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The Girl Who Cried Gnome (Transcript)

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Moofy skips gleefully down the street holding a big box of Girly Ranger Cookies over her head. She bounces up to the front door of the house next to Zim's. The neighbor opens it, and looks down at her. She holds out a package of cookies.

Moofy (cutesy voice): Wanna buy some chocolate-covered ninja-star COOKIES, MISTER? HUH???!!

(she grins winningly)

Neighbor (hands on knees): No, thank you!

Moofy starts to growl and squeal, and her eyes turn pure white as she vibrates in place menacingly.

Neighbor (terrified): What are you doing? No!... Get away! Stop... Auugghh!!

Neighbor continues screaming as the camera pans upward to th sky above, where a couple of crows fly by as ripping sounds are heard over the helpless man's screaming. Pan back down to the doorstep, and we see that the neighbor is now lying in a mangled heap, with several cookies rammed into his mouth.

Neighbor: Ehhh... Ehhhhhh....

Moofy looks with satisfaction at the roll of money the neighbor "gave" her, then spies Zim's house. The neighbor continues groaning as the camera cuts to Zim's lab, where the Irken is typing in front of a containment tube holding two rotating squirrels.

Computer: Perimeter warning.

Computer unfolds screen behind Zim, showing Moofy at the start of Zim's front yard.

Zim: Oh, what is it this time? I haven't the patience for- (spots the screen) AHH!!! GIRL WITH COOKIES! GIRL WITH COOKIEEES!!!!!

Points finger up in the air.

Zim: COMPUTER! RELEASE THE ROBOT GOPHER!

A large Irken tube-thing slams into the floor, then goes back up, revealing the robot gopher, eye-twitching and rarin' to go. A mechanical arm snakes out from a compartment next to it, grabs the robo-gopher and shoves it into a horizontal transport tube. Cut back to Moofy in Zim's front yard. She begins skipping down the walkway, like she did with her first "customer".

Moofy: Laa-laa-laa-laaa, la-la-la-la-I like to sell some COOKIES! (Spasms) Laa-laa-laa-laa, la-la-la-la-I like to sell some COOKIES!!!

Suddenly, the gnome right next to her begins to rumble ominously. With a worried look on her face, she begins walks over to it, and right underneath where she stood, the gopher begins to tunnel. It tunnels out of the yard, loops around in the cul-de-sac, then heads right back toward its target. It tunnels directly under Moofy, and her foot falls in. She attempts to yank it out three times, but it's stuck tight. She shrieks horribly, and the cookie box on her head magically poofs out of existence. Cut to Zim's lab, where the diabolical Irken is watching the gopher's performance through a periscope.

Zim: Excellent, gopher. JUST as I programmed you to do. NOW, COMPLETE YOUR TASK!

Cut back to Moofy, who is still trying to remove her foot from the hole, when the gopher emerges before her. Dramatic music plays as the robotic gopher towers over her, and the Girly Ranger's eye twitches. Abruptly, the robo-gopher starts dancing to a merry tune, and flies up into a portal to an alternate dimension. Cut back to Zim's base.

Zim: I... don't remember programming that.

Back in Zim's lawn, Moofy is continuing to yank and squeal, attracting the attention of a random woman.

Woman: Good lord, that girl's stuck in some crazy hole of some sort! CALL THE MEDIA!

As if on cue, a news van flies up outside Zim's house, and the news reporter gets out, and a CEOs of a couple thousand people appear out of nowhere.

Reporter: Sweet mother of corn! That girl's in trouble!

Grabs random guy's lapels.

Reporter: How's my makeup?

Jumps to where Moofy is stuck.

Reporter: Cameraas!!!

Camera-bots swoop in to focus on him and Moofy. Cut back to Zim, who is watching the whole thing with horror on a screen in his base. He gasps in horror.

Zim (trying to reassure himself): OK, OK... I...I can fix this! Think, Zim.... I AM ZIM!!

He turns around and yells in terror when he sees that the whole thin is on the news. Cut to living room, where GIR is running around in insane excitement. He runs into Zim's base.

GIR: WE'RE ON TEEVEE! WE'RE ON TEEVEEEE!!!!

Leaps in front of Zim, and presses a button on the screem's controls, making it zoom in on the reporter, whose face is being powder-puffed by an assistant. Once done the assistant steps out of the camera frame, and the reporter gives his newscast.

Reporter: A seemingly peaceful neighborhood. An innocent Girly Ranger...

Moofy grins sweetly from her perch.

Reporter: ... A horrible tragedy. Hundreds are gathered around this freakish home to provide emotional support.

Moofy pushes her head out from between the reporter's legs and waves at the camera excitedly. The reporter looks like he's in pain. Cut to Zim's base.

Zim: "Freakish home", that's good! But this has gotten out of hand. The child has brought unwanted attention! So many humans, blind as they are, might notice something about my secret base.

Goes over to a keypad and starts entering commands. A large screen opens on the front of Zim's house, and he begins to type "Earth Rocks" on it.

Zim: I'll have to step up the house's appearance to make it look MORE normal!

Multiple additional gnomes pop out of the ground in various places. Meanwhile, an Earth ambulance disgorges two heavily-armored rescue troopers, who approach Moofy with their hands outstretched.

Rescue Member #1: DO NOT BE ALARMED, WE ARE HERE TO HELP YOU!

Moofy clings to the gnome she's nearest.

Moofy: GET AWAY! GET AWAY! starts screaming again, forcing the rescue member to back away.

Rescue trooper #1: Oh, nooo!

A camera-bot swoops down next to Moofy, gettig her on camera. Quickly Moofy reverts to her cutesy persona, and waves at the screen.

Moofy (cutesy voice): Mom! Dad! Look at me! I'm in a hole! giggles with nauseating sweetness. Cut back to Zim's base.

Zim: Roboparents! turns to a screen displaying their status. Cloud their minds with some neighborly hospitality.

At the front door to the house, RoboDad and RoboMom appear, holding a newspaper and a toilet, respectively.

RoboMom: Does anybody want MUFFINS? Holds out the toilet. Meanwhile, Rescue Trooper #2 approaches Moofy holding a giant pair of pliers.

Rescue Trooper #2 (deep voice): HI THERE!

Moofy panics, and starts showering the would-be rescuer with mud and sod, knocking him onto his back.

Security Trooper #2: My goodness.

Security Trooper #1: IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT! SOMEBODY CALL THE PRESIDENT!

Cut back to Zim's lair.

Zim: That should do for the base. And now, GIR: TIME FOR SOME A-MAY-ZING DISGUISES! elevator platform descends beneath him, and GIR follows after, with a barely suppressed laugh of glee. Cut to Zim's neighborhood, where an enormous crowd of people have flocked to the site of Moofy's "suffering." Dib comes up to the rear of the crowd, and observes the various attractions that people have set up for the event: one guy is selling "Moofy Feet", another is handing out T-shirts bearing the legend "Free Moofy", and even a creepy-looking clown is handing out balloons. Dib approaches a nearby teen.

Dib: What's going on?

Teen: I dunno. (sotto voice): But don't eat the muffins!

Confused, Dib backs away slowly,, then continues to run to the front of the crowd... until he sees Zim's house on a portable TV playing the News channel.

Dib: That's Zim's house!!

Some Guy: Sshh!

On-screen, the reporter is still prattling on about Moofy's ordeal.

Reporter: Here were are at minute four of this poor girl's ordeal. Moofy, how do you feel? Moofy!

The reporter pokers her with the microphone.

Moofy: My leg is asleep...

She begins sobbing, then stops and smiles at the camera.

Audience: Aww.

Reporter: Just how many more minutes will she have to suffer before rescue crews can free her? Huh?

Dib: Why don't they just pull her out?

Man next to Dib: She's lodged in real good. I heard her foot's poking out over in China. Plus, she screams real scary whenever anybody comes near her.

Dib: Look at her. She's just smiling and waving. She just loves the attention. Wait a minute...

Dib has visions of himself running through the crowd to Zim's house, dragging him out and exposing him without his disguise. GIR casually lays on the ground posing while Dib holds Zim out in front of shocked reporters. Flash back to the current time.

Dib: Attention! If I can get up there, I can expose him on national TV!

Zim's base. The news plays on a screen in front of GIR, who sits next to a bag of popcorn.

Reporter: I've recieved word that president man himself is on his way to the scene to take over this delicate, delicate operation.

Zim: The Earth leader is on his way here? GIR, this is getting bad, very bad! Still, we may be able to use this.

Dib wades through a crowd of people.

Dib: Excuse me. Pardon me, let me... Excuse me, saving the human race here!

Dib bumps into a large man wearing a girly rangers outfit.

Man: Hey, watch where you're going!

He faces Zim, and three girly rangers appear from behind him.

Dib: Sorry, I have to get by. It's a... planetary salvation thing.

Man: You've got to buy some cookies first to support Moofy.

He growls angrily. A girly ranger sitting on top of his head pulls out a box of cookies with Moofy's image printed on the front.

Dib: I don't have time for this. The world doesn't have time for this!

Dib tries to run past and the man blocks him by smashing his massive arm in the road in front of him.

Man: Don't you want to support Moofy?

Dib: Fine, whatever.

Dib reaches into his pocket and places something in the man's hand. He grabs a box from the girl and runs past.

Man: Hey, this isn't money! This is ham! You can't pay for cookies with ham!

Dib: Why was there ham in my pocket?

The three girls make a formation and pull out cookies like actual ninja stars and toss them at Dib. Dib dodges them and the man and the three charge toward Dib through the crowd. A man in a "rescue" outfit holds out a doll in front of Moofy from a distance. He wears a thick layer of protective gear with flashing lights on it. Another one cautiously approaches her from behind.

Man: Hey, doody doody doo.

Moofy: Get away!

She screams loudly, making the robots retreat.

Another one with a rope attached to him held by someone behind the fence slowly appoaches her.

Man (baby-talking): I'm only trying to help you!

She screams again, and the man is pulled away by the rope behind the fence. Another one with a rope attached reaches down to her from a helicopter.

Man: Goodness gracious, let me get you out of there.

She screams again, making the helicopter pull away before raising the man again, knocking him into a house next to Zim's. The garden gnome behind Moofy leans forward and rests on her back. She screams loudly again. We zoom out of the yard, of the neigborhood of the Earth, and finally of the universe as her screams continue to be heard. We arrive where the Massive and its ships fly through space. A few of them explode from the sound of her screaming, and we cut to the Tallest in the ship, where the echo of the scream finally stops, making them look up. Cut to Zim's house again, screens with president man's face on it hover above the crowd.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, all the way from president land, I give you president man!

President man steps on the podium and wiggles his arms.

Reporter: Mr. President, what are you going to do to help this help-less child?

President: I pledge that this fine girly ranger will be rescued with both legs intact.

The crowd cheers. Dib continues running through the crowd and stops when he find Zim on TV, wearing a large, strange, costume-looking disguise. A tag with the word, "HUMAN"  is printed on it.

Zim: I think I may have discovered a way to end Moofy's pain; to end all of your pain.

Dib: Zim!

Zim: Mr. President, since the unfortunate filthy ranger won't let anyone close enough to rescue her, the only way to get her out will be to use sonic vibrations.

Reporter: Sonic vibrations?

Zim: Silence! And, yes.

A diagram of Moofy, the Earth and a large machine appears on screen.

Zim: Using a giant nuclear-powered shaking machine, we can shake the entire Earth, jarring the poor girl loose.

The image shows the machine in the diagram pounding the Earth, releasing Moofy, and quickly before cutting away, shattering the planet. Cut back to president man in front of Zim on TV.

President: We don't have that technology.

Zim: You can borrow mine!

Dib: A machine like that would destroy the surface of the planet! All life as we know---

President: It just might work. People love shaking! Whoo!

Zim enters the house. GIR watches the news on TV.

Zim: GIR, let's get out of here! Soon, the Earth will shake until all of the humans are nothing but soup. Soup!

Outside, we pan to a tent surrounded by secret service men, labeled, "Command Center", next to two stands reading "Moofy Moon-walk" and "'Moofy Merchandise".

President: You, get me the nuclear people on the phone! I want those vibrations.

Man: Yes, sir.

Dib enters.

Dib: Wait! I have a better plan.

President: Who's that crazy boy?

Dib: Just tunnel under her. She'll never know you're coming so she can't fight it, and her leg will be fine. And, if you just happen to find an alien base down there, you can destroy it.

President: What's he talking about? Where's the charts? Where's the pretty pictures? This plan is stupid.

Man: I have the, uh, nuclear people on the line.

Dib: If you shake the Earth, we'll all be destroyed! That's what Zim wants.

President: That's a chance we're all going to have to take. Get him out of ---

President man notices something.

President: Wait a minute. Are those... C-Chocolate Ninja-Star Cookies?

Dib searches himself and finds cookies embedded in the back of his head.

Dib: Yes! Yes, they are.

President: Oh, I love Ninja-Star cookies.

Dib: I'll make you a trade.

Cut to Zim's base. Zim and GIR are packing boxes on Zim's ship.

Zim: At last, GIR, we're finally through with this horrible planet.

Zim notices the TV.

President: Thanks to this delicious boy, we have a new plan for freeing young Moofy. We are going to use this digging machine.

Zim: The Dib. The Dib! I don't care how delicious he is, he's evil! Now they'll find the base. There's only one thing I can do.

GIR: You're gonna make biscuits? You're gonna make biscuits? You're gonna make biscuits? You're gonna make biscuits?

Zim: No, GIR. Never. I never want you to mention biscuits ever again.

Outside Zim's house, the machine is starting. Zim comes outside in the "HUMAN" disguise from earlier.

Woman: Hey, what's that floppy guy doing?

Man: He's going to rip her leg off!

Zim: Get off my lawn, cookie beast.

Moofy: No! I'm going to be on TV forever!

Zim approaches her. She turns around and knocks him backward, barking like a dog. Zim jumps behind her and releases her leg. The crowd is stunned. People stand with their mouths agape. The machine stops. Everyone begins cheering and Zim goes back inside. The rescue people from before approach Moofy and she puts her leg back in the hole. They pick her up and hold her in front of the cameras. She smiles and waves.

Reporter: And so, the saga of Moofy comes to a happy end, thanks the the efforts of this mysterious hero.

A painting of what looks like a normal human wearing Zim's disguise appears on screen next to the news reporter'.

Reporter: No one knows who he was or where he came from, but we all know that he's here, in our hearts.

Dib appears on camera where Moofy was.

Dib: It's not a mystery. It's Zim! He's an alien, he lives right here! He tried to destroy us all!

Moofy is taken away in an ambulance. Everyone leaves, and Dib struggles to get his leg free.

Dib: Hey, I really am stuck! Wait, come back! Help!

Zim comes outside, whistling "If You're Happy and You Know It" and holding a gopher. He drops the gopher, waves at Dib, and laughs evilly before returning inside. The gopher comes over to Dib. Dib starts screaming in pain as the gopher does something we can't see from our view of Dib from the neck up. It passes to night time. Dib shakes in terror as the robot gopher dances in front of him, and the gnomes make circles around him.

Dib: Help...

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