about Dib?

GIR: I'm on TV!

Anchor: Yes. Then what happened?

GIR: That's when a giant squirrel showed up.

Another actor in a squirrel costume appears from behind the tree. The GIR actor shines the "glow" flashlight on him.

Zim: GIR!

Anchor: Let her talk! Can't you see she's upset? Now, don't you mean Dib showed up?

GIR: No, the squirrel showed up first, then Dib showed up.

Dib and Gaz appear. Dib notices the squirrel and shrieks in fear, dropping the camera.

Dib: Oh, man! What is that thing!?

GIR: And then, the squirrel ate Dib's greasy head.

The squirrel attacks Dib. The actor playing Zim lifts his mask, looking concerned. Dib screams in mortal agony. Happy music starts playing as ropes come down and lift the squirrel off the ground and carry it off the set.

GIR: And then the squirrel flew away.

The squirrel moves across an outer space backdrop.

GIR: After that, he went back to his home planet to fight all the bad guys.

The squirrel is dropped onto two actors in bird and turtle outfits in a sand box. Cut back to the studio with GIR and the anchor.

Anchor: What does that have to do with anything?

GIR: Me and the squirrel are friends.

Fade out. Back on the re-enactment set, Zim, Gaz and GIR watch as the squirrel and the woman from before, face still blurred out, dance as the music from before plays. GIR shines the flashlight on them, Dib is being raised on a stretcher in the background. Back in the studio, Dib, Gaz, Zim and GIR sit silently. Dib has been put in a straightjacket; Zim looks around awkwardly. A cough is heard.

Anchor: I'm so fired. Well, the only conclusion I can come to is that Dib is crazy.

Cut to GIR, face still blurred out.

Anchor: This one here: definitely crazy. I feel bad for the ugly green kid, but there's a decent chance he's crazy, too.

Zim: But, not an alien.

Anchor: No.

Zim: Okay.

Anchor: Just crazy.

Zim gets down, raises his arms happily and walks out with GIR.

Anchor: Nothing matters anymore. Maybe I'm crazy.

He gets up and shakes his head around frantically. Gaz leaves. The anchor runs up to the camera and makes crazy noises. Zoom out of the screen and see the anchor and producer watching the video from the studio, same as in the beginning of the episode. He drops his head in his hands

Anchor: We're so cancelled.

Producer: I think this is the best work you've done. Crazy get's good ratings! Give me more like it!

She punches his shoulder and winks, then walks out. Zoom into the anchor's face, he sits up again. Visions of himself shaking his head around, and images and sounds of Dib, flash on the screen before we cut back to the him sitting in the studio, frozen and terrified.

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