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Pilot (Transcript)

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(The camera pans past planets in space. The words 'Operation Impending Doom 2' scroll by.)

Narrator: At the forefront of a horrible alien plan for galactic conquest named Operation Impending Doom 2 is... Invader Zim!

(An image of Zim in an exclamation bubble appears, then an image of Zim hiding in the bushes right behind a dog while looking at it through binoculars and poking it appears.)

Narrator: Sent ahead to gather information on the weaknesses...

(An image of Zim around the corner from a jump-roping child appears.)

Narrator: (continued) ...and observe the terrifying customs of the doomed planet...

(An image of Zim imagining his hair piece and contacts in a thought bubble appears. The hair piece and contacts move from the thought bubble over onto Zim.)

Narrator: (continued) ...by ingeniously disguising himself as a normal, green, human boy.

(An image of Zim saluting appears.)

Narrator: Himself the reason for the pathetic failure of Operation Impending Doom 1...

(An image of a spiral notebook with the words 'Impending Doom 1- fool proof!' written on it appears next to the saluting Zim. A sticker with the word 'FAILED' appears over the words 'fool proof.' An image of Zim with a thought bubble filled with the words 'determined X2' appears.)

Narrator: (continued) ...Zim is doubly determined to do the best job he can...

(An image of Zim saluting to silhouettes of the Almighty Tallest appears.)

Narrator: (continued) ...and regain the trust and confidence of his leaders, the Almighty Tallest!

(An image of GIR as a robot under a spotlight appears.)

Narrator: Together with his faithful half-robot...

(The robot GIR becomes dog-disguised GIR.)

Narrator (continued): ...half-doggy companion...

(An image of robot GIR sticking his tongue out while Zim gives a thumbs up in the background appears.)

Narrator (continued): ...and armed only with a ferocious devotion...

(An image of Zim and GIR (dog disguise) resting on a couch appears.)

Narrator (continued): ...and bottomless reservoir of energy...

(An image of a poodle appears.)

Narrator (continued): ...Zim faces countless Earth perils undaunted...

(The camera pans, showing Zim cowering in fear of the dog. An image of Zim leering over planet E​arth appears.)

Narrator (continued): ...to undermine filthy planet Earth's defenses, making it ripe for the pending alien... INVASION.

(The word 'INVASION' appears. Metal hatches close over the screen. The Invader Zim logo spins into place and sparks. The logo fades out and the metal hatches open, revealing the Skool. A bell rings. Cut to Ms. Bitters' class. Melvin stands at the front of the class. On the chalkboard is a picture of Melvin in a space suit with the words 'Melvin's space adventure.')

Melvin: And in outer space, I'm gonna collect rocks from Mars, and float in the space shuttle, and I'll make friends with the space monkey!

(One student in the class snores continually. Dib whispers to Tae, who is sitting next to him.)

Dib: I've been watching him, and I know the new kid is an... alien.

(Dib says 'alien' with his mouth closed, only moving his lips.)

Tae: What new kid? Who are you talking about?

(Tae looks to the side. The camera pans over to Zim, who holds a small device with an eye extending from it. Zim presses buttons on the device and controls the movements of the eye. Tae turns back to Dib.)

Tae: You're crazy.

(Dib looks over at Zim. Zim wears a large machine on his head while whistling innocently. Mechanical arms and an organ teleporting device extend over to the kid next to Dib. The kid's brain is warped out of his head. The arms contract back into Zim's helmet machine. Zim whistles some more as the machine quickly compresses into his Pak. The kid next to Dib groans and drools as his eye twitches.)

Melvin: ...and that's why I wanna be an astronaut!

('A hissing noise is heard and a shadow is cast over Melvin. Melvin looks up and sees Ms. Bitters looming over him. Bitters holds out a drawing of Melvin in a space suit.)

Ms. Bitters: Were you to actually wear the space suit that you draw yourself in for your report, Melvin, you would implode in the cold and merciless vacuum of space.

(The drawing burns up in Ms. Bitters' hand. Melvin watches in surprise. Zim giggles. Ms. Bitters looks at him.)

Ms. Bitters: Do you find something amusing, Zim?

(Zim giggles some more.)

Zim: Yes. Yes, I do.

(Zim falls over on his desk, pointing.)

Zim: Look at his space suit! (Ms. Bitters groans. She lowers into the floor and rises back out at her desk.)

Ms. Bitters: Now, does anyone have any questions?

(Dib raises his hand.)

Ms. Bitters: Does anyone have any questions that don't have anything to do with lunatic ideas about Zim being an alien?

(Dib lowers his hand. Zim nudges the kid next to him with his elbow.)

Zim: An alien! Silly human!

(Dib and Zim exchange stares back and forth. Suddenly, Zim's chair becomes empty. The bells rings and kids leave the class. Dib frowns. Cut to the cafeteria. Children carry their lunch trays to their seats at tables. Zim marches through the cafeteria with his lunch tray and stops next to a child, clearing his throat. He continues marching and stands next to a child who is already eating his lunch. Zim grins.)

Zim: I eat food! Just like you!

(The child scampers off with his lunch tray. Zim sits down and looks at the kid on his other side.)

Zim: I have a stomach!

(The child slides away. Zim glances down at his food. The sound of flies buzzing is heard. Zim sniffs the food and gags. Gaz walks by Zim holding a lunch bag and takes a seat further down the table. Dib pops his head in from the side.)

Dib: Look at him, Gaz.

(Dib takes a seat next to Gaz.)

Dib: He doesn't like the cafeteria food.

(Zim sniffs the food and groans.)

Gaz: I don't like it either. (mimicking Dib while waving her hands behind her head) I must be an alien too, huh Dib?

(Gaz drinks some juice. Zim's eyes shake at the sight of his lunch.)

Dib: What's the matter?

Zim looks up and sees Dib across from him.

Dib: Scared of beans... space boy?

Zim: Nonsense! I love beans. I love them.

(Dib holds out a spoon.)

Dib: Oh, just one more then. What are you scared of?

(Zim snatches the spoon from Dib's hand.

Zim: Scared? Ridiculous.

(Gaz and Dib run up to Zim's sides.)

Zim: Witness my bean-chewing.


Zim holds up a spoonful of beans to his mouth. He groans as he prepares to put the beans into his mouth. Gaz smiles. Dib grins. Zim puts the beans in his mouth. His cheeks swell. Zim chews.

Zim: Now that's good eat-

Zim makes a vomity noise and falls backwards, dropping his spoon.

Zim: Yummy...

Dib peers over the table and grins. Zim lies on the floor in a puddle of green goo with a massive throbbing head. Zim groans as his head pulsates. Dib rushes over to the rest of the kids.

Dib: Look everyone! His head! That is so not normal! I was right all along! He is an alien! You never believe me, but now I have proof!

Dib points. Laughter is heard. Dib looks around and peers over the table, along with some other students, put only finds a trail of goo leading to the rattling cafeteria doors.

Zita: You're crazy.

The trail of goo leads all the way to Zim's house. Zim's door closes. Zim leans against the inside of the door as mechanical arms reach up to him and remove his hair piece and contacts.

Zim: I do not like beans.

Zim coughs up green goo. Zim walks over to the living room. GIR (dog disguise) sits on the floor clapping at a toy piggy.

Zim: GIR!

GIR turns his head. He leaps into the air, unzipping his costume midair. It plops onto the floor and GIR lands in salute.

GIR: Yes, my lord!

Zim: GIR, my head! It's... it's...

GIR: It's grotesque!

Zim: Yes! Make it less so...

GIR: Okey dokey!

GIR hops onto Zim's head. GIR's head latches onto Zim's and pumps out the pus into a sack that emerges from GIR's feet. Zim's head returns to normal and GIR drags the sack full of pus away. The camera focuses on the monkey picture on Zim's wall. Zim marches into the kitchen. The lid on his toilet automatically opens and Zim steps inside. He pulls a cord and is flushed. He pops out in a chair in his underground lab. Monitors glow in his face. Cut to Dib's house. Gaz plays her Game Slave.

Dib: I almost had him, Gaz. I was closer than ever. It's as if dark forces are opposing me.

Gaz: Oh no! Dark forces! Go away, Dib.

Dib: I should probably expect more tricks like that from him. No doubt he's been well trained.

Cut to Zim in his underground base. Zim holds a game controller and sits at a monitor with the words 'pain piggy' written on the side. Zim groans. A pig in the game overlaps his character. The words 'game over- you stink' appear with a pig's face.

Computer: Game over. You stink.

Zim drops the controller.

Zim: Cheating pig!

Cut back to Dib. Dib holds a Poop Cola.

Dib: Did you see what that Earth food did to him?

Gaz: Are you drinking my soda!?!

Dib: Something in it must've triggered some allergic reaction in his filthy alien body chemistry.

Dib's sound waves are shown.

Dib: I'll stage a food fight tomorrow during lunch...

The recording echoes and warps as we follow the sound wave to the satellite dish on Zim's house.

Dib (on Zim's monitors): There, in front of everyone, I'll launch some food into Zim's filthy mouth and the whole Skool will see what Zim really is.

Zim laughs.

Zim: The human has lost the element of surprise thanks to the ingenious listening device I placed on him.

Cut back to Dib. Dib drinks some soda. He turns around and a massive robotic bug can be seen clinging to the back of Dib's head with a satellite extending from it. Dib turns around again.

Dib: Only then will his evil intestines be revealed.

Gaz: Evil intestines?

Cut back to Zim.

Zim: Reveal my intestines!?!

Zim grasps a microphone.

Zim: GIR! Meet me in the... making... stuff... room!

Cut to a room in Zim's underground base lined with tubes full of green liquid. Zim and GIR rise into this room on a floating platform. GIR holds a pig toy.

Zim: It's time to show the human boy the meaning of... superior being.

The lights in the room short out. Cut to the Skool cafeteria the next day. A bell rings. Zooglodon makes strange laughing noises as another kid sticks his food covered tongue in and out of his mouth. The door opens and kids turn around. Zim stands in the doorway in a large mech suit designed to resemble himself. Zim cackles. Zim walks away making slow mechanical steps.

Zim: Hey, how's it goin'? Lookin' good, Lunchy!

A child runs up.

Child: The weird kid looks weirder today.

Zim continues walking until he hears Dib's voice.

Dib: Hey, Zim!

Zim glances behind himself. Dib stands in the doorway wearing a scope and an arm-mounted food cannon. Gaz looks over from the lunch line.

Gaz: This should be interesting.

Zim: An arm-mounted food launcher! Neat!

Dib: You really think so? Thanks! I was up all night working on it.

Zim: Well it shows.

Dib (embarrassed): Oh, quit it.

Dib suddenly snaps into attack mode, aiming his launcher at Zim. Dib yells as the cannon charges. It launches a large meatball at Zim.

Zim: Giant meatball!

Zim activates a force field and the meatball bounces off. Zim back flips away. The meatball flies into the back of another kid's head, pushing his head into his tray.

Girl: Food fight!

Food is hurled by everyone. Children run around the cafeteria. One kid holds food in both hands and screams in joy while standing on a table. Some kids hide behind an overturned table. Zim and Dib focus on each other and the rest of the stuff in the cafeteria disappears. Dib launches some food at Zim. Zim holds out his arms and creates a ball of energy which captures the food inside of it.

Zim: This is just between you and me, Dib human!

Dib walks a few steps back. Zim launches the food at Dib. Dib leaps into the air and the food hits the ground bellow him.

Dib: Just between you and me? I count 1 alien and an entire planet of humans! It's hopeless!

Dib launches more food. Zim activates his shield. The food hits the shield and knocks Zim into the air. Zim groans. He does a full spin and lands on his feet, skidding back. Dib launches a continual volley of food. Zim groans as he sits in place under the force field as food ricochets off of him. Inside of his mech, monitors flash.

Computer: Force field overload. Force field overload.

Zim: Eee! Eee! Eee!

Dib continues shooting while eating a sandwich. Inside the mech, a screen flashes the word 'danger' with a frowning face.

Computer: Danger. Danger.

Zim: Must... have... more... power!

Zim presses a button. Electricity shoots into the arms of the mech. Zim closes his mech hands together and forms a ball of energy and food. He runs towards Dib and stops right in front of him.

Dib: Hey! I'm not afraid of your spooky alien death lunch.

Zim and Dib strafe in circles.

Dib: I'll follow your every move, forever, until the day I stop! You picked the wrong planet to land on, Zim.

Zim stops for a moment.

Zim: Wait a minute. What planet is this?

Dib: Earth.

Zim: Nope. It's the right planet.

Zim leaps over Dib and launches a beam of energy and food at him. Dib groans as he is sent flying and hits the ground. Dib leans upwards, the device on his back attached to the cannon sparking. Zim laughs.

Zim: Huh?

Computer: Danger, malfunction. System overload imminent.

Zim screams and pulls a lever. The mech suit sparks. Zim screams again and walks forward. The rest of the cafeteria fades into view again. The students are still in their food fight. One child gets hit in the head with food as he plays a Game Slave. Things begin to stick to Zim's mech suit.

Zim: What's happening!?! What's with-?

Students are sucked onto the suit.

Kid: Ow.

Zim stumbles around as children are launched into him. Dib gets up with food dripping off of him. His scope moves into place over his eye. Dib grins. Zim's mech has a full coat of kids.

Zim: Mayday! Mayday! The children... They cover me!

Dib's arm cannon charges.

Zim: The coming invasion... will not be stopped by your... BURRITOS!

Dib: Invasion! He said invasion! (students pop into view) See, he is an alien!

Zita: You're crazy.

The students pop out of view. A panel on Dib's arm panel opens. Dib types something in and aims his cannon again. Zim's pupils shrink. A clang is heard.

Dib: What the-?

Dib glances at the sparking device on his back. A large glob of food travels through the tube into his arm cannon. Dib aims the cannon as a large burrito launches out, sailing through the air. It passes Zim and curves around. Some students watch the burrito and get covered with beans as it passes over their heads. One girl sees the burrito and runs out of the way.

Girl: Beans!

The burrito crashes down on Dib, shaking the ground. The cafeteria crumbles. The doors open and Ms. Bitters stands in the doorway. Students glance at her in terror. She snarls. A stack of children waves. Dib's head emerges from a pile of beans. Children arms instantly surround him, pointing at him. Dib blinks. Cut to Ms. Bitters' class. Dib writes 'Zim is not an alien' over and over on the chalk board. Towards the bottom of the board, the words 'my hand is going to fall off' can be seen.

Dib: I was so close! So close to finally getting to the bottom!

Ms. Bitters slithers up behind Dib.

Ms. Bitters: I don't want to hear another peep outta you! You children! With all of your peeping!

Ms. Bitters slithers away.

Ms. Bitters: No peep!

Dib writes some more on the chalk board. Zim appears at the window in a small space ship.

Zim: Peep!

Zim speeds off. Dib points to the window, but it is too late. Ms. Bitters pops up in Dib's face, growling. Metal hatches close over the screen.

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