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The Voting of the Doomed (Transcript)

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Starts at Skool. Introduces the episode. Pan into Skool auditorium, where a pep rally is taking place. Robotic cheerleaders stand up on the stage, doing cheerleader-y stuff, while behind them a screen shows the Skool President's face. Above this is a sign that says "Skool Spirit! Mandatory", indicating that the hundreds of reluctant Skoolchildren packed into the auditorium are not there by choice.

Robot Cheerleaders: "Yay Skool! Skool, yay, Skool! Skool Skool Skool! Yay yay yay Skool! (extended dialogue)

Pan across the crowd in the auditorium: all are either bored, confused or annoyed by the excessively forced happiness. Cut back to the stage, where the screen now shows a marching band.

Announcer: And now a word from our student president!!

Rock music plays as the excessively-happy student president is lowered onto the stage via a platform.

Student President (EXTREMELY happy): Isn't our Skool just GREAT?!

Mary and Zootch clap halfheartedly in the crowd.

Student President: Our greatness is greater than all of the greatnesses of all the other schools COMBINED, and it's that greatness that makes us GREAT!

The crowd stares at her, not even attempting to clap anymore.

Student President: But I want to say just ONE little thing, maybe - um, about the dirty bathrooms...

Abruptly, the Student President clenches her eyes, grits her teeth and falls on the stage in a seizure. Almost instantly, alarms blare and the entire auditorium is filled with red light and camera-bots. Skool security guards, equipped with riot gear, pop out of the crowds or rappel down from the ceiling, SWAT-style, and rush to the stage, where the Student President still lies clutching her head and banging the floor. One particularly burly trooper picks her up, and the foremost commando throws down a smoke grenade. However, the smoke quickly fades, leaving the squad exposed. An awkward moment passes, and the troopers awkwardly shuffle away.

Camera-Droid: DO NOT BE ALARMED. THE STUDENT PRESIDENT HAS SUFFERED A FAILURE IN Skool SPIRIT. A NEW ELECTION WILL BE HELD IMMEDIATELY.

Camera-droids start hovering around the students, searching for potential candidates.

Camera-droid: VOLUNTEERS? VOLUNTEERS?

Zim: OOH! OOH! Pick ME! PICK ME!

(pushes himself through the crowd)

Zim: Pick ZIIIM!! Zim is ME! Zim is MEE!!!

(Camera-droids continue to sift through the crowd, as Zim continues jumping and waving his hand.)

Zim: Zim shall RULE! I am.. ZIM!!! ZIM ME! I AM ZIIIM!!

(Camera-droid hovers over to Zim and analyzes him.)

Camera-droid: ZIM. ANALYSIS: MORON. SUITABLE. CANDIDATE 2 NEEDED. VOLUNTEERS?

Dib (shocked): But Zim's criminally insane! That's not good!

Camera-droid: DIB. ANALYSIS: ANNOYING.

The camera-droid launches a large metal muzzle onto Dib.

Dib: *mumbles*

Camera-droid: VOLUNTEERS?

The camera-droid goes over to Willy, across the room, who starts chewing on his shoe.

Willy: Heh, heh... Shoe... heh, heh... eh, huh?

Camera-droid: WILLY. ANALYSIS: LEADERSHIP MATERIAL.

Dib: (shocked) MMPHMMPHMMMM!! (facepalms)

Cuts to outside Skool, where a sign says "Meet the candidates!" and a crowd has formed. Ms. Bitters, wearing a hooded cloak, arrives on a desk with tank-like treads.

Ms. Bitters: The candidates will now speak. And then be quiet! And then I go away from you all.

(the speaking begins)

Zim: As president, I will ensure that all mankind has its LEGS SAWED OFF!

The crowd silences, stunned.

Kid: I don't know about that...

Zim: Eh... And um... replaced with legs of pure GOLD!

Kids start slowly grinning.

Zim: Yes, and I will... grant you the power to fire LASERS from your heads!

Crowd starts to cheer.

Kid: I like gold!

Kid: I like my head!

Dib: Oh, no! Zim's promising them anything!

Ms. Bitters: Candidate number two, be quick! I can only survive so long in the sun. (extends a finger from the confines of her cloak; it instantly starts smoking, proving her point)

Willy makes odd noises and starts making farting noises with his armpits. The crowd goes into awkward silence.

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